SGA fic: Gaijin, part 25/40
Dec. 20th, 2008 10:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sam_gamgeeGaijin, Part 25/40
The complete header can be found in part 1.
Previous parts can be found here.
The next day, Rodney was guiltily thankful that Evan’s team was sent off-world for a few days to deal with a dispute between another team and the natives. From there, it was easy enough for him to avoid Chuck. He wasn’t sure how to deal wit them or how to fix what he had done.
His escape was his work in the labs. The projects he was working on helped him lose himself a few hours in something definite and concrete, and he was able to keep to himself and not be bothered by anyone. Since he had started back in the labs, he realized that the one habit he hadn’t been able to shake during his four cycles away was keeping an eye on the rest of the lab. It wasn’t nearly as interesting now with the Wraith mostly gone and the scientists better able to adapt to their new environment. But there was still alien technology that couldn’t be trifled with and Rodney wanted to keep everyone as safe as possible.
The downside to this was that the original expedition members knew – or at least assumed – that he was watching them and some would look to him before carrying out Radek’s orders. Getting fed up with it, Rodney sent out a polite, if scathing email to the scientists telling them that even though he was back, Radek was going to stay the Head of the Science Department, so they needed to get over it and start listening to him again. And if they didn’t, he still had the authority, and know-how, to freeze their showers for a week.
But what he hated even more were the newer members who didn’t seem to respect the proper order of things and didn’t listen to him when he told them to not do something. But they finally started to listen after a few singed fingers, a broken pair of glasses, and another scathing email telling them they were all morons and that they should be thankful that what had happened with Carson had been the worst of it – so far. After that, he sent Radek a scathing email dressing him down for not putting the fear of God into the new members over the Ancient technology. Radek, true to form, ignored him.
After two days of this, Rodney went back to his quarters, feeling surprisingly light and happy. Chuck was waiting for him outside of his door, his arms crossed.
“You’ve been ignoring me,” Chuck stated as Rodney swiped his hand over the lock.
“Yes, I have,” Rodney agreed as he went inside.
“Why?” Chuck asked as he lingered in the doorway. “Is it because Evan’s not here?”
“If we’re going to have a deep discussion, you better come in. I don’t think either of us wants just anyone to hear what we have to say.” Once the door had shut behind Chuck, Rodney continued, “And, no, I haven’t been ignoring you because Evan isn’t here. I’ve been ignoring you because I royally screwed things up the other night and I didn’t know how to handle it afterwards.”
Chuck snorted. “I’d hardly call getting off on just being touched screwing things up royally. Slightly unorthodox maybe and definitely unexpected. Would it help if I told you that it wasn’t our intention to get you off? Or that we’re not upset by it?”
Rodney shrugged. “I appreciate it, but not a whole lot, no.” He puffed out his cheeks and then let the breath out slowly. “I just – I’m horrible at this sort of thing – relationships in general, I mean – and I’d rather bow out and see the two of you happy than pull this relationship, or whatever it is, through the mud and make a huge disaster out of it.”
“And what about us, hmm?” Chuck asked, advancing on Rodney. “I know Evan and I both agreed to back off if you decided you didn’t want to be with us, but you’re going to back off because of one little bump in the road? The Rodney McKay I know wouldn’t do that.”
“I’m not the man I was before I left.”
“I’m talking about the one who came back. I know you’re scared about doing this. But so are Evan and I. Neither of us has ever been in a threesome relationship before.”
“I think we should wait until Evan’s back to have this discussion,” Rodney said feebly as Chuck entered his personal space.
“Fair enough,” Chuck replied, “but you should know: neither of us is planning on running just because something feels a little out of our depth, and we hope you won’t either. At least not yet.”
Rodney sighed. “Okay. But you’ll both have to do a better job of convincing me.”
“Will this help?”
Chuck put his hands on Rodney’s hips and kissed him. Once Rodney got over his initial shock, he relaxed into Chuck’s embrace and kissed him back, his hands coming up to lightly grip Chuck’s upper arms. He tentatively ran his tongue along Chuck’s bottom lip and Chuck yielded to him. Rodney’s tongue dipped in, tasting Chuck and he groaned softly.
Chuck finally broke the kiss and pressed his forehead against Rodney’s. He opened his mouth to say something and hesitated, his hand going to his ear. “Yeah, Evan, he’s with me.” He paused. “Okay, I’ll tell him. We’ll be there as soon as we can.” Stepping out of Rodney’s embrace, Chuck said, “Evan wants me to yell at you for not wearing your earpiece. And he wants to meet us for dinner.”
Rodney sighed, letting go of his desire to get a shower before dinner. “Okay. Let me at least get changed first.” He gathered a Lapran outfit and headed into the bathroom, calling over his shoulder, “I think the three of us are going to have to set some ground rules for our relationship.”
“Like what?” Chuck asked, following him and standing outside the door.
“Like what happens when one of us goes off-world. Obviously, that’ll be Evan more often than you or I, but there’s still a possibility that one of us would need to do so.” Rodney exited the bathroom. “I just want us to know where we’re all coming from and what we’re expecting and all of that.”
“Okay, sounds reasonable,” Chuck replied as he followed Rodney out of the room and down to the mess hall.
Evan stood when they both approached his table with their trays. He gave them a warm smile and Rodney could tell he wanted to hug them, or kiss them, or something, but didn’t feel like he could. When they all sat down, Evan asked, “How have you two been?”
“Good,” Chuck replied.
“Fine,” Rodney replied. “I had to remind the science department who was in charge and of the idea of safety in regards to alien technology. It was long over-due, if you ask me.”
“How was the mission?” Chuck asked between bites.
Evan shrugged. “The dispute was more of a misunderstanding than anything else, so it was easy to get settled. But I would have rather listened to Rodney chew out his scientists than the talks I had to sit through. These people make Rodney’s rants seem like a quick chat.”
“Wow, that makes me feel almost loved,” Rodney replied dryly. “Seriously, though, you should have been on PX9-254. A short talk was three hours.” He paused for a moment before saying quietly, “We need to talk after dinner.”
“If you’re going to say that you want out because of what happened the other night, I will kick your ass from here to the Midway Station and back,” Evan told him earnestly. “It’s not as big a deal as you think it is and I don’t want to see you bail because of one little thing.”
“You’re both insane, you know that?” Rodney told them, not sure if he should be pissed or happy that they weren’t letting him get out easily. “If you’re not going to let me get out of this relationship simply because I want out –”
“You’re right, we’re being unfair,” Chuck told him sincerely. “And I apologize for my part in trying to make you stay against your will. I’m sorry for being selfish and not thinking about how hard this must be for you.”
“Thank you,” Rodney replied, Chuck’s sincerity going a long way to sooth his anger.
“I’m sorry too,” Evan replied. “We’ll back off and take your cue with this. And we’ll need to set up some ground rules, too.”
“That’s what I told Chuck earlier,” Rodney agreed. “I’d rather be safe than sorry for the time being – though, preferably for forever.”
“I’d rather not be the bad guy here, guys,” Chuck told them.
“Don’t worry – you’re not,” Evan told him. “Unless you want to be,” he added with a naughty grin and a wink.
“Let’s get going,” Rodney told them as he stood to take care of his tray. “Let’s go back to my place, since it’s closer. I want to get this done with sooner rather than later.”
The men made quick work of their trays and headed out. When they settled in Rodney’s room, Evan was sitting in the desk chair, Rodney was at the head of the bed with a pad of paper and a pen, and Chuck was sprawled over the rest of the bed.
