![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sam_gamgeeTitle: Remember (Every Morning)
Author: Adrian/sam_gamgee
Rating: hard R
Warnings: None
Summary: The start of freshman year causes some unexpected anxiety.
Note 1: Written for the![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
polybigbang.
Note 2: I received an awesome mix and some awesome art from![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
little_missmimi. And many thanks to exbex for beta-ing for me.
“Come on, come on. We’ve got to get moving!”
Nicholas groaned into his pillow. “It’s too early, Der. You should still be asleep – like Andy, Ariel, and me.”
“But we need to get going or Ariel’s going to be late!”
Andrew cracked an eye open. “It’s six a.m., Derrick. And while Eugene is two hours away, move-in goes all day. Relax.”
Derrick bounced down on the bed with a huff. “I know, but –”
“No buts,” Nicholas growled as he shifted towards the middle of the bed to give Derrick room. “Either get back in bed, or go away. I’m not getting up until eight – like we planned.”
“Same here,” Andrew added.
“But what if Ariel’s ready to go before that?” Derrick pouted.
Andrew lifted his head and glared at Derrick over Nicholas. “Our niece has been dragging her feet about going for the past week. There’s no way in hell she’d be ready to go at this hour, even if she was as excited as she was at the beginning of the summer. And there’s also no way you’d be able to bribe her with something that we wouldn’t know about.”
“Okay, you got me there.” Derrick lay back down with a sigh and crossed his arms over his chest as Andrew settled back in bed, back pressed against Nicholas’ side.
“How much coffee have you had?” Nicholas asked quietly.
“Two cups,” Derrick replied, staring resolutely at the ceiling.
“Big or little?” Nicholas pressed.
“Little.”
“And you’ve been up for how long?”
“Half an hour. And I had a bowl of Cheerios for breakfast, Mom.”
Nicholas laughed, burrowed his head in Derrick’s shoulder, and threw an arm around him. “Love you,” he said before pressing a kiss to Derrick’s clothed shoulder.
“Love you too, Thay,” Derrick replied softly, grabbing Nicholas’ arm with one of his hands.
The alarm beeped two hours later and the three men got up. Derrick went to the kitchen to dump the left-over coffee and start a fresh pot as Nicholas jumped in the shower and Andrew went to wake Ariel before joining him. Derrick turned on Saturday morning cartoons and watched one of the shorts before knocking on Ariel’s door again on his way into the master bedroom to make the bed. Andrew was the first one out of the bathroom.
He kissed Derrick on his way to his dresser and said, “Good morning.”
“Morning,” Derrick replied and finished the bed.
“Is she up yet?” Nicholas asked as he exited the bathroom.
“Haven’t heard anything yet,” Derrick replied with a quick peck on the lips. “Get dressed and I’ll keep working on her.” Crossing to Ariel’s bedroom door again, he pounded on it and yelled in, “Come on, kiddo, you have to get up.”
“I’m up,” came the muffled response. “But I can’t find my boots.”
“They’re already packed. Remember we agreed they’re not a good footwear choice for moving in to college?” Derrick rolled his eyes in amusement at the dramatic sigh that came through the door. “Come on, we want to leave by nine.”
“Why didn’t you wake me earlier? It’s eight-thirty!” Ariel yelled as she ran into the bathroom, clutching her clothes to her chest and slamming the door behind her.
“I tried,” Derrick replied through the door, “but you didn’t respond. And you assured us last night that you’d be ready to leave at nine this morning.”
Nicholas and Andrew both smirked in amusement as they passed him on their way to the kitchen. “It’s weird thinking that soon our normal Saturday won’t be so normal,” Andrew said, pouring himself a cup of coffee.
“I don’t think we’ll need to have Ariel here if we want to watch cartoons,” Nicholas replied dryly. “Besides, she technically grew out of them a long time ago.”
At 8:59, Nicholas was handing Ariel a package of pop-tarts and a travel mug with orange juice as he asked, “Do you have everything? Because we’re not turning around and we’re not making any special trips.”
“Yes, Thay, I have everything.” She rolled her eyes and the four of them headed out. “You guys have been asking me that all week.”
The move-in process ended up being less dramatic than the three men had expected. The drive from Portland to Eugene had been quick and easy. Upperclassmen were stationed all over the campus to direct them to Ariel’s dorm, and then help unload the truck and take things up to her room while Andrew parked. Ariel’s things were unpacked in short order, and just in time before her roommate and her family showed up and the room got crowded. While they set up, Nicholas helped the girls set up their electronics and run cords around the room, sending Andrew and Derrick to the campus bookstore twice each for things they hadn’t realized they’d need. Once they’d finished, the four of them went out for a late lunch.
On the way back to Ariel’s dorm, she looped an arm through Derrick’s and pulled him back behind Nicholas and Andrew. “Will you guys be okay?” she asked him quietly.
“Of course, kiddo,” he replied with a laugh. “Why wouldn’t we be?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I just want to make sure.”
“There’s nothing to worry about,” he reassured her. “We’re going to drop you off at your dorm, ask you fifty more times if you’re okay and if you have everything, during which you’ll push us towards the car and tell us you’re fine and A College Freshman, then we’re going to go home and have a really dull rest of the day – the kind that you roll your eyes at. Then we’ll disregard your repeated requests to not call you this week and call you around nine or ten tonight, just to make sure you’re really okay and everything is going okay so far with your roommate and we’ll ask if you’ve met any guys yet and what their names are so one of us can Google him while we’re on the phone and then we’ll tell you not to go out with him because he’s bad news and you’ll tell us to butt out and hang up in a huff and we’ll look at each other in surprise and ask if we overstepped our bounds. Then we’ll reassure each other we’re just trying to be good uncles and that probably all the other freshmen parents are doing the same thing – or will at some point this week – and watch the baseball game.”
Ariel laughed. “Yeah, that sounds like something you guys would do. Just, you know, don’t let Thay near the computer – he’s too good with it and you guys won’t need any sealed government files.”
Derrick wrapped his arm around Ariel’s shoulders. “We’ll be fine, I promise. It’s going to be an adjustment for us too, you know. It’s going to be quiet around the apartment without you, your friends, your music blaring, and your cell phone ringing every five seconds.”
“Oh, please.” She rolled her eyes. “You guys started blocking that out when I turned twelve.”
“Yes, we did,” Derrick agreed. “But we have enjoyed looking at all the college boys during the college tours over the past year and around campus today.”
“I’m not sure if I should be disgusted or amused. Have you enjoyed looking at the girls too?”
Derrick shrugged. “The skimpy clothing tends to be a huge turn-off. I like having my imagination stimulated,” he added pointedly.
Ariel rolled her eyes in amusement, but he could tell she had gotten the message. “So Andy, Thay, and I are stuck with you?”
“Like glue. Like superglue. Like duct tape,” he told her, squeezing her to his side. “I’m not going anywhere. What makes you think I would?”
She shrugged. “I’m just being silly and worrying. I think I’m just worried about this whole college thing and need something else to focus on.”
“Yeah, I think you got that worrying thing from me. Sorry.”
Ariel laughed and smacked his stomach. “You’re not even my biological, Der.”
“And how many times have people said you look like me over the years?”
“A lot, even with my red hair. And a lot have said I look like Thay or Andy or none of you.”
“You may not be my biological, but you’re still my niece in all the ways that count. Same goes for Thay. And Andy couldn’t love you any more if you were his own daughter. Your mom and dad would be so proud of you.”
“I wish I could’ve known them,” she said.
“I do too,” Derrick said quickly, wanting to steer the conversation back to a lighter place. “But from what Andy and Thay keep telling us, they were pretty awesome – just like everyone else in this family.” They stopped outside her dorm. “You okay now?” he asked her.
She nodded. “I think so.”