“Okay,” Rodney said. “Number one. What are we going to do when one of us – mainly you, Evan – is off-world on a mission?”
“No sex,” Evan said emphatically. “Kissing, touching, anything like that – fine. No actual sex – oral included.”
“I figured that would be my line,” Rodney remarked as he wrote it down.
Evan shrugged. “What can I say? I’m a bit of a possessive bastard who likes to watch. But, you know, Rodney, I never figured you for a prude when it comes to sex. Not getting any, maybe, but not a prude.”
“I am not a prude!” Rodney snapped. “I simply have certain empirical evidence for not wanting to have sex.” In telling them about his time on Lapras, he had been vague about the details of Jaelyn’s death. He knew he had to tell them. “I wasn’t completely truthful about my relationship about Jaelyn. We had premarital sex and because of it, we were exiled for three months along with other punishments. She also died due to the pregnancy.” He winced before going for full admittance. “And Sheppard and I were sort of together before my time on Lapras.”
“Well, that explains a lot,” Chuck commented.
“After you went MIA, Sheppard started going a little crazy,” Evan explained. “He’s stayed functional, but he’s been considerably focused on finding you.”
“Yeah, I noticed he’s pretty intense every time I’m around,” Rodney agreed. “And I don’t think he’s completely gotten that I don’t want to get back together with him. I know he’s heard the words and intellectually understands them, but….” He shrugged.
“I’m sure he’ll come around,” Chuck told him, patting Rodney’s ankle. “I think he needs time to adjust and let go.”
“I certainly hope so,” Rodney replied. “Okay, let’s get back on track. First rule – no sex unless all three of us are together or the aliens make us do it.”
“We’ll need a bigger bed,” Chuck commented as he saved himself from falling off.
“I think we need to communicate. If something’s bothering us, we need to get it out in the open and not let it fester. And we need to make decisions together,” Evan said, ignoring Chuck, and Rodney wrote it down. “Otherwise, it needs to be a life-or-death decision.”
There was a long pause before Rodney said, “Okay, we’ve got that we can only have sex if all three of us are together and that we need to communicate and make decisions jointly. Anything else?”
Both men shrugged and Chuck said, “Some things you can’t plan ahead for. I think this might be one of them and we should be open to revisions if necessary.”
“I agree and think the biggest thing will be communication,” Evan replied. “It’s hard enough with two people, let alone three. Though, I’m sure the perk of having someone else who knows the third as intimately as you do is a plus.”
“Sounds like we’re well on our way to a blissful relationship,” Rodney replied.
Rodney took a long sip of his water. Setting the bottle down with a satisfied sigh, he wiped his face off with a towel. He had never felt this sore and weary in his life, but at the same time, his body felt satisfied. Maybe he needed to spar with Ronon more often. He turned to rest against the wall as he watched John and Darby head out onto the floor for some hand-to-hand practice. Ronon leaned next to him and Teyla joined them.
“Is it just me, or does Sheppard seem to have gone off the deep end where I’m concerned?” he asked them.
“I believe that is an apt description,” Teyla replied with a slight nod. “He did not take very well to you being left behind.”
“And now that I’m back, he probably doesn’t quite know what to do with me.” Rodney thumped his head against the wall, not wanting to admit to them what had happened between them the other night.
“You two were close before,” Ronon commented, as if that was the key.
“Yeah, but things were different then. I was different then.” Rodney let out a deep breath. “I think he expects me to be the same person and I can’t be that guy any more. I’ve moved on and it doesn’t look like he has.”
“His feelings for you are what have buoyed him after you were gone,” Teyla told Rodney. At his wide-eyed expression, she said, “No, he did not tell us of the exact nature of his relationship with you, nor did we ask. But sometimes it is plain to see how he feels for you. And there was a time when it was as equally evident with you.”
“What do you two think I should do?” Rodney asked. “He needs to let me go.”
“Have you told him that you no longer share his feelings?”
“Yes. But I don’t think he heard me.”
Teyla patted his arm. “Sometimes these things take time, Rodney. I’m sure he’ll come around in due time.”
“I certainly hope so,” Rodney muttered.
After they had finished, John caught up with Rodney in the hallway. “Hey. Feel up to doing something later?”
“Sure,” Rodney replied. “Are you doing okay, Sheppard?”
“Yeah, why?” John asked, furrowing his brow.
Rodney shrugged. “You’ve just seemed a little weird lately. You know, after our… thing.”
“It’s just been a little weird, you know? I spent three years hoping I could get you back. And now you’re here and you don’t want me any more.”
Looking up and down the deserted hallway, and then pulling John into a deserted lab, Rodney hissed, “You know why that is and yet you stay away most of the time. And when you are around me, you watch me like a hawk. I can’t take this whole hot/cold thing with you. What’s going on, Sheppard?”
“I’ve missed you so much,” John admitted, a note of sadness in his voice. “And I don’t know what to do to stop it or fix it or –” He waved his hand fruitlessly.
“You’ve got to let me go, Sheppard,” Rodney told him. “What we had was great and if things were different, I would gladly go out with you again. But that’s not the way things are supposed to go for us. You need to get that through your thick skull.”
“How are you so sure that we’re over?” John asked him.
Rodney knew he really needed to put the kibosh on this before things got even crazier than they already were. “Look, Sheppard, I do like you – but only as a friend. Don’t get me wrong – I’m grateful for what we had and that you kept looking for me when I was gone, but now that I’m safely back in Atlantis, you need to move on. Your mission regarding bringing me home is complete. And our romantic relationship is over.”
Rodney hoped John got the message because he didn’t think he could take much more of this. He understood the whole ‘carrying a torch for someone’ thing and how hard it could be to let go – his crush on Sam Carter was a testament to that. And he was hoping he could let John down easily without bringing Chuck and Evan into it.
“Rodney,” John gave him the kicked-puppy look that used to work like a charm, “are you *sure* we can’t give it one more try *just* to make sure?” Damn, the man was persistent.
Rodney’s last straw snapped. “Okay, you know what? No. I take it back,” Rodney replied, pinching the bridge of his nose. “If you can’t let it go, even for one second, I can’t be friends with you.”
John blinked at him. “I don’t understand.”
Rodney threw his hands up in exasperation. “Of course you don’t! Time stopped for you when I got stuck on Lapras and now you’re expecting it to start again as if the past four cycles had never happened! I have a news flash for you! Time kept going for the rest of us! I’m not the person I was then and I don’t want to be! You –”
“Whoa there, buddy,” John interrupted, holding his hands up placatingly. “You’re starting to sound like Dr. Zelenka.”
Rodney huffed, most of the wind having gone out of his sails. “Yes, well. I can see the allure of using his native language from time to time. Look, I meant what I said – if you can’t let go of the past, I can’t be friends with you. Let Heightmeyer work her voodoo on you. She was doing a great job with me when I was seeing her before.” He pushed past a gaping John, hoping he had done the right thing.
After changing into his Lantean clothes, Rodney headed to the labs, glad for the diversion his current project would afford him. He was successful in putting all thoughts of John out of his mind for the next two hours.
He sighed when it came crashing back in while he waited for a simulation to run. He didn’t feel bad about what he had said to John – he knew that it was necessary for both of them to be completely clear with John about where he stood. And it hurt to see John in his current state. Rodney had always thought of him as a rock – unruffled by most anything, and least of all love.
And the fact that he, of all people, had been the one to undo the Colonel had to be the best cosmic joke of all time. It should have been a cruel twist with one of the space bimbos that was always throwing herself at him. That was how it should have played out – not with him, a middle-aged, grumpy astrophysicist with bad social skills, hypoglycemia, and a bad case of hypochondria, playing the part of the man-eater. But just the idea made him laugh – the sound of it bubbling out of him, until he covered his face with his hands and just shook with mirth. When he finished, he caught a few of the other scientists staring at him, but a glare sent them back to work.
He continued to laugh silently. It would figure – it would only happen to him and only in the Pegasus Galaxy would he fall in love with ‘the cool guy’, get left on a planet for four cycles, get rescued, and then fall in love with two *other* men – both of whom were gorgeous, intelligent, funny, *perfect* for him – while ‘the cool guy’ actually pined after him.
His thoughts turned to Chuck and Evan. He had been relieved to find that he hadn’t completely screwed things up and that they still wanted him. He could only attribute their calm in the face of all of this to the fact that they had had more time to get a grip on the whole threesome-triad-thing and that they hadn’t spent time on Lapras. He just wished he could be so completely certain of everything, as they were.
At this point, there was very little he was certain of. Aside from his love of science, desire for discovery and his slowly moving relationship with Chuck and Evan, there was really nothing here that he wanted to stay for. Not even his old teammates.
It had become absurdly apparent since his return how much he had changed during his time on Lapras. He didn’t have the clean slate here that he’d had on Lapras and he no longer cared for, or fit, the reputation he had originally cultivated. He had alienated a lot of people then and many of them were still wary of him. While he had been working on repairing those relationships, he knew that it was too late to become close friends with any of them. And, in general, the society was too different. He couldn’t talk to people in the same way that he could on Lapras. There had been a surprising openness there that had been developed by necessity. Here, they hardly talked, or touched – so it wasn’t like the pendulum had just swung the other way – and everyone was so closed off it hurt.
And the fact that no one seemed to be overtly interested in Lapras hurt. Intellectually, he knew that many of the anthropologists were in the middle of studying other cultures – even Dr. Tamoura – and that one day one of them would be able to get around to studying the Laprans, but he wanted to be able to share, to have someone understand. He knew that Chuck and Evan were curious, but more so because of the person he had become on Lapras, rather than about the culture in and of itself.
He had also been surprised at how much he missed his Lapran family. He used to be able to leave people without a second thought or lingering feelings, but now he thought of them frequently and missed them fiercely. He was going to have to talk to Elizabeth about going back to visit, regardless of the outcome, because he knew he wouldn’t be able to stand being apart from them forever. But her cool distance had surprised him and he couldn’t help but wonder if it was a byproduct of the past four cycles. He needed to make sure they were okay, regardless of their ability to keep going in the face of losing people suddenly. And he wanted to show them that he was doing okay and settling in fairly well to his old home. He smiled faintly and thought that he’d have to take Chuck and Evan with him to ‘meet the family’ as it were.
Maybe he could disguise the trip back to Lapras as a means for trade. He knew that while John, Teyla, and Ronon had sat down with most, if not all, of the other tribes, they hadn’t done so with the Laprans. True, there wasn’t much that Lapras could offer in the way of physical trading besides sand and silk, but he knew that a few of Atlantis’ trading partners would be interested in those things, and even if both sides just acted as intermediaries for other groups could possibly prove advantageous in a number of ways in the long run.
Seeing his simulation still had a while to run, Rodney pulled out some paper and a pen and started drafting a trade proposal for Elizabeth. He’d never done it before, having left this sort of thing more to Teyla and Elizabeth. He had always preferred the more direct, “There some interesting energy readings on Planet X. We should check it out – it could be a ZPM!” But he knew that if this had any chance for success, he would need to do it properly. By the time the simulation was done, Rodney was feeling pretty proud of his proposal and he typed it up and emailed it to Elizabeth.
“Feeling up to some food?” an accented voice asked as Rodney pulled up the simulation’s data to start correlating it with the rest of his data.
At the word ‘food’, Rodney’s stomach growled and he looked up at Carson. “Yeah, that might be a good idea,” he admitted as he looked at his watch and saw that it was definitely dinnertime and that he hadn’t eaten lunch – though he had a vague memory of eating a Power Bar while working on one of the many revisions to his proposal. His brow furrowed as he stood and turned off his laptop – his work could wait until the next day. “I think you should check me out again,” he told Carson.
“Oh?” Carson asked as they started to leave. “What’s been happening now? Are you sprouting wings? Do you feel like you’re turning into something else?”
“That’s not funny,” Rodney told him, his tone slightly insulted. “I had valid concerns for those claims. No, this time I think my hypoglycemia is acting weird.” At Carson’s raised eyebrow, he continued, “I had breakfast this morning, then sparred with both Teyla *and* Ronon, had some fruit afterwards, came here and got caught up in my work, forgot lunch and had a Power Bar at some point this afternoon and I feel fine. Well, normally hungry, but not – you know.”
“That is interesting, but not anything I’d be overly concerned about on any one day,” Carson told him. “I’m actually thrilled that you’re finally taking an active role in monitoring your health. How has your eating been generally?”
“Since I got back?” Rodney shrugged. “Good, I guess – better than it was before I left, at any rate. I haven’t had any coffee since I got back. Well, I tried once, but it tasted horrible and I felt a little shaky afterwards, so I haven’t tried any again since. Less candy – again, I tried some, but it didn’t taste quite right, so I haven’t gone back to it. Better balance at meals and I’ve been eating and sleeping more regularly, as well as exercising more.” He sighed. “I’ve become a poster child for good health, haven’t I?”
“You could say that,” Carson replied, amused. “I wouldn’t suggest throwing away your epi-pens or glycogen tablets just yet, but it does seem like you’re making progress. If you want to be completely sure, I wouldn’t mind taking a blood sample to check your blood sugar. It might be a good idea to do it anyway, now that you’ve been back in Atlantis for over a month. It’ll give us a good baseline for the future.”
“And you’re doing okay?” Rodney asked him.
“I believe so. Every day that I wake up is a good one, so don’t start with me. I get enough of it from everyone else. Including John.”
“I’m sorry about that,” Rodney told him seriously. “I think I broke him when I got left on Lapras.”
“And don’t start that either. We both know your time there wasn’t intentional and you didn’t know how he’d react to your absence. He confided to me about your relationship,” he admitted.
“Yeah, who would’ve figured I’d be the one to make him go psycho?” Rodney replied with a laugh and Carson smiled. “I wish he’d let it go – let me go. Seeing him like this is kind of scary.”
“I can agree with that,” Carson told him. “I would have thought he’d snap out of it once you were back and he could see you were safe and sound, but –”
“Yeah, I think that’s my fault too,” Rodney said sheepishly. “I told him I didn’t want to get back together with him.”
“Again – not your fault. Maybe now he’ll actually be able to start making some headway with Kate.”
“He’s been seeing Heightmeyer?” Rodney asked, surprised.
Carson nodded. “Once a week for quite some time now. Elizabeth’s been making him. He’s been holding out as much as he can from letting you go, and Kate’s been at a bit of a loss with what to do for him because it’s one of those odd cases where technically he’s fine – even though you can tell that he’s not quite right in the head.”
“Maybe I should talk to her,” Rodney mused. “I know it’s touchy with the whole patient confidentiality thing, but….”
“I agree, but it could be worth a shot,” Carson replied as they made a sudden detour. “We all want him to be better. Where are we going?”