“What were you two gabbing about back there?” Nicholas asked.
“Cute boys,” Derrick easily deflected. “And how there’s a lot of them around here and how Ariel had better focus on studying for the classes on her actual schedule and not extracurricular ones – like anatomy, chemistry, or biology.”
“I’m glad you’ve got that covered, then,” Nicholas said, “because I wasn’t looking forward to having that conversation.”
“Do you think you’re all set, Ariel?” Andrew asked.
She nodded again. “I’ve got my books and enough snacks and school supplies to last me the next four years. I think I’m good.”
“Want us to leave now?” he asked.
“You probably should. I think my RA has some freshmen bonding stuff planned this evening. And I want to hang out with my roommate some too.”
The guys nodded and said their good-byes before headed home.
Derrick was pensive and quiet during the drive home. He hadn’t expected to miss Ariel so much so quickly, but it felt odd knowing they probably wouldn’t be seeing her until Thanksgiving. He’d always been the closest to Ariel out of the three of them, even though Andrew was her biological uncle. It was going to be hard adjusting to not having her come to him with her problems, like a skinned knee from learning to roller skate or a bruised heart after the boy she had a crush on brushed her off at the eighth grade formal. It had taken him a good cry, sharing a pint of ice cream, and a couple of hours of talking to help her realize that 14-year-old boys can be jerks and that they don’t usually mean it intentionally, but their hormones sometimes get the best of them. And then he had celebrated with her two years later when the same boy asked her to the homecoming dance and they started going out.
He chuckled softly to himself, which made Andrew glance at him in the rearview mirror, remembering how she’d come to him right after graduation, unsure of how to handle the fact that they were going to different colleges and whether or not a long-distance relationship was a good idea. This time had included the ice cream and the talking, but thankfully no crying. And he did his best to play devil’s advocate the whole time, but to let her make her own conclusions and felt very proud of her when she decided that she wanted to be friends, but not together and relieved when she made the phone call and found that he’d come to the same conclusion. He knew they’d get back together if it was meant to be – and it was looking like a strong possibility.
But as his silence extended well into the evening, Nicholas and Andrew began exchanging worried glances that Derrick pretended not to notice.
“It’s not like she’s going to be gone forever,” Nicholas finally said, his tone gentle as he sat down next to Derrick at the kitchen table. “At worst, she’ll be back for Thanksgiving. And knowing her, she’ll be calling us to come pick her up for a weekend as soon as things get settled.”
“I know,” Derrick replied. “But I can still miss her, right?”
“Of course,” Andrew replied, the eye-rolling evident in his voice as he wrapped his arms around Derrick’s shoulders from behind. “We do and we’d be worried if you didn’t. That’s why there’s such a thing as empty nest syndrome, remember? Ariel’s been teasing us about it all summer.”
Derrick smiled wanly. “I know.” He shrugged. “I just – I don’t know. I just feel... off.”
“It’s a big adjustment for all of us,” Nicholas assured, taking Derrick’s hand in his. “I’m sure it’s going to hit Andy and me over the next day or so too and then all three of us can be miserable together.”
Derrick carefully extracted himself from them and stood. “I’m going to take a walk. I’ll be back in a little while.”
They both nodded and extracted a kiss from him before he left.
Derrick headed out of the building and, pushing his hands into his pockets, sauntered down the street. If he was truthful with himself, he’d been feeling odd for at least the past week, and off and on since Ariel started her college search. He wanted to say that he’d simply been picking up on Ariel’s trepidation at starting college, but seeing how excited she was once she’d unpacked and met her roommate should have taken care of that. He puffed up his cheeks, then slowly let out his breath as he looked up at the darkening sky.
He hated admitting he was being stupid. That was the only way he could describe what he was feeling. Because Nicholas and Andrew wouldn’t kick him out now, after eighteen years together. Would they? Neither the pavement under his feet nor the buildings around him offered any answers, so the question bounced around in his head as he walked, hoping if he walked long enough, he’d be able to convince himself of what he knew was true.
Derrick’s mood didn’t improve over the next few days – in fact it got worse. He became short-tempered with both Andrew and Nicholas and physically withdrew from them as well. He disregarded any attempts on their parts to talk to him about what was going on and even began sleeping on the couch instead of in bed with them.
Wednesday night, Nicholas and Andrew decided to ambush Derrick after work. Andrew made Derrick’s favorite meal, which Derrick regarded suspiciously when he arrived home, and Andrew and Nicholas kept the conversation light during the meal and cleanup.
Afterwards, Derrick went to turn on the TV, but Nicholas intercepted him, swiping up the remote before Derrick could even touch it. “We need to talk,” he said seriously.
Derrick glared and thought about saying something sarcastic, but then he suddenly deflated and sank down into the couch. Confused, Nicholas sat down on one side of him and threw the remote on the coffee table before taking Derrick’s hand in his.
Andrew joined them and sat on Derrick’s other side and took his other hand as Nicholas asked, “What’s going on, Der?”
“It’s nothing,” Derrick replied, not looking at either of his partners, and feeling his face flush.
“It’s not nothing,” Andrew rebuffed. “If it was nothing, you wouldn’t still be in a foul mood. Or sleeping on the couch. We’ve been together for eighteen years, remember? We know you really damn well at this point.”
“It’s stupid, then,” Derrick amended.
“With the way you’ve been acting, I’m thinking it’s something monumentally stupid,” Nicholas replied without any real bite. “What’s up, Der?”
“I think it’s time for me to go,” Derrick told them.
“Go where?” Andrew asked, confusion evident in his expression.
“You know – leave,” Derrick replied. “This was never part of the plan.”
“What plan?” Nicholas asked.
“You know – our original plan,” Derrick told him, as if it should be exceedingly evident to a three-year-old. He looked down at the floor as he added, “I was only supposed to stay for a month. You know – until I figured myself out.”
“And you think that now that Ariel’s off at college you’ve worn out your welcome?” Andrew asked, comprehension beginning to dawn.
Derrick bit his lip and nodded without looking up. Andrew and Nicholas glanced at each other and rolled their eyes before they both smacked Derrick upside the head. “What was that for?” he asked, looking at both of them in surprise.
“Being monumentally stupid,” Nicholas replied. “If you had worn out your welcome, it would have been long before now and we would’ve drop-kicked your ass clear out of here then. I thought you knew us better than that.”
“How long have you been worrying about this?” Andrew asked.
Derrick shrugged. “I don’t know. A while. It started as little thoughts in the back of my head that I didn’t really pay attention to or just brushed off – back when Ariel was first starting to look at colleges, I guess? Then it just started getting slowly stronger after she made her decision and we started planning.”
“So this has been going on for a year?” Nicholas asked incredulously. “And you didn’t think to mention it to either of us?”
Derrick looked at them sheepishly. “And say what? ‘I think I’m having a mid-life crisis of second thoughts’?”
“You could’ve just been honest with us,” Andrew said. “We’ve both known you for a long time – and Nicholas even longer than I have.”
“I just,” Derrick blew out a breath. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess I had hoped it was just jitters over knowing things were going to change and worrying at what was going to happen. Things weren’t supposed to go like this, you know.”
“Like what?” Andrew asked. “You having an emotional crisis because of Ariel going to college? Of course not.”
Derrick rolled his eyes and smiled slightly. “No, I mean all of this. The two of you weren’t supposed to be raising Ariel. And if that hadn’t happened, then we wouldn’t have randomly met again, and then we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
“You’re right,” Nicholas agreed. “We’re not ‘supposed’ to be raising Ariel, but since a drunk driver hit Andy’s sister’s car head-on, here we are. But you know Andy and I don’t regret a moment of it. Well, maybe except that one time with the tie-dye.”
Both Derrick and Andrew chuckled and Derrick commented, “I think there’s still some paint splattered behind the refrigerator.”