“To see Heightmeyer. I have a feeling John didn’t tell her about our ‘little altercation’ the other day and he’s not going to tell her about the one we had today.”
Rodney felt better when they left Heightmeyer’s office. He had told her about his relationship with John and what had been happening since his return. She had thanked him and told him she’d take it under advisement for John’s next appointment.
“You have feelings for him, don’t you?” Rodney quietly blurted out as they sat down in the mess hall.
Carson gaped at him. “Is it that obvious?”
“Not really, but when you’ve gotten good at having to listen and observe every little thing, some things become easier to see. If we can ever get him over me and back on an even keel, I’ll gladly help you out.”
Carson scoffed, “I doubt that’s ever going to happen. He’s never looked twice at me – not even back before he met you.”
“We are talking about John here,” Rodney replied. “I think it’s safe to say that when it comes to relationships, he’s a tad obtuse. We’ll figure something out.” As if that was the final word, Rodney tucked into his food and Carson sighed before following suit.
Rodney sighed as he bussed his tray, followed by Chuck and Evan. Before he and Carson had eaten half of their meal, Chuck, Evan, and his old teammates had joined them. He enjoyed the camaraderie, and John even seemed a tiny bit more like his old self. But he knew when Chuck and Evan sat down that he was going to have to talk to them afterwards.
“So, where do you want to go?” Chuck asked.
“Let’s go back to my place,” Rodney replied, wanting to be on familiar ground. He needed for them to know what he was going through before everything went into meltdown and he couldn’t let them down like he had everyone else. “I need to talk to you two.”
They followed him quietly back to his place and as they walked, Rodney forced himself to take deep breaths and stay calm. He hated the whole ‘bearing his soul’ aspect of relationships – which was probably why all of his other relationships had crashed and burned. But he knew from experience gained on Lapras that he needed to do it if he wanted this relationship to at the very least survive, let alone thrive. And he did want it to thrive – partly due to his budding feelings for the men with him and partly because he was genuinely curious how this would work, and if they could make it work – if *he* could make it work.
Once inside his quarters, Evan and Chuck made themselves comfortable and Rodney began pacing, his nervousness having skyrocketed when he crossed the threshold. “I know I’m sounding like a broken record,” he finally said, “but I don’t know if I can do this. And I mean this in general,” he waved his hands expansively, “not just this,” he motioned in between the three of them. “I don’t think I belong here any longer. I don’t *feel* like I belong here any longer. If I’m honest with myself, I’ve been muddling through since I returned and it wasn’t like I expected. I expected things to just work again – maybe better in some cases, since I’ve changed but, honestly, they haven’t. Things are probably worse off. I put in a proposal today to Elizabeth to see about opening trade relations with the Laprans, since I know John, Teyla, and Ronon didn’t get to them when they were there. If she doesn’t approve it, I’ll probably look into going back to Earth. I’d rather go back to Lapras, but I doubt that’s going to happen. If I’m back on Earth, maybe I’ll be able to put all of this behind me and, well, I won’t be happy about it, but maybe it won’t hurt so much. I’m sure I’ll be able to work either at Area 51 or at the SGC. Or I could get out completely and maybe go to a private company or I could teach – I’ve had offers from a number of different universities; I’m sure that one of them would still be willing to take me. And maybe if I’m teaching, there could be hope for a few of the next generation of scientists.”
When he paused to take a breath, Evan stood and closed the distance between them. Taking Rodney’s face in his hands, he said, “Did you think this much on Lapras?”
Rodney blinked at him for a moment before asking, “What?”
“Did you second-guess and over-analyze yourself this much on Lapras?”
“No,” Rodney replied, looking at him slightly taken aback.
“And you’re the same person now that you were on Lapras?” His thumbs began gently stroking Rodney’s cheeks, grounding him.
“Yes,” Rodney said hesitantly, not sure where Evan was going with this.
“I think you should do here what you did there. Stop trying so hard and over-analyzing everything.”
“But things are different here,” Rodney told him, a slightly plaintive note in his voice.
“Yes, they would be – what with two totally different cultures and all,” Chuck replied as he joined them, wrapping one arm around Evan’s waist. “And?”
“And what?” Rodney replied with a huff.
Chuck rolled his eyes as he put his hand on the back of Rodney’s neck and began gently rubbing it. “Can you change that?”
“No,” Rodney replied, completely at a loss for where this was going and what they expected out of him. Oddly enough, he felt the same way he did the first few times Kirby led him through his meditation sessions and that realization comforted him. He took a deep breath. “So you two really think that if I just let go and not try to make everything work, things will miraculously get better?”
“Maybe not better, but definitely easier,” Evan replied with a small smile. “You know you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole, so quit beating yourself up while you’re trying to do it. You didn’t fit before and you’re not going to fit now.” Changing tacks, he asked, “What are you sure of?”
“Um,” Rodney opened and closed his mouth a few times. “I’m sure of where I sleep, of the food that I eat, that I’m a very useful member of the expedition, considering how many times I’ve pulled miracles out of my ass.” He gaped a few more times, thinking.
Evan looked him directly in the eye and asked, “Are you sure of us?”
Looking back and forth between the two of them, uncertainty in his eyes, Rodney replied, “I don’t know.”
“We’re sure of you,” Chuck told him.
“Really? Why?” Rodney blurted out. “I’m not exactly certainty material, if you know what I mean. My relationships tend to crash and burn – sometimes quite spectacularly.”
Evan gently kissed Rodney chastely on the lips, effectively stopping his babble. “Because we’ve seen you when you’re in your Lapran mode, or whatever you want to call it, and we’ve seen you when you’re over-thinking everything.”
“That’s a dumb reason,” Rodney told him, eyes narrowing. “Maybe even borderline idiotic.”
Chuck picked up Evan’s line of thought, “And we’ve seen how you’ve survived and thrived in a completely alien culture. If that’s not how we know that you’re one special guy, I don’t know what would be.”
“You’re both morons,” Rodney told them, stepping out of their embrace and wrapping his arms around himself.
“What can we do to prove to you that we think you’re worth it?” Chuck asked him.
“I don’t know,” Rodney replied, looking at the floor instead of either of them. He sighed. “I wish I knew.” He waved a hand at his head as he said, “I’m beginning to think my wiring’s faulty.”
“Maybe we can fix it,” Evan told him seriously.
“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me,” Rodney scoffed, finally looking up at them. “That’s the lamest line I’ve ever heard.”
“What about maybe we’re supposed to fix it?” Chuck replied.
“I think that might be worse,” Rodney conceded, “but not by much.”
He appreciated the effort they were putting into this, into the three of them, he really did. But he couldn’t help but wonder if it was worth it.
“You’re over-thinking again,” Evan commented quietly, snapping Rodney out of his reverie. When had he gotten so close? He put his hands on Rodney’s elbows, gently supporting him and Rodney’s memory pulled out a similar scenario from not long before. Chuck’s hands came from behind to rest on Rodney’s hips, holding, but not confining, him and Rodney could ever so slightly feel his solidity against his back. “Let us help you. Let us prove to you what you mean to us.”
“And how are you going to do that?” Rodney asked, uncertainty evident in his voice.
“Don’t worry, we’ll think of something,” Chuck replied in his ear and Rodney couldn’t stop the thrill that went through him at the feel of Chuck’s warm breath on his skin and the sound of his voice.
Rodney closed his eyes and took a deep, slow breath. He wanted to believe them. He wanted to believe that they were right and that they could make this work. He wanted to believe that he really didn’t have to think so much, that things really could be as easy as they had been on Lapras.
Continute in Part 26
The complete header can be found in part 1.
Previous parts can be found here.
The next day, Rodney was guiltily thankful that Evan’s team was sent off-world for a few days to deal with a dispute between another team and the natives. From there, it was easy enough for him to avoid Chuck. He wasn’t sure how to deal wit them or how to fix what he had done.
His escape was his work in the labs. The projects he was working on helped him lose himself a few hours in something definite and concrete, and he was able to keep to himself and not be bothered by anyone. Since he had started back in the labs, he realized that the one habit he hadn’t been able to shake during his four cycles away was keeping an eye on the rest of the lab. It wasn’t nearly as interesting now with the Wraith mostly gone and the scientists better able to adapt to their new environment. But there was still alien technology that couldn’t be trifled with and Rodney wanted to keep everyone as safe as possible.
The downside to this was that the original expedition members knew – or at least assumed – that he was watching them and some would look to him before carrying out Radek’s orders. Getting fed up with it, Rodney sent out a polite, if scathing email to the scientists telling them that even though he was back, Radek was going to stay the Head of the Science Department, so they needed to get over it and start listening to him again. And if they didn’t, he still had the authority, and know-how, to freeze their showers for a week.
But what he hated even more were the newer members who didn’t seem to respect the proper order of things and didn’t listen to him when he told them to not do something. But they finally started to listen after a few singed fingers, a broken pair of glasses, and another scathing email telling them they were all morons and that they should be thankful that what had happened with Carson had been the worst of it – so far. After that, he sent Radek a scathing email dressing him down for not putting the fear of God into the new members over the Ancient technology. Radek, true to form, ignored him.
After two days of this, Rodney went back to his quarters, feeling surprisingly light and happy. Chuck was waiting for him outside of his door, his arms crossed.
“You’ve been ignoring me,” Chuck stated as Rodney swiped his hand over the lock.
“Yes, I have,” Rodney agreed as he went inside.
“Why?” Chuck asked as he lingered in the doorway. “Is it because Evan’s not here?”
“If we’re going to have a deep discussion, you better come in. I don’t think either of us wants just anyone to hear what we have to say.” Once the door had shut behind Chuck, Rodney continued, “And, no, I haven’t been ignoring you because Evan isn’t here. I’ve been ignoring you because I royally screwed things up the other night and I didn’t know how to handle it afterwards.”
Chuck snorted. “I’d hardly call getting off on just being touched screwing things up royally. Slightly unorthodox maybe and definitely unexpected. Would it help if I told you that it wasn’t our intention to get you off? Or that we’re not upset by it?”
Rodney shrugged. “I appreciate it, but not a whole lot, no.” He puffed out his cheeks and then let the breath out slowly. “I just – I’m horrible at this sort of thing – relationships in general, I mean – and I’d rather bow out and see the two of you happy than pull this relationship, or whatever it is, through the mud and make a huge disaster out of it.”
“And what about us, hmm?” Chuck asked, advancing on Rodney. “I know Evan and I both agreed to back off if you decided you didn’t want to be with us, but you’re going to back off because of one little bump in the road? The Rodney McKay I know wouldn’t do that.”
“I’m not the man I was before I left.”
“I’m talking about the one who came back. I know you’re scared about doing this. But so are Evan and I. Neither of us has ever been in a threesome relationship before.”
“I think we should wait until Evan’s back to have this discussion,” Rodney said feebly as Chuck entered his personal space.
“Fair enough,” Chuck replied, “but you should know: neither of us is planning on running just because something feels a little out of our depth, and we hope you won’t either. At least not yet.”
Rodney sighed. “Okay. But you’ll both have to do a better job of convincing me.”
“Will this help?”
Chuck put his hands on Rodney’s hips and kissed him. Once Rodney got over his initial shock, he relaxed into Chuck’s embrace and kissed him back, his hands coming up to lightly grip Chuck’s upper arms. He tentatively ran his tongue along Chuck’s bottom lip and Chuck yielded to him. Rodney’s tongue dipped in, tasting Chuck and he groaned softly.
Chuck finally broke the kiss and pressed his forehead against Rodney’s. He opened his mouth to say something and hesitated, his hand going to his ear. “Yeah, Evan, he’s with me.” He paused. “Okay, I’ll tell him. We’ll be there as soon as we can.” Stepping out of Rodney’s embrace, Chuck said, “Evan wants me to yell at you for not wearing your earpiece. And he wants to meet us for dinner.”
Rodney sighed, letting go of his desire to get a shower before dinner. “Okay. Let me at least get changed first.” He gathered a Lapran outfit and headed into the bathroom, calling over his shoulder, “I think the three of us are going to have to set some ground rules for our relationship.”
“Like what?” Chuck asked, following him and standing outside the door.
“Like what happens when one of us goes off-world. Obviously, that’ll be Evan more often than you or I, but there’s still a possibility that one of us would need to do so.” Rodney exited the bathroom. “I just want us to know where we’re all coming from and what we’re expecting and all of that.”
“Okay, sounds reasonable,” Chuck replied as he followed Rodney out of the room and down to the mess hall.
Evan stood when they both approached his table with their trays. He gave them a warm smile and Rodney could tell he wanted to hug them, or kiss them, or something, but didn’t feel like he could. When they all sat down, Evan asked, “How have you two been?”
“Good,” Chuck replied.
“Fine,” Rodney replied. “I had to remind the science department who was in charge and of the idea of safety in regards to alien technology. It was long over-due, if you ask me.”
“How was the mission?” Chuck asked between bites.
Evan shrugged. “The dispute was more of a misunderstanding than anything else, so it was easy to get settled. But I would have rather listened to Rodney chew out his scientists than the talks I had to sit through. These people make Rodney’s rants seem like a quick chat.”
“Wow, that makes me feel almost loved,” Rodney replied dryly. “Seriously, though, you should have been on PX9-254. A short talk was three hours.” He paused for a moment before saying quietly, “We need to talk after dinner.”
“If you’re going to say that you want out because of what happened the other night, I will kick your ass from here to the Midway Station and back,” Evan told him earnestly. “It’s not as big a deal as you think it is and I don’t want to see you bail because of one little thing.”
“You’re both insane, you know that?” Rodney told them, not sure if he should be pissed or happy that they weren’t letting him get out easily. “If you’re not going to let me get out of this relationship simply because I want out –”
“You’re right, we’re being unfair,” Chuck told him sincerely. “And I apologize for my part in trying to make you stay against your will. I’m sorry for being selfish and not thinking about how hard this must be for you.”
“Thank you,” Rodney replied, Chuck’s sincerity going a long way to sooth his anger.
“I’m sorry too,” Evan replied. “We’ll back off and take your cue with this. And we’ll need to set up some ground rules, too.”
“That’s what I told Chuck earlier,” Rodney agreed. “I’d rather be safe than sorry for the time being – though, preferably for forever.”
“I’d rather not be the bad guy here, guys,” Chuck told them.
“Don’t worry – you’re not,” Evan told him. “Unless you want to be,” he added with a naughty grin and a wink.
“Let’s get going,” Rodney told them as he stood to take care of his tray. “Let’s go back to my place, since it’s closer. I want to get this done with sooner rather than later.”
The men made quick work of their trays and headed out. When they settled in Rodney’s room, Evan was sitting in the desk chair, Rodney was at the head of the bed with a pad of paper and a pen, and Chuck was sprawled over the rest of the bed.