“Probably,” Nicholas replied with an amused smile. “And, you’re right, if we hadn’t had to make an emergency stop for diapers that particular night, I wouldn’t have run into you again. But, you know what? I don’t regret any of it. We were best friends growing up, Der. And even though things went sour for us right before college, I’m glad we were able to have a second chance. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to repeat history.”
“Me neither,” Derrick replied. “But we never talked about things back then.”
“Back when the month was up?” Nicholas asked and Derrick nodded. Nicholas shrugged. “I guess it just slipped our minds. I know I was enjoying how things were going and wanted to see how they’d play out if we gave them a little longer.”
“And I was too,” Andrew replied. “I’ll admit I was skeptical about our arrangement and more than a little certain that you’d steal Nicholas away from me – you two definitely had more of a history than Nicholas and I did, or so I thought. But at the same time, what we were doing felt surprisingly good and I didn’t want to give that up – or scare Nicholas away. But after a while, I realized that I was falling in love with you, Derrick.”
“Are you sure you two don’t want to boot me out and get on with the way your lives were supposed to go?” Derrick pushed.
“What way?” Andrew asked with a laugh. “You know we never had a grand plan for our lives. And I think it’s a little late to reclaim the last eighteen years.”
“Yeah, it’s really unattractive when a bunch of guys in their mid-forties are trying to act like they’re not quite thirty,” Nicholas agreed. “Remember we were laughing at them the other day at the bar?”
Derrick snickered. “Those guys had no reason to hit on those girls. It was just sad. And the worst part is that I don’t think they were drunk.”
“I think they were,” Andrew said. “One of them kept bumping me. At least they’re not regulars.”
“They would’ve gotten a smack-down from everyone else in the bar if they had been, I think,” Nicholas said. He brought Derrick’s hand up and kissed the back of it. “We’re not going anywhere, Der, and we don’t want you to either.”
“We mean it,” Andrew said, squeezing Derrick’s other hand.
“Thanks guys,” Derrick said. “And I do love you both, and while I understand what you’re saying, I just wish I could believe it.”
“How can we help you believe it?” Nicholas asked.
“I wish I knew,” Derrick replied, comforted by their reactions, but still unsure of himself. “Because I really do want this. Way more than I ever thought I would – especially back when we started. If you’d asked me back then where I saw myself in five, ten, twenty years, this is not what I would have said. Five years, I probably would’ve said where I was then. Ten years, starting a family. Twenty – you get the idea. But this….” He bit his bottom lip. “This is so much better than anything I could’ve come up with on my own. And if it hadn’t been for you guys, I probably would’ve been divorced two or three times by now and working towards another one and with who knows how many alimony payments.”
Nicholas snorted. “Yeah, I doubt that. You were always the most hopeful romantic out there, remember?”
Derrick chuckled despite himself. “I know. But I would’ve been serious every time I got married and completely sure it was going to work right up until the point it didn’t anymore, so....”
“But then you ended up overstaying your welcome at your friends’ place when you first moved here and after running into your best childhood friend, his partner and their infant niece, and spending a weekend of domesticity with them, your life took a very sharp right turn. And you didn’t look back once – well, until now.”
“Until now,” Derrick repeated in agreement. “I’m sorry, guys, I just –” He carefully extracted himself from them and stood, knowing that if he let them, they’d lure him into a false sense of security and his feelings would just fester. “I appreciate this and I do feel better, but I’m not ready yet.”
“What do you need from us?” Andrew, ever the practical one, asked.
Derrick shrugged, feeling lost. “I don’t know. Be yourselves, I guess. I need to figure myself out first, then we can go from there, okay?”
“You know we’ll help out however we can,” Nicholas said, reaching out to take Derrick’s hand.
Derrick stepped back and gently said, “I know, Thay. I just – I need to do this on my own. I might go over to Mikey’s for a few days.”
Both men nodded. “Whatever you need, Der,” Andrew said. “Just remember we love you. And we’re not going to give you up easily.”
Derrick smiled. “I know. And I don’t want to give you guys up either. I just need to get my head out of my ass. And I’ll be needing the couch for that.”
“The bed’s going to feel lonely without you,” Nicholas said, taking the hint and standing.
“You’ll get used to it again,” Derrick replied.
“I hope we won’t have to,” Andrew told him as they helped Derrick open up the bed. “Wow, this brings back memories.”
“It’s amazing this thing survived Ariel,” Nicholas said with a laugh. “Between her as a baby, and then with her sleepovers...” They all laughed. “Think I should call her?”
“She’s a college freshman now,” Derrick reminded him. “And we saw her earlier this week. Remember what she said before we left?”
Nicholas rolled his eyes and quoted, “‘Don’t call me this week unless something’s on fire, and then grab Stoof on your way out’. But she’s our little girl.”
“I’m surprised she didn’t take the bear with her,” Andrew said. “I know she wants to look grown up, but –”
“Like you were with Pookie?” Nicholas asked affectionately. “I’m sure she’ll have us take him up before too long. She is her uncle’s niece.”
Andrew made a face at Nicholas as the phone rang and he went to answer it. “Hello? Hey, sweetie.” He smiled at Nicholas and Derrick and they laughed. “We were just talking about you. I thought you didn’t want to talk to us this week. I know – you’re allowed to change your mind. How are things going? How are things with your roommate so far? Good, good. I miss you too. Do you want to talk to the other two or is that a stupid question?” He laughed and handed the cordless phone over to Derrick. “For you.”
“Hey, kiddo,” Derrick said, wandering away from them. “Why aren’t you at a party or something?”
“Because I don’t want to be?” she replied in amusement. “Besides, I’d rather not get in trouble right away. And there’s all sorts of ways I can assert my independence and figure out who I am without going to parties every night. Or so a few people have told me.”
“Very funny,” Derrick replied dryly. “Are you enjoying your classes?”
“I am. I think music education was the right way to go.”
“Good to hear. And is your roommate still alive and mostly uninjured?”
“She is,” Ariel replied with a laugh. “She’s actually pretty awesome.”
“I’m glad to hear it. You’ll have to bring her home with you one weekend. Not that you need to come home any time soon, mind you.”
“I miss you too, Der. Can I talk to Thay?”
“Of course. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
Derrick handed Nicholas the phone. “Hey, honey,” Nicholas said. “How’re your classes going so far?”
While Nicholas was talking to Ariel, Derrick went into the bedroom and called Mikey on his cell. “Hey,” he said when Mikey answered. “I was wondering if I could ask a huge favor?”
“Sure, what can I do for you, my man?” Mikey asked.
“I need to borrow your couch for a few days.”
“What happened to yours? Did you guys break it with all of your wild and enthusiastic sex since Ariel’s now away at college?”
“Ha. Ha. Very funny. No, ours is still very much intact. I just need somewhere to crash for a few days,” Derrick admitted, rubbing his thumbnail over his forehead.
“Of course, of course,” Mikey replied, suddenly very serious. “Come over whenever you want, I’m not going anywhere. Do you need me to come pick you up?”
“No, I’ll be okay – I just need to throw some stuff together. I’ll be there shortly.”
“Okay. I’ll see ya.”
Derrick grabbed a duffel bag out of the closet and threw enough clothes in it for the next few days. He grabbed his toiletries out of the bathroom and the book he was reading from the nightstand by the bed and stuffed them in as well. He went out into the main living area as Nicholas hung up the phone and both Nicholas and Andrew stared at him and the bag as he placed it on the kitchen table.
He hated the situation he was putting the three of them in, but he didn’t know how to go about it any other way. “I’m going to Mikey’s for a few days. Hopefully it’ll help me clear my head and let me see how much of an asshole I’m being.”
Both of his partners nodded as they joined him and Andrew said, “You are being an asshole. But you’re our asshole and we love you. And if you feel you need to do this, we’ll support you completely.”
“And we’re here if you need us for anything,” Nicholas added. “Though, you should know that.”
Derrick nodded. “I know. I love you guys.”
“And we love you too,” Andrew said, leaning in and cupping Derrick’s face with his hand. He kissed Derrick tenderly and hopefully.
Then Nicholas leaned in and kissed him. This one was also tender, and full of love and promise. “Keep in touch, okay?”
“Okay,” Derrick said as he grabbed his bag.
“Do you want a ride over?” Andrew asked.
Derrick shook his head. “I can manage just fine. And it should only be a few days.”
Without another word, Derrick headed out and down to the transit stop. When he arrived at Mikey’s apartment, the other man quickly opened the door and ushered him inside. Derrick dropped his things by the couch and Mikey handed him a beer bottle.
“How bad is it?” he asked as he uncapped his own beer and sat down at the kitchen table.
“It’s not bad – honestly,” Derrick said, joining him. “And truthfully, it’s all me and I’m being a monumental jackass.”
“Knowing you and those two guys and how solid your relationship is, you probably are, but please explain,” Mikey agreed before taking a sip of beer.
Derrick shrugged a shoulder. “I’m just having a crisis of faith in them. Logically, I know that nothing’s changed fundamentally between the three of us now that Ariel’s away at college, but it feels like everything should be different. And a small part of me keeps thinking that they’re going to give me the boot now that she’s grown so that they can have the life they’d planned.”
Mikey rolled his eyes. “You really are being an idiot. They have mentioned that they had been considering finding a way to have kids when Andrew’s sister and brother-in-law died, right?” Derrick nodded and Mikey continued, “Then why the hell are you thinking that they’re thinking they’re now ‘back on track’ with Ariel in college? They’ve been on track the whole time. It was just a matter of when and how for them.”
He took another sip of beer to give Derrick a moment to digest that. “And every time I’ve heard someone question your place in the relationship, and the timing of it, they’ve both said the same thing – it was a happy coincidence. Not only did they get a child to raise, who was biologically related to one of them, even if it was out of Andrew’s misfortune, but it also brought the three of you together – which I know Nicholas is really happy about and while Andrew was skeptical at first, he’s been completely, 100% won over.”
“Like I said, logically, I know this, but for some reason I can’t believe that they still want me.”
“What else has happened lately?” Mikey asked, staring hard at Derrick. And Derrick was fairly certain Mikey could see right through him. “I know you’re not telling me something.”
“Believe me, I’m being completely honest with you!” Derrick replied indignantly.
Mikey continued to stare at Derrick as he took another sip of beer. “I think you saw something you liked when you three were moving Ariel into college and it’s making you wonder if you’ve wasted the best years of your life in domestic bliss.”
Derrick sputtered and glared at Mikey. “I did not see anything! And I’m offended at that remark. I haven’t looked at anyone else or even thought about ‘wasting the best years of my life’ since I started this whole thing with Nicholas and Andrew and I’m not going to start now.”
“It was a pretty abrupt change, you have to admit,” Mikey said calmly. “You’d been going out clubbing regularly prior to that point and then suddenly decided to change because of a chance reunion. It had to chafe a bit, from time to time, didn’t it? Knowing that they were expecting you to be monogamous with them when you were used to getting your fill and moving on. But they were expecting you to stay put and play house with them and their baby.”
“Stop it!” Derrick said angrily. “I’ve been happy with them!”
“I’m sure you have,” Mikey replied. “They’re great guys and Ariel’s a great kid. They’re like the brass ring of families. But realizing that you’re bisexual the same time you realize you’re in a monogamous gay relationship had to have sucked. Especially when you didn’t plan either. You’ve never had a chance to play that part of the field, have you? It’s sad, really.”
“I’ve been happy,” Derrick repeated, seething on the inside, but at the same time feeling like Mikey was pushing on a wound that he had never acknowledged existed. “And, sure, I’ve looked a few times, but then everyone does. Even Nicholas and Andrew. We’ve made a game out of it – judging other guys, them asking me what I think of different women. It’s not like it’s something I’ve shoved in a dark corner of my mind and shut off.”
“But I think you have,” Mikey pushed. “At least the chance to go out and make absolutely certain it wasn’t just the two of them. You and Nicholas have a history. And Andrew wasn’t as unbiased as you wanted to believe – considering you were willing to give him a shot based on the fact that he and Nicholas were together and he wanted to make Nicholas happy. It just made the two of you try harder to make it work. But, despite your protestations, I think it does niggle at the back of your brain sometimes. You see a good-looking guy that you all agree is hot and you wonder if they’d be willing to let you mess around a bit – carefully, of course – just out of curiosity. But you never had the guts to ask because you do truly love them and you don’t want to break up your happy home. Though now Ariel’s at college – and I’m sure the three of you looked your fill at all those virile young men while you were there – it’s gnawing at the back of your mind and in the pit of your stomach and you don’t know how to put words to what you’re feeling.”
Derrick slammed his empty beer bottle down on the table and glared at Mikey as he swallowed the last of his beer. “Fuck. You.” he said. “You’re out of line.”
“I’m just calling it as I see it,” Mikey said as Derrick stood, roughly pushing the chair back, and stormed out.
He got out to the balcony and clung to it, focusing on a spot in the parking lot below and taking deep breaths. Was Mikey really speaking the truth? Was he really pushing off his fear that he’d never be single again onto Nicholas and Andrew and pretending that he was afraid of them leaving him? It was true that he did look sometimes. And it was also true that sometimes his fantasies when he was alone didn’t include either Nicholas or Andrew, but a nameless guy he had seen on the street.
He had never thought much of it, always figuring that since it was safely contained in his mind, it didn’t hurt anyone and that it might have even done the three of them a bit of good over the years, because when he was with them after one of those fantasies, he made sure he was extra attentive. Or was it because he was feeling guilty? Or was he really afraid that they’d figure it out and kick him out?
Of course, in the beginning he’d been curious of what it would be like with a guy that wasn’t Nicholas or Andrew, but he’d been quick to push that aside because he found that they were everything he ever wanted in a partner – both separately and together – and that he loved the two of them more than he thought possible.
Derrick carefully sank down onto the hard concrete and leaned back against the building and looked out over the darkening sky, letting his thoughts race, not trying to examine or contain them.
One memory that jumped out was Ariel’s first birthday. They’d thrown a big party that was as much “We’ve survived this past year!” as it was “Ariel is turning one!” It had been a great party and everyone had had a great time. And he remembered that Nicholas and Andrew had disappeared with Ariel to put her to bed and Nicholas’ mom had followed soon after as Derrick and Nicholas’ dad finished cleaning up. When they were done, he went to say goodnight to Ariel, but paused outside the door and listened to their conversation.
“Are you sure it’s wise to bring him into this?” Nicholas’ mom had asked.
“It’s probably not wise, but it’s not an option now,” Nicholas had replied. “He’s a part of our family now.”
“But things are going to be tough for the three of you as it is, let alone with Derrick part of the picture.”
Andrew sighed and Nicholas said in exasperation, “You’re right, Mom, it’s going to be hard for Andrew, Ariel, and I regardless of whether or not Derrick is a part of the picture. So, we’d like to keep Derrick as part of the picture too. We’re not going into this naively and if something comes up, we’ll work it out. He makes us happy, and I think we make him happy too. At least, it seems like we do – like when we were little.”
At that point, Derrick entered the room and pretended like he hadn’t heard a thing. Mrs. Thady had given him a small smile before she excused herself, but both Nicholas and Andrew were their normal warm selves as Derrick looked Ariel over in her crib and made sure her blanket was positioned right. Before they left the room, both men kissed Derrick as if their lives depended on it.