“Okay,” Rodney said. “Number one. What are we going to do when one of us – mainly you, Evan – is off-world on a mission?”
“No sex,” Evan said emphatically. “Kissing, touching, anything like that – fine. No actual sex – oral included.”
“I figured that would be my line,” Rodney remarked as he wrote it down.
Evan shrugged. “What can I say? I’m a bit of a possessive bastard who likes to watch. But, you know, Rodney, I never figured you for a prude when it comes to sex. Not getting any, maybe, but not a prude.”
“I am not a prude!” Rodney snapped. “I simply have certain empirical evidence for not wanting to have sex.” In telling them about his time on Lapras, he had been vague about the details of Jaelyn’s death. He knew he had to tell them. “I wasn’t completely truthful about my relationship about Jaelyn. We had premarital sex and because of it, we were exiled for three months along with other punishments. She also died due to the pregnancy.” He winced before going for full admittance. “And Sheppard and I were sort of together before my time on Lapras.”
“Well, that explains a lot,” Chuck commented.
“After you went MIA, Sheppard started going a little crazy,” Evan explained. “He’s stayed functional, but he’s been considerably focused on finding you.”
“Yeah, I noticed he’s pretty intense every time I’m around,” Rodney agreed. “And I don’t think he’s completely gotten that I don’t want to get back together with him. I know he’s heard the words and intellectually understands them, but….” He shrugged.
“I’m sure he’ll come around,” Chuck told him, patting Rodney’s ankle. “I think he needs time to adjust and let go.”
“I certainly hope so,” Rodney replied. “Okay, let’s get back on track. First rule – no sex unless all three of us are together or the aliens make us do it.”
“We’ll need a bigger bed,” Chuck commented as he saved himself from falling off.
“I think we need to communicate. If something’s bothering us, we need to get it out in the open and not let it fester. And we need to make decisions together,” Evan said, ignoring Chuck, and Rodney wrote it down. “Otherwise, it needs to be a life-or-death decision.”
There was a long pause before Rodney said, “Okay, we’ve got that we can only have sex if all three of us are together and that we need to communicate and make decisions jointly. Anything else?”
Both men shrugged and Chuck said, “Some things you can’t plan ahead for. I think this might be one of them and we should be open to revisions if necessary.”
“I agree and think the biggest thing will be communication,” Evan replied. “It’s hard enough with two people, let alone three. Though, I’m sure the perk of having someone else who knows the third as intimately as you do is a plus.”
“Sounds like we’re well on our way to a blissful relationship,” Rodney replied.
Rodney took a long sip of his water. Setting the bottle down with a satisfied sigh, he wiped his face off with a towel. He had never felt this sore and weary in his life, but at the same time, his body felt satisfied. Maybe he needed to spar with Ronon more often. He turned to rest against the wall as he watched John and Darby head out onto the floor for some hand-to-hand practice. Ronon leaned next to him and Teyla joined them.
“Is it just me, or does Sheppard seem to have gone off the deep end where I’m concerned?” he asked them.
“I believe that is an apt description,” Teyla replied with a slight nod. “He did not take very well to you being left behind.”
“And now that I’m back, he probably doesn’t quite know what to do with me.” Rodney thumped his head against the wall, not wanting to admit to them what had happened between them the other night.
“You two were close before,” Ronon commented, as if that was the key.
“Yeah, but things were different then. I was different then.” Rodney let out a deep breath. “I think he expects me to be the same person and I can’t be that guy any more. I’ve moved on and it doesn’t look like he has.”
“His feelings for you are what have buoyed him after you were gone,” Teyla told Rodney. At his wide-eyed expression, she said, “No, he did not tell us of the exact nature of his relationship with you, nor did we ask. But sometimes it is plain to see how he feels for you. And there was a time when it was as equally evident with you.”
“What do you two think I should do?” Rodney asked. “He needs to let me go.”
“Have you told him that you no longer share his feelings?”
“Yes. But I don’t think he heard me.”
Teyla patted his arm. “Sometimes these things take time, Rodney. I’m sure he’ll come around in due time.”
“I certainly hope so,” Rodney muttered.
After they had finished, John caught up with Rodney in the hallway. “Hey. Feel up to doing something later?”
“Sure,” Rodney replied. “Are you doing okay, Sheppard?”
“Yeah, why?” John asked, furrowing his brow.
Rodney shrugged. “You’ve just seemed a little weird lately. You know, after our… thing.”
“It’s just been a little weird, you know? I spent three years hoping I could get you back. And now you’re here and you don’t want me any more.”
Looking up and down the deserted hallway, and then pulling John into a deserted lab, Rodney hissed, “You know why that is and yet you stay away most of the time. And when you are around me, you watch me like a hawk. I can’t take this whole hot/cold thing with you. What’s going on, Sheppard?”
“I’ve missed you so much,” John admitted, a note of sadness in his voice. “And I don’t know what to do to stop it or fix it or –” He waved his hand fruitlessly.
“You’ve got to let me go, Sheppard,” Rodney told him. “What we had was great and if things were different, I would gladly go out with you again. But that’s not the way things are supposed to go for us. You need to get that through your thick skull.”
“How are you so sure that we’re over?” John asked him.
Rodney knew he really needed to put the kibosh on this before things got even crazier than they already were. “Look, Sheppard, I do like you – but only as a friend. Don’t get me wrong – I’m grateful for what we had and that you kept looking for me when I was gone, but now that I’m safely back in Atlantis, you need to move on. Your mission regarding bringing me home is complete. And our romantic relationship is over.”
Rodney hoped John got the message because he didn’t think he could take much more of this. He understood the whole ‘carrying a torch for someone’ thing and how hard it could be to let go – his crush on Sam Carter was a testament to that. And he was hoping he could let John down easily without bringing Chuck and Evan into it.
“Rodney,” John gave him the kicked-puppy look that used to work like a charm, “are you *sure* we can’t give it one more try *just* to make sure?” Damn, the man was persistent.
Rodney’s last straw snapped. “Okay, you know what? No. I take it back,” Rodney replied, pinching the bridge of his nose. “If you can’t let it go, even for one second, I can’t be friends with you.”
John blinked at him. “I don’t understand.”
Rodney threw his hands up in exasperation. “Of course you don’t! Time stopped for you when I got stuck on Lapras and now you’re expecting it to start again as if the past four cycles had never happened! I have a news flash for you! Time kept going for the rest of us! I’m not the person I was then and I don’t want to be! You –”
“Whoa there, buddy,” John interrupted, holding his hands up placatingly. “You’re starting to sound like Dr. Zelenka.”
Rodney huffed, most of the wind having gone out of his sails. “Yes, well. I can see the allure of using his native language from time to time. Look, I meant what I said – if you can’t let go of the past, I can’t be friends with you. Let Heightmeyer work her voodoo on you. She was doing a great job with me when I was seeing her before.” He pushed past a gaping John, hoping he had done the right thing.
After changing into his Lantean clothes, Rodney headed to the labs, glad for the diversion his current project would afford him. He was successful in putting all thoughts of John out of his mind for the next two hours.
He sighed when it came crashing back in while he waited for a simulation to run. He didn’t feel bad about what he had said to John – he knew that it was necessary for both of them to be completely clear with John about where he stood. And it hurt to see John in his current state. Rodney had always thought of him as a rock – unruffled by most anything, and least of all love.
And the fact that he, of all people, had been the one to undo the Colonel had to be the best cosmic joke of all time. It should have been a cruel twist with one of the space bimbos that was always throwing herself at him. That was how it should have played out – not with him, a middle-aged, grumpy astrophysicist with bad social skills, hypoglycemia, and a bad case of hypochondria, playing the part of the man-eater. But just the idea made him laugh – the sound of it bubbling out of him, until he covered his face with his hands and just shook with mirth. When he finished, he caught a few of the other scientists staring at him, but a glare sent them back to work.
He continued to laugh silently. It would figure – it would only happen to him and only in the Pegasus Galaxy would he fall in love with ‘the cool guy’, get left on a planet for four cycles, get rescued, and then fall in love with two *other* men – both of whom were gorgeous, intelligent, funny, *perfect* for him – while ‘the cool guy’ actually pined after him.
His thoughts turned to Chuck and Evan. He had been relieved to find that he hadn’t completely screwed things up and that they still wanted him. He could only attribute their calm in the face of all of this to the fact that they had had more time to get a grip on the whole threesome-triad-thing and that they hadn’t spent time on Lapras. He just wished he could be so completely certain of everything, as they were.
At this point, there was very little he was certain of. Aside from his love of science, desire for discovery and his slowly moving relationship with Chuck and Evan, there was really nothing here that he wanted to stay for. Not even his old teammates.
It had become absurdly apparent since his return how much he had changed during his time on Lapras. He didn’t have the clean slate here that he’d had on Lapras and he no longer cared for, or fit, the reputation he had originally cultivated. He had alienated a lot of people then and many of them were still wary of him. While he had been working on repairing those relationships, he knew that it was too late to become close friends with any of them. And, in general, the society was too different. He couldn’t talk to people in the same way that he could on Lapras. There had been a surprising openness there that had been developed by necessity. Here, they hardly talked, or touched – so it wasn’t like the pendulum had just swung the other way – and everyone was so closed off it hurt.
And the fact that no one seemed to be overtly interested in Lapras hurt. Intellectually, he knew that many of the anthropologists were in the middle of studying other cultures – even Dr. Tamoura – and that one day one of them would be able to get around to studying the Laprans, but he wanted to be able to share, to have someone understand. He knew that Chuck and Evan were curious, but more so because of the person he had become on Lapras, rather than about the culture in and of itself.
He had also been surprised at how much he missed his Lapran family. He used to be able to leave people without a second thought or lingering feelings, but now he thought of them frequently and missed them fiercely. He was going to have to talk to Elizabeth about going back to visit, regardless of the outcome, because he knew he wouldn’t be able to stand being apart from them forever. But her cool distance had surprised him and he couldn’t help but wonder if it was a byproduct of the past four cycles. He needed to make sure they were okay, regardless of their ability to keep going in the face of losing people suddenly. And he wanted to show them that he was doing okay and settling in fairly well to his old home. He smiled faintly and thought that he’d have to take Chuck and Evan with him to ‘meet the family’ as it were.
Maybe he could disguise the trip back to Lapras as a means for trade. He knew that while John, Teyla, and Ronon had sat down with most, if not all, of the other tribes, they hadn’t done so with the Laprans. True, there wasn’t much that Lapras could offer in the way of physical trading besides sand and silk, but he knew that a few of Atlantis’ trading partners would be interested in those things, and even if both sides just acted as intermediaries for other groups could possibly prove advantageous in a number of ways in the long run.
Seeing his simulation still had a while to run, Rodney pulled out some paper and a pen and started drafting a trade proposal for Elizabeth. He’d never done it before, having left this sort of thing more to Teyla and Elizabeth. He had always preferred the more direct, “There some interesting energy readings on Planet X. We should check it out – it could be a ZPM!” But he knew that if this had any chance for success, he would need to do it properly. By the time the simulation was done, Rodney was feeling pretty proud of his proposal and he typed it up and emailed it to Elizabeth.
“Feeling up to some food?” an accented voice asked as Rodney pulled up the simulation’s data to start correlating it with the rest of his data.
At the word ‘food’, Rodney’s stomach growled and he looked up at Carson. “Yeah, that might be a good idea,” he admitted as he looked at his watch and saw that it was definitely dinnertime and that he hadn’t eaten lunch – though he had a vague memory of eating a Power Bar while working on one of the many revisions to his proposal. His brow furrowed as he stood and turned off his laptop – his work could wait until the next day. “I think you should check me out again,” he told Carson.
“Oh?” Carson asked as they started to leave. “What’s been happening now? Are you sprouting wings? Do you feel like you’re turning into something else?”
“That’s not funny,” Rodney told him, his tone slightly insulted. “I had valid concerns for those claims. No, this time I think my hypoglycemia is acting weird.” At Carson’s raised eyebrow, he continued, “I had breakfast this morning, then sparred with both Teyla *and* Ronon, had some fruit afterwards, came here and got caught up in my work, forgot lunch and had a Power Bar at some point this afternoon and I feel fine. Well, normally hungry, but not – you know.”
“That is interesting, but not anything I’d be overly concerned about on any one day,” Carson told him. “I’m actually thrilled that you’re finally taking an active role in monitoring your health. How has your eating been generally?”
“Since I got back?” Rodney shrugged. “Good, I guess – better than it was before I left, at any rate. I haven’t had any coffee since I got back. Well, I tried once, but it tasted horrible and I felt a little shaky afterwards, so I haven’t tried any again since. Less candy – again, I tried some, but it didn’t taste quite right, so I haven’t gone back to it. Better balance at meals and I’ve been eating and sleeping more regularly, as well as exercising more.” He sighed. “I’ve become a poster child for good health, haven’t I?”
“You could say that,” Carson replied, amused. “I wouldn’t suggest throwing away your epi-pens or glycogen tablets just yet, but it does seem like you’re making progress. If you want to be completely sure, I wouldn’t mind taking a blood sample to check your blood sugar. It might be a good idea to do it anyway, now that you’ve been back in Atlantis for over a month. It’ll give us a good baseline for the future.”
“And you’re doing okay?” Rodney asked him.
“I believe so. Every day that I wake up is a good one, so don’t start with me. I get enough of it from everyone else. Including John.”
“I’m sorry about that,” Rodney told him seriously. “I think I broke him when I got left on Lapras.”
“And don’t start that either. We both know your time there wasn’t intentional and you didn’t know how he’d react to your absence. He confided to me about your relationship,” he admitted.
“Yeah, who would’ve figured I’d be the one to make him go psycho?” Rodney replied with a laugh and Carson smiled. “I wish he’d let it go – let me go. Seeing him like this is kind of scary.”
“I can agree with that,” Carson told him. “I would have thought he’d snap out of it once you were back and he could see you were safe and sound, but –”
“Yeah, I think that’s my fault too,” Rodney said sheepishly. “I told him I didn’t want to get back together with him.”
“Again – not your fault. Maybe now he’ll actually be able to start making some headway with Kate.”
“He’s been seeing Heightmeyer?” Rodney asked, surprised.
Carson nodded. “Once a week for quite some time now. Elizabeth’s been making him. He’s been holding out as much as he can from letting you go, and Kate’s been at a bit of a loss with what to do for him because it’s one of those odd cases where technically he’s fine – even though you can tell that he’s not quite right in the head.”
“Maybe I should talk to her,” Rodney mused. “I know it’s touchy with the whole patient confidentiality thing, but….”
“I agree, but it could be worth a shot,” Carson replied as they made a sudden detour. “We all want him to be better. Where are we going?”
“To see Heightmeyer. I have a feeling John didn’t tell her about our ‘little altercation’ the other day and he’s not going to tell her about the one we had today.”