Go to Part Two
Author: Adrian/sam_gamgee
Rating: hard R
Warnings: None
Summary: The start of freshman year causes some unexpected anxiety.
Note 1: Written for the
polybigbang.Note 2: I received an awesome mix and some awesome art from
little_missmimi. And many thanks to exbex for beta-ing for me.“Come on, come on. We’ve got to get moving!”
Nicholas groaned into his pillow. “It’s too early, Der. You should still be asleep – like Andy, Ariel, and me.”
“But we need to get going or Ariel’s going to be late!”
Andrew cracked an eye open. “It’s six a.m., Derrick. And while Eugene is two hours away, move-in goes all day. Relax.”
Derrick bounced down on the bed with a huff. “I know, but –”
“No buts,” Nicholas growled as he shifted towards the middle of the bed to give Derrick room. “Either get back in bed, or go away. I’m not getting up until eight – like we planned.”
“Same here,” Andrew added.
“But what if Ariel’s ready to go before that?” Derrick pouted.
Andrew lifted his head and glared at Derrick over Nicholas. “Our niece has been dragging her feet about going for the past week. There’s no way in hell she’d be ready to go at this hour, even if she was as excited as she was at the beginning of the summer. And there’s also no way you’d be able to bribe her with something that we wouldn’t know about.”
“Okay, you got me there.” Derrick lay back down with a sigh and crossed his arms over his chest as Andrew settled back in bed, back pressed against Nicholas’ side.
“How much coffee have you had?” Nicholas asked quietly.
“Two cups,” Derrick replied, staring resolutely at the ceiling.
“Big or little?” Nicholas pressed.
“Little.”
“And you’ve been up for how long?”
“Half an hour. And I had a bowl of Cheerios for breakfast, Mom.”
Nicholas laughed, burrowed his head in Derrick’s shoulder, and threw an arm around him. “Love you,” he said before pressing a kiss to Derrick’s clothed shoulder.
“Love you too, Thay,” Derrick replied softly, grabbing Nicholas’ arm with one of his hands.
The alarm beeped two hours later and the three men got up. Derrick went to the kitchen to dump the left-over coffee and start a fresh pot as Nicholas jumped in the shower and Andrew went to wake Ariel before joining him. Derrick turned on Saturday morning cartoons and watched one of the shorts before knocking on Ariel’s door again on his way into the master bedroom to make the bed. Andrew was the first one out of the bathroom.
He kissed Derrick on his way to his dresser and said, “Good morning.”
“Morning,” Derrick replied and finished the bed.
“Is she up yet?” Nicholas asked as he exited the bathroom.
“Haven’t heard anything yet,” Derrick replied with a quick peck on the lips. “Get dressed and I’ll keep working on her.” Crossing to Ariel’s bedroom door again, he pounded on it and yelled in, “Come on, kiddo, you have to get up.”
“I’m up,” came the muffled response. “But I can’t find my boots.”
“They’re already packed. Remember we agreed they’re not a good footwear choice for moving in to college?” Derrick rolled his eyes in amusement at the dramatic sigh that came through the door. “Come on, we want to leave by nine.”
“Why didn’t you wake me earlier? It’s eight-thirty!” Ariel yelled as she ran into the bathroom, clutching her clothes to her chest and slamming the door behind her.
“I tried,” Derrick replied through the door, “but you didn’t respond. And you assured us last night that you’d be ready to leave at nine this morning.”
Nicholas and Andrew both smirked in amusement as they passed him on their way to the kitchen. “It’s weird thinking that soon our normal Saturday won’t be so normal,” Andrew said, pouring himself a cup of coffee.
“I don’t think we’ll need to have Ariel here if we want to watch cartoons,” Nicholas replied dryly. “Besides, she technically grew out of them a long time ago.”
At 8:59, Nicholas was handing Ariel a package of pop-tarts and a travel mug with orange juice as he asked, “Do you have everything? Because we’re not turning around and we’re not making any special trips.”
“Yes, Thay, I have everything.” She rolled her eyes and the four of them headed out. “You guys have been asking me that all week.”
The move-in process ended up being less dramatic than the three men had expected. The drive from Portland to Eugene had been quick and easy. Upperclassmen were stationed all over the campus to direct them to Ariel’s dorm, and then help unload the truck and take things up to her room while Andrew parked. Ariel’s things were unpacked in short order, and just in time before her roommate and her family showed up and the room got crowded. While they set up, Nicholas helped the girls set up their electronics and run cords around the room, sending Andrew and Derrick to the campus bookstore twice each for things they hadn’t realized they’d need. Once they’d finished, the four of them went out for a late lunch.
On the way back to Ariel’s dorm, she looped an arm through Derrick’s and pulled him back behind Nicholas and Andrew. “Will you guys be okay?” she asked him quietly.
“Of course, kiddo,” he replied with a laugh. “Why wouldn’t we be?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I just want to make sure.”
“There’s nothing to worry about,” he reassured her. “We’re going to drop you off at your dorm, ask you fifty more times if you’re okay and if you have everything, during which you’ll push us towards the car and tell us you’re fine and A College Freshman, then we’re going to go home and have a really dull rest of the day – the kind that you roll your eyes at. Then we’ll disregard your repeated requests to not call you this week and call you around nine or ten tonight, just to make sure you’re really okay and everything is going okay so far with your roommate and we’ll ask if you’ve met any guys yet and what their names are so one of us can Google him while we’re on the phone and then we’ll tell you not to go out with him because he’s bad news and you’ll tell us to butt out and hang up in a huff and we’ll look at each other in surprise and ask if we overstepped our bounds. Then we’ll reassure each other we’re just trying to be good uncles and that probably all the other freshmen parents are doing the same thing – or will at some point this week – and watch the baseball game.”
Ariel laughed. “Yeah, that sounds like something you guys would do. Just, you know, don’t let Thay near the computer – he’s too good with it and you guys won’t need any sealed government files.”
Derrick wrapped his arm around Ariel’s shoulders. “We’ll be fine, I promise. It’s going to be an adjustment for us too, you know. It’s going to be quiet around the apartment without you, your friends, your music blaring, and your cell phone ringing every five seconds.”
“Oh, please.” She rolled her eyes. “You guys started blocking that out when I turned twelve.”
“Yes, we did,” Derrick agreed. “But we have enjoyed looking at all the college boys during the college tours over the past year and around campus today.”
“I’m not sure if I should be disgusted or amused. Have you enjoyed looking at the girls too?”
Derrick shrugged. “The skimpy clothing tends to be a huge turn-off. I like having my imagination stimulated,” he added pointedly.
Ariel rolled her eyes in amusement, but he could tell she had gotten the message. “So Andy, Thay, and I are stuck with you?”
“Like glue. Like superglue. Like duct tape,” he told her, squeezing her to his side. “I’m not going anywhere. What makes you think I would?”
She shrugged. “I’m just being silly and worrying. I think I’m just worried about this whole college thing and need something else to focus on.”
“Yeah, I think you got that worrying thing from me. Sorry.”
Ariel laughed and smacked his stomach. “You’re not even my biological, Der.”
“And how many times have people said you look like me over the years?”
“A lot, even with my red hair. And a lot have said I look like Thay or Andy or none of you.”
“You may not be my biological, but you’re still my niece in all the ways that count. Same goes for Thay. And Andy couldn’t love you any more if you were his own daughter. Your mom and dad would be so proud of you.”
“I wish I could’ve known them,” she said.
“I do too,” Derrick said quickly, wanting to steer the conversation back to a lighter place. “But from what Andy and Thay keep telling us, they were pretty awesome – just like everyone else in this family.” They stopped outside her dorm. “You okay now?” he asked her.
She nodded. “I think so.”
“What were you two gabbing about back there?” Nicholas asked.