Rodney felt better when they left Heightmeyer’s office. He had told her about his relationship with John and what had been happening since his return. She had thanked him and told him she’d take it under advisement for John’s next appointment.
“You have feelings for him, don’t you?” Rodney quietly blurted out as they sat down in the mess hall.
Carson gaped at him. “Is it that obvious?”
“Not really, but when you’ve gotten good at having to listen and observe every little thing, some things become easier to see. If we can ever get him over me and back on an even keel, I’ll gladly help you out.”
Carson scoffed, “I doubt that’s ever going to happen. He’s never looked twice at me – not even back before he met you.”
“We are talking about John here,” Rodney replied. “I think it’s safe to say that when it comes to relationships, he’s a tad obtuse. We’ll figure something out.” As if that was the final word, Rodney tucked into his food and Carson sighed before following suit.
Rodney sighed as he bussed his tray, followed by Chuck and Evan. Before he and Carson had eaten half of their meal, Chuck, Evan, and his old teammates had joined them. He enjoyed the camaraderie, and John even seemed a tiny bit more like his old self. But he knew when Chuck and Evan sat down that he was going to have to talk to them afterwards.
“So, where do you want to go?” Chuck asked.
“Let’s go back to my place,” Rodney replied, wanting to be on familiar ground. He needed for them to know what he was going through before everything went into meltdown and he couldn’t let them down like he had everyone else. “I need to talk to you two.”
They followed him quietly back to his place and as they walked, Rodney forced himself to take deep breaths and stay calm. He hated the whole ‘bearing his soul’ aspect of relationships – which was probably why all of his other relationships had crashed and burned. But he knew from experience gained on Lapras that he needed to do it if he wanted this relationship to at the very least survive, let alone thrive. And he did want it to thrive – partly due to his budding feelings for the men with him and partly because he was genuinely curious how this would work, and if they could make it work – if *he* could make it work.
Once inside his quarters, Evan and Chuck made themselves comfortable and Rodney began pacing, his nervousness having skyrocketed when he crossed the threshold. “I know I’m sounding like a broken record,” he finally said, “but I don’t know if I can do this. And I mean this in general,” he waved his hands expansively, “not just this,” he motioned in between the three of them. “I don’t think I belong here any longer. I don’t *feel* like I belong here any longer. If I’m honest with myself, I’ve been muddling through since I returned and it wasn’t like I expected. I expected things to just work again – maybe better in some cases, since I’ve changed but, honestly, they haven’t. Things are probably worse off. I put in a proposal today to Elizabeth to see about opening trade relations with the Laprans, since I know John, Teyla, and Ronon didn’t get to them when they were there. If she doesn’t approve it, I’ll probably look into going back to Earth. I’d rather go back to Lapras, but I doubt that’s going to happen. If I’m back on Earth, maybe I’ll be able to put all of this behind me and, well, I won’t be happy about it, but maybe it won’t hurt so much. I’m sure I’ll be able to work either at Area 51 or at the SGC. Or I could get out completely and maybe go to a private company or I could teach – I’ve had offers from a number of different universities; I’m sure that one of them would still be willing to take me. And maybe if I’m teaching, there could be hope for a few of the next generation of scientists.”
When he paused to take a breath, Evan stood and closed the distance between them. Taking Rodney’s face in his hands, he said, “Did you think this much on Lapras?”
Rodney blinked at him for a moment before asking, “What?”
“Did you second-guess and over-analyze yourself this much on Lapras?”
“No,” Rodney replied, looking at him slightly taken aback.
“And you’re the same person now that you were on Lapras?” His thumbs began gently stroking Rodney’s cheeks, grounding him.
“Yes,” Rodney said hesitantly, not sure where Evan was going with this.
“I think you should do here what you did there. Stop trying so hard and over-analyzing everything.”
“But things are different here,” Rodney told him, a slightly plaintive note in his voice.
“Yes, they would be – what with two totally different cultures and all,” Chuck replied as he joined them, wrapping one arm around Evan’s waist. “And?”
“And what?” Rodney replied with a huff.
Chuck rolled his eyes as he put his hand on the back of Rodney’s neck and began gently rubbing it. “Can you change that?”
“No,” Rodney replied, completely at a loss for where this was going and what they expected out of him. Oddly enough, he felt the same way he did the first few times Kirby led him through his meditation sessions and that realization comforted him. He took a deep breath. “So you two really think that if I just let go and not try to make everything work, things will miraculously get better?”
“Maybe not better, but definitely easier,” Evan replied with a small smile. “You know you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole, so quit beating yourself up while you’re trying to do it. You didn’t fit before and you’re not going to fit now.” Changing tacks, he asked, “What are you sure of?”
“Um,” Rodney opened and closed his mouth a few times. “I’m sure of where I sleep, of the food that I eat, that I’m a very useful member of the expedition, considering how many times I’ve pulled miracles out of my ass.” He gaped a few more times, thinking.
Evan looked him directly in the eye and asked, “Are you sure of us?”
Looking back and forth between the two of them, uncertainty in his eyes, Rodney replied, “I don’t know.”
“We’re sure of you,” Chuck told him.
“Really? Why?” Rodney blurted out. “I’m not exactly certainty material, if you know what I mean. My relationships tend to crash and burn – sometimes quite spectacularly.”
Evan gently kissed Rodney chastely on the lips, effectively stopping his babble. “Because we’ve seen you when you’re in your Lapran mode, or whatever you want to call it, and we’ve seen you when you’re over-thinking everything.”
“That’s a dumb reason,” Rodney told him, eyes narrowing. “Maybe even borderline idiotic.”
Chuck picked up Evan’s line of thought, “And we’ve seen how you’ve survived and thrived in a completely alien culture. If that’s not how we know that you’re one special guy, I don’t know what would be.”
“You’re both morons,” Rodney told them, stepping out of their embrace and wrapping his arms around himself.
“What can we do to prove to you that we think you’re worth it?” Chuck asked him.
“I don’t know,” Rodney replied, looking at the floor instead of either of them. He sighed. “I wish I knew.” He waved a hand at his head as he said, “I’m beginning to think my wiring’s faulty.”
“Maybe we can fix it,” Evan told him seriously.
“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me,” Rodney scoffed, finally looking up at them. “That’s the lamest line I’ve ever heard.”
“What about maybe we’re supposed to fix it?” Chuck replied.
“I think that might be worse,” Rodney conceded, “but not by much.”
He appreciated the effort they were putting into this, into the three of them, he really did. But he couldn’t help but wonder if it was worth it.
“You’re over-thinking again,” Evan commented quietly, snapping Rodney out of his reverie. When had he gotten so close? He put his hands on Rodney’s elbows, gently supporting him and Rodney’s memory pulled out a similar scenario from not long before. Chuck’s hands came from behind to rest on Rodney’s hips, holding, but not confining, him and Rodney could ever so slightly feel his solidity against his back. “Let us help you. Let us prove to you what you mean to us.”
“And how are you going to do that?” Rodney asked, uncertainty evident in his voice.
“Don’t worry, we’ll think of something,” Chuck replied in his ear and Rodney couldn’t stop the thrill that went through him at the feel of Chuck’s warm breath on his skin and the sound of his voice.
Rodney closed his eyes and took a deep, slow breath. He wanted to believe them. He wanted to believe that they were right and that they could make this work. He wanted to believe that he really didn’t have to think so much, that things really could be as easy as they had been on Lapras.
Continute in Part 26