“Cute boys,” Derrick easily deflected. “And how there’s a lot of them around here and how Ariel had better focus on studying for the classes on her actual schedule and not extracurricular ones – like anatomy, chemistry, or biology.”
“I’m glad you’ve got that covered, then,” Nicholas said, “because I wasn’t looking forward to having that conversation.”
“Do you think you’re all set, Ariel?” Andrew asked.
She nodded again. “I’ve got my books and enough snacks and school supplies to last me the next four years. I think I’m good.”
“Want us to leave now?” he asked.
“You probably should. I think my RA has some freshmen bonding stuff planned this evening. And I want to hang out with my roommate some too.”
The guys nodded and said their good-byes before headed home.
Derrick was pensive and quiet during the drive home. He hadn’t expected to miss Ariel so much so quickly, but it felt odd knowing they probably wouldn’t be seeing her until Thanksgiving. He’d always been the closest to Ariel out of the three of them, even though Andrew was her biological uncle. It was going to be hard adjusting to not having her come to him with her problems, like a skinned knee from learning to roller skate or a bruised heart after the boy she had a crush on brushed her off at the eighth grade formal. It had taken him a good cry, sharing a pint of ice cream, and a couple of hours of talking to help her realize that 14-year-old boys can be jerks and that they don’t usually mean it intentionally, but their hormones sometimes get the best of them. And then he had celebrated with her two years later when the same boy asked her to the homecoming dance and they started going out.
He chuckled softly to himself, which made Andrew glance at him in the rearview mirror, remembering how she’d come to him right after graduation, unsure of how to handle the fact that they were going to different colleges and whether or not a long-distance relationship was a good idea. This time had included the ice cream and the talking, but thankfully no crying. And he did his best to play devil’s advocate the whole time, but to let her make her own conclusions and felt very proud of her when she decided that she wanted to be friends, but not together and relieved when she made the phone call and found that he’d come to the same conclusion. He knew they’d get back together if it was meant to be – and it was looking like a strong possibility.
But as his silence extended well into the evening, Nicholas and Andrew began exchanging worried glances that Derrick pretended not to notice.
“It’s not like she’s going to be gone forever,” Nicholas finally said, his tone gentle as he sat down next to Derrick at the kitchen table. “At worst, she’ll be back for Thanksgiving. And knowing her, she’ll be calling us to come pick her up for a weekend as soon as things get settled.”
“I know,” Derrick replied. “But I can still miss her, right?”
“Of course,” Andrew replied, the eye-rolling evident in his voice as he wrapped his arms around Derrick’s shoulders from behind. “We do and we’d be worried if you didn’t. That’s why there’s such a thing as empty nest syndrome, remember? Ariel’s been teasing us about it all summer.”
Derrick smiled wanly. “I know.” He shrugged. “I just – I don’t know. I just feel... off.”
“It’s a big adjustment for all of us,” Nicholas assured, taking Derrick’s hand in his. “I’m sure it’s going to hit Andy and me over the next day or so too and then all three of us can be miserable together.”
Derrick carefully extracted himself from them and stood. “I’m going to take a walk. I’ll be back in a little while.”
They both nodded and extracted a kiss from him before he left.
Derrick headed out of the building and, pushing his hands into his pockets, sauntered down the street. If he was truthful with himself, he’d been feeling odd for at least the past week, and off and on since Ariel started her college search. He wanted to say that he’d simply been picking up on Ariel’s trepidation at starting college, but seeing how excited she was once she’d unpacked and met her roommate should have taken care of that. He puffed up his cheeks, then slowly let out his breath as he looked up at the darkening sky.
He hated admitting he was being stupid. That was the only way he could describe what he was feeling. Because Nicholas and Andrew wouldn’t kick him out now, after eighteen years together. Would they? Neither the pavement under his feet nor the buildings around him offered any answers, so the question bounced around in his head as he walked, hoping if he walked long enough, he’d be able to convince himself of what he knew was true.
Derrick’s mood didn’t improve over the next few days – in fact it got worse. He became short-tempered with both Andrew and Nicholas and physically withdrew from them as well. He disregarded any attempts on their parts to talk to him about what was going on and even began sleeping on the couch instead of in bed with them.
Wednesday night, Nicholas and Andrew decided to ambush Derrick after work. Andrew made Derrick’s favorite meal, which Derrick regarded suspiciously when he arrived home, and Andrew and Nicholas kept the conversation light during the meal and cleanup.
Afterwards, Derrick went to turn on the TV, but Nicholas intercepted him, swiping up the remote before Derrick could even touch it. “We need to talk,” he said seriously.
Derrick glared and thought about saying something sarcastic, but then he suddenly deflated and sank down into the couch. Confused, Nicholas sat down on one side of him and threw the remote on the coffee table before taking Derrick’s hand in his.
Andrew joined them and sat on Derrick’s other side and took his other hand as Nicholas asked, “What’s going on, Der?”
“It’s nothing,” Derrick replied, not looking at either of his partners, and feeling his face flush.
“It’s not nothing,” Andrew rebuffed. “If it was nothing, you wouldn’t still be in a foul mood. Or sleeping on the couch. We’ve been together for eighteen years, remember? We know you really damn well at this point.”
“It’s stupid, then,” Derrick amended.
“With the way you’ve been acting, I’m thinking it’s something monumentally stupid,” Nicholas replied without any real bite. “What’s up, Der?”
“I think it’s time for me to go,” Derrick told them.
“Go where?” Andrew asked, confusion evident in his expression.
“You know – leave,” Derrick replied. “This was never part of the plan.”
“What plan?” Nicholas asked.
“You know – our original plan,” Derrick told him, as if it should be exceedingly evident to a three-year-old. He looked down at the floor as he added, “I was only supposed to stay for a month. You know – until I figured myself out.”
“And you think that now that Ariel’s off at college you’ve worn out your welcome?” Andrew asked, comprehension beginning to dawn.
Derrick bit his lip and nodded without looking up. Andrew and Nicholas glanced at each other and rolled their eyes before they both smacked Derrick upside the head. “What was that for?” he asked, looking at both of them in surprise.
“Being monumentally stupid,” Nicholas replied. “If you had worn out your welcome, it would have been long before now and we would’ve drop-kicked your ass clear out of here then. I thought you knew us better than that.”
“How long have you been worrying about this?” Andrew asked.
Derrick shrugged. “I don’t know. A while. It started as little thoughts in the back of my head that I didn’t really pay attention to or just brushed off – back when Ariel was first starting to look at colleges, I guess? Then it just started getting slowly stronger after she made her decision and we started planning.”
“So this has been going on for a year?” Nicholas asked incredulously. “And you didn’t think to mention it to either of us?”
Derrick looked at them sheepishly. “And say what? ‘I think I’m having a mid-life crisis of second thoughts’?”
“You could’ve just been honest with us,” Andrew said. “We’ve both known you for a long time – and Nicholas even longer than I have.”
“I just,” Derrick blew out a breath. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess I had hoped it was just jitters over knowing things were going to change and worrying at what was going to happen. Things weren’t supposed to go like this, you know.”
“Like what?” Andrew asked. “You having an emotional crisis because of Ariel going to college? Of course not.”
Derrick rolled his eyes and smiled slightly. “No, I mean all of this. The two of you weren’t supposed to be raising Ariel. And if that hadn’t happened, then we wouldn’t have randomly met again, and then we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
“You’re right,” Nicholas agreed. “We’re not ‘supposed’ to be raising Ariel, but since a drunk driver hit Andy’s sister’s car head-on, here we are. But you know Andy and I don’t regret a moment of it. Well, maybe except that one time with the tie-dye.”
Both Derrick and Andrew chuckled and Derrick commented, “I think there’s still some paint splattered behind the refrigerator.”
“Probably,” Nicholas replied with an amused smile. “And, you’re right, if we hadn’t had to make an emergency stop for diapers that particular night, I wouldn’t have run into you again. But, you know what? I don’t regret any of it. We were best friends growing up, Der. And even though things went sour for us right before college, I’m glad we were able to have a second chance. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to repeat history.”
“Me neither,” Derrick replied. “But we never talked about things back then.”
“Back when the month was up?” Nicholas asked and Derrick nodded. Nicholas shrugged. “I guess it just slipped our minds. I know I was enjoying how things were going and wanted to see how they’d play out if we gave them a little longer.”
“And I was too,” Andrew replied. “I’ll admit I was skeptical about our arrangement and more than a little certain that you’d steal Nicholas away from me – you two definitely had more of a history than Nicholas and I did, or so I thought. But at the same time, what we were doing felt surprisingly good and I didn’t want to give that up – or scare Nicholas away. But after a while, I realized that I was falling in love with you, Derrick.”
“Are you sure you two don’t want to boot me out and get on with the way your lives were supposed to go?” Derrick pushed.
“What way?” Andrew asked with a laugh. “You know we never had a grand plan for our lives. And I think it’s a little late to reclaim the last eighteen years.”
“Yeah, it’s really unattractive when a bunch of guys in their mid-forties are trying to act like they’re not quite thirty,” Nicholas agreed. “Remember we were laughing at them the other day at the bar?”
Derrick snickered. “Those guys had no reason to hit on those girls. It was just sad. And the worst part is that I don’t think they were drunk.”
“I think they were,” Andrew said. “One of them kept bumping me. At least they’re not regulars.”
“They would’ve gotten a smack-down from everyone else in the bar if they had been, I think,” Nicholas said. He brought Derrick’s hand up and kissed the back of it. “We’re not going anywhere, Der, and we don’t want you to either.”
“We mean it,” Andrew said, squeezing Derrick’s other hand.
“Thanks guys,” Derrick said. “And I do love you both, and while I understand what you’re saying, I just wish I could believe it.”
“How can we help you believe it?” Nicholas asked.
“I wish I knew,” Derrick replied, comforted by their reactions, but still unsure of himself. “Because I really do want this. Way more than I ever thought I would – especially back when we started. If you’d asked me back then where I saw myself in five, ten, twenty years, this is not what I would have said. Five years, I probably would’ve said where I was then. Ten years, starting a family. Twenty – you get the idea. But this….” He bit his bottom lip. “This is so much better than anything I could’ve come up with on my own. And if it hadn’t been for you guys, I probably would’ve been divorced two or three times by now and working towards another one and with who knows how many alimony payments.”
Nicholas snorted. “Yeah, I doubt that. You were always the most hopeful romantic out there, remember?”
Derrick chuckled despite himself. “I know. But I would’ve been serious every time I got married and completely sure it was going to work right up until the point it didn’t anymore, so....”
“But then you ended up overstaying your welcome at your friends’ place when you first moved here and after running into your best childhood friend, his partner and their infant niece, and spending a weekend of domesticity with them, your life took a very sharp right turn. And you didn’t look back once – well, until now.”
“Until now,” Derrick repeated in agreement. “I’m sorry, guys, I just –” He carefully extracted himself from them and stood, knowing that if he let them, they’d lure him into a false sense of security and his feelings would just fester. “I appreciate this and I do feel better, but I’m not ready yet.”
“What do you need from us?” Andrew, ever the practical one, asked.
Derrick shrugged, feeling lost. “I don’t know. Be yourselves, I guess. I need to figure myself out first, then we can go from there, okay?”
“You know we’ll help out however we can,” Nicholas said, reaching out to take Derrick’s hand.
Derrick stepped back and gently said, “I know, Thay. I just – I need to do this on my own. I might go over to Mikey’s for a few days.”
Both men nodded. “Whatever you need, Der,” Andrew said. “Just remember we love you. And we’re not going to give you up easily.”
Derrick smiled. “I know. And I don’t want to give you guys up either. I just need to get my head out of my ass. And I’ll be needing the couch for that.”
“The bed’s going to feel lonely without you,” Nicholas said, taking the hint and standing.
“You’ll get used to it again,” Derrick replied.
“I hope we won’t have to,” Andrew told him as they helped Derrick open up the bed. “Wow, this brings back memories.”
“It’s amazing this thing survived Ariel,” Nicholas said with a laugh. “Between her as a baby, and then with her sleepovers...” They all laughed. “Think I should call her?”
“She’s a college freshman now,” Derrick reminded him. “And we saw her earlier this week. Remember what she said before we left?”
Nicholas rolled his eyes and quoted, “‘Don’t call me this week unless something’s on fire, and then grab Stoof on your way out’. But she’s our little girl.”
“I’m surprised she didn’t take the bear with her,” Andrew said. “I know she wants to look grown up, but –”
“Like you were with Pookie?” Nicholas asked affectionately. “I’m sure she’ll have us take him up before too long. She is her uncle’s niece.”
Andrew made a face at Nicholas as the phone rang and he went to answer it. “Hello? Hey, sweetie.” He smiled at Nicholas and Derrick and they laughed. “We were just talking about you. I thought you didn’t want to talk to us this week. I know – you’re allowed to change your mind. How are things going? How are things with your roommate so far? Good, good. I miss you too. Do you want to talk to the other two or is that a stupid question?” He laughed and handed the cordless phone over to Derrick. “For you.”
“Hey, kiddo,” Derrick said, wandering away from them. “Why aren’t you at a party or something?”
“Because I don’t want to be?” she replied in amusement. “Besides, I’d rather not get in trouble right away. And there’s all sorts of ways I can assert my independence and figure out who I am without going to parties every night. Or so a few people have told me.”
“Very funny,” Derrick replied dryly. “Are you enjoying your classes?”
“I am. I think music education was the right way to go.”
“Good to hear. And is your roommate still alive and mostly uninjured?”
“She is,” Ariel replied with a laugh. “She’s actually pretty awesome.”
“I’m glad to hear it. You’ll have to bring her home with you one weekend. Not that you need to come home any time soon, mind you.”
“I miss you too, Der. Can I talk to Thay?”
“Of course. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
Derrick handed Nicholas the phone. “Hey, honey,” Nicholas said. “How’re your classes going so far?”
While Nicholas was talking to Ariel, Derrick went into the bedroom and called Mikey on his cell. “Hey,” he said when Mikey answered. “I was wondering if I could ask a huge favor?”
“Sure, what can I do for you, my man?” Mikey asked.
“I need to borrow your couch for a few days.”
“What happened to yours? Did you guys break it with all of your wild and enthusiastic sex since Ariel’s now away at college?”
“Ha. Ha. Very funny. No, ours is still very much intact. I just need somewhere to crash for a few days,” Derrick admitted, rubbing his thumbnail over his forehead.
“Of course, of course,” Mikey replied, suddenly very serious. “Come over whenever you want, I’m not going anywhere. Do you need me to come pick you up?”
“No, I’ll be okay – I just need to throw some stuff together. I’ll be there shortly.”
“Okay. I’ll see ya.”
Derrick grabbed a duffel bag out of the closet and threw enough clothes in it for the next few days. He grabbed his toiletries out of the bathroom and the book he was reading from the nightstand by the bed and stuffed them in as well. He went out into the main living area as Nicholas hung up the phone and both Nicholas and Andrew stared at him and the bag as he placed it on the kitchen table.
He hated the situation he was putting the three of them in, but he didn’t know how to go about it any other way. “I’m going to Mikey’s for a few days. Hopefully it’ll help me clear my head and let me see how much of an asshole I’m being.”
Both of his partners nodded as they joined him and Andrew said, “You are being an asshole. But you’re our asshole and we love you. And if you feel you need to do this, we’ll support you completely.”
“And we’re here if you need us for anything,” Nicholas added. “Though, you should know that.”
Derrick nodded. “I know. I love you guys.”
“And we love you too,” Andrew said, leaning in and cupping Derrick’s face with his hand. He kissed Derrick tenderly and hopefully.
Then Nicholas leaned in and kissed him. This one was also tender, and full of love and promise. “Keep in touch, okay?”
“Okay,” Derrick said as he grabbed his bag.
“Do you want a ride over?” Andrew asked.
Derrick shook his head. “I can manage just fine. And it should only be a few days.”
Without another word, Derrick headed out and down to the transit stop. When he arrived at Mikey’s apartment, the other man quickly opened the door and ushered him inside. Derrick dropped his things by the couch and Mikey handed him a beer bottle.
“How bad is it?” he asked as he uncapped his own beer and sat down at the kitchen table.
“It’s not bad – honestly,” Derrick said, joining him. “And truthfully, it’s all me and I’m being a monumental jackass.”
“Knowing you and those two guys and how solid your relationship is, you probably are, but please explain,” Mikey agreed before taking a sip of beer.
Derrick shrugged a shoulder. “I’m just having a crisis of faith in them. Logically, I know that nothing’s changed fundamentally between the three of us now that Ariel’s away at college, but it feels like everything should be different. And a small part of me keeps thinking that they’re going to give me the boot now that she’s grown so that they can have the life they’d planned.”
Mikey rolled his eyes. “You really are being an idiot. They have mentioned that they had been considering finding a way to have kids when Andrew’s sister and brother-in-law died, right?” Derrick nodded and Mikey continued, “Then why the hell are you thinking that they’re thinking they’re now ‘back on track’ with Ariel in college? They’ve been on track the whole time. It was just a matter of when and how for them.”
He took another sip of beer to give Derrick a moment to digest that. “And every time I’ve heard someone question your place in the relationship, and the timing of it, they’ve both said the same thing – it was a happy coincidence. Not only did they get a child to raise, who was biologically related to one of them, even if it was out of Andrew’s misfortune, but it also brought the three of you together – which I know Nicholas is really happy about and while Andrew was skeptical at first, he’s been completely, 100% won over.”
“Like I said, logically, I know this, but for some reason I can’t believe that they still want me.”
“What else has happened lately?” Mikey asked, staring hard at Derrick. And Derrick was fairly certain Mikey could see right through him. “I know you’re not telling me something.”
“Believe me, I’m being completely honest with you!” Derrick replied indignantly.
Mikey continued to stare at Derrick as he took another sip of beer. “I think you saw something you liked when you three were moving Ariel into college and it’s making you wonder if you’ve wasted the best years of your life in domestic bliss.”
Derrick sputtered and glared at Mikey. “I did not see anything! And I’m offended at that remark. I haven’t looked at anyone else or even thought about ‘wasting the best years of my life’ since I started this whole thing with Nicholas and Andrew and I’m not going to start now.”
“It was a pretty abrupt change, you have to admit,” Mikey said calmly. “You’d been going out clubbing regularly prior to that point and then suddenly decided to change because of a chance reunion. It had to chafe a bit, from time to time, didn’t it? Knowing that they were expecting you to be monogamous with them when you were used to getting your fill and moving on. But they were expecting you to stay put and play house with them and their baby.”
“Stop it!” Derrick said angrily. “I’ve been happy with them!”
“I’m sure you have,” Mikey replied. “They’re great guys and Ariel’s a great kid. They’re like the brass ring of families. But realizing that you’re bisexual the same time you realize you’re in a monogamous gay relationship had to have sucked. Especially when you didn’t plan either. You’ve never had a chance to play that part of the field, have you? It’s sad, really.”
“I’ve been happy,” Derrick repeated, seething on the inside, but at the same time feeling like Mikey was pushing on a wound that he had never acknowledged existed. “And, sure, I’ve looked a few times, but then everyone does. Even Nicholas and Andrew. We’ve made a game out of it – judging other guys, them asking me what I think of different women. It’s not like it’s something I’ve shoved in a dark corner of my mind and shut off.”
“But I think you have,” Mikey pushed. “At least the chance to go out and make absolutely certain it wasn’t just the two of them. You and Nicholas have a history. And Andrew wasn’t as unbiased as you wanted to believe – considering you were willing to give him a shot based on the fact that he and Nicholas were together and he wanted to make Nicholas happy. It just made the two of you try harder to make it work. But, despite your protestations, I think it does niggle at the back of your brain sometimes. You see a good-looking guy that you all agree is hot and you wonder if they’d be willing to let you mess around a bit – carefully, of course – just out of curiosity. But you never had the guts to ask because you do truly love them and you don’t want to break up your happy home. Though now Ariel’s at college – and I’m sure the three of you looked your fill at all those virile young men while you were there – it’s gnawing at the back of your mind and in the pit of your stomach and you don’t know how to put words to what you’re feeling.”
Derrick slammed his empty beer bottle down on the table and glared at Mikey as he swallowed the last of his beer. “Fuck. You.” he said. “You’re out of line.”
“I’m just calling it as I see it,” Mikey said as Derrick stood, roughly pushing the chair back, and stormed out.
He got out to the balcony and clung to it, focusing on a spot in the parking lot below and taking deep breaths. Was Mikey really speaking the truth? Was he really pushing off his fear that he’d never be single again onto Nicholas and Andrew and pretending that he was afraid of them leaving him? It was true that he did look sometimes. And it was also true that sometimes his fantasies when he was alone didn’t include either Nicholas or Andrew, but a nameless guy he had seen on the street.
He had never thought much of it, always figuring that since it was safely contained in his mind, it didn’t hurt anyone and that it might have even done the three of them a bit of good over the years, because when he was with them after one of those fantasies, he made sure he was extra attentive. Or was it because he was feeling guilty? Or was he really afraid that they’d figure it out and kick him out?
Of course, in the beginning he’d been curious of what it would be like with a guy that wasn’t Nicholas or Andrew, but he’d been quick to push that aside because he found that they were everything he ever wanted in a partner – both separately and together – and that he loved the two of them more than he thought possible.
Derrick carefully sank down onto the hard concrete and leaned back against the building and looked out over the darkening sky, letting his thoughts race, not trying to examine or contain them.
One memory that jumped out was Ariel’s first birthday. They’d thrown a big party that was as much “We’ve survived this past year!” as it was “Ariel is turning one!” It had been a great party and everyone had had a great time. And he remembered that Nicholas and Andrew had disappeared with Ariel to put her to bed and Nicholas’ mom had followed soon after as Derrick and Nicholas’ dad finished cleaning up. When they were done, he went to say goodnight to Ariel, but paused outside the door and listened to their conversation.
“Are you sure it’s wise to bring him into this?” Nicholas’ mom had asked.
“It’s probably not wise, but it’s not an option now,” Nicholas had replied. “He’s a part of our family now.”
“But things are going to be tough for the three of you as it is, let alone with Derrick part of the picture.”
Andrew sighed and Nicholas said in exasperation, “You’re right, Mom, it’s going to be hard for Andrew, Ariel, and I regardless of whether or not Derrick is a part of the picture. So, we’d like to keep Derrick as part of the picture too. We’re not going into this naively and if something comes up, we’ll work it out. He makes us happy, and I think we make him happy too. At least, it seems like we do – like when we were little.”
At that point, Derrick entered the room and pretended like he hadn’t heard a thing. Mrs. Thady had given him a small smile before she excused herself, but both Nicholas and Andrew were their normal warm selves as Derrick looked Ariel over in her crib and made sure her blanket was positioned right. Before they left the room, both men kissed Derrick as if their lives depended on it.
Go to Part Two
