SGA fic: Gaijin, part 13/40
Dec. 14th, 2008 10:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sam_gamgeeGaijin, Part 13/40
The complete header can be found in part 1.
Previous parts can be found here.
“It’s been two and a half years, John,” Elizabeth said with an exasperated sigh as she rubbed her temples.
“I know, Elizabeth,” John replied with a matching sigh of his own. “I just don’t know what you expect me to do about it.”
“A little more enthusiasm might be nice.”
John snorted. “Enthusiasm for what?”
Elizabeth shrugged as she sagged back into her chair. “Anything aside from finding Rodney.” At John’s narrowing of his eyes, she said, “Yes, I know you’ve been showing his picture around against my orders. No, I won’t tell you how I know.” Continuing, she gently chided, “And you haven’t exactly been welcoming to Dr. Darby, even though he’s expressed his acceptance of the situation the way it is.”
“I’ve been perfectly welcoming to Darby,” John ground out. “What do you want me to do? Roll out a red carpet and throw a party? It might seem a little weird doing it now, since he’s been on the team for almost a year.”
“And you haven’t sought him out once without necessary cause in that time.”
“Just because Darby and I don’t have the same relationship that Rodney and I had doesn’t mean something’s wrong with our relationship, Elizabeth.”
“I understand that, John, but I’m concerned about your behavior.”
Cutting her off before she could say anything else, John said, “Look, either give me an order or let it go. We’re managing just fine – unlike SGA-12.” He grimaced at the memory of the team coming back from a mission not speaking to each other and all adamant that they don’t work together as a team in the future. He knew Elizabeth and Heightmeyer were still mediating between the four teammates.
“Okay,” Elizabeth replied slowly and diplomatically and John stood. “But I mean it, John – stop looking for Rodney.”
“I’m not going to promise that, Elizabeth,” John replied as he stood. “You know that.”
“I know,” she murmured as he left her office, “but I can still try.”
John left Elizabeth’s office in a foul mood. He *knew* he was acting borderline insane with his persistence in looking for Rodney. He *knew* that he wasn’t giving Darby a fair shot by fully accepting him as part of the team. But, damn it, he didn’t want to go through that again. He didn’t want to become good friends with Darby and then lose him. Or, the alternative, become good friends with him and then find Rodney. Because, honestly? He’d have Rodney back on the team in a heartbeat and where would that leave Darby? John ran a hand through his hair and sighed.
“Hey, Colonel,” Darby said easily as he joined him in the Gate Room and for a moment John was reminded of Rodney. “How are you?”
“I’m good,” John replied. “How are you, Darby? And haven’t I told you to call me John?”
“I’m fine. And, yes, you have told me to call you John – numerous times.” Darby flipped through the papers in his hand.
“Must be a scientist thing, then,” John muttered. “Can I do something for you, Darby?” he asked him.
“No,” Darby replied. “I just happen to be going the same way – at least for a bit. I needed some information from some of the sensors and now I’m heading down to the labs. Will I see you at dinner?” he asked as he stopped and John entered the transporter.
“Possibly, but I’m not guaranteeing anything,” John replied, inwardly thinking that it would be a miracle if any of the scientists actually went to dinner at a normal dinner hour without it being necessitated by low blood sugar.
“Okay, I’ll see you later, John,” Darby replied with a smile as John hit the transporter’s screen for his quarters and the doors slid shut.
As John exited the transporter, he couldn’t help but think that Darby was a good guy and was handling the situation a lot better than most people would. He did give him credit for that. And he did like the guy. He just couldn’t go through getting close to someone and then having them either be taken from him or leaving him.
John headed to his quarters and grabbed his golf clubs and bucket of balls before heading out to the driving range. He was fairly certain that it would be deserted at this time of day and he was definitely certain that none of his teammates would disturb him there.
John took a deep breath and let his mind go blank as he set up his tee and the first ball. He smiled with grim satisfaction when he heard it clink into the basket attached to the first buoy marker. He hit a number of balls in succession, relaxing minutely as he heard each of them clink into the baskets attached to the various distance buoy markers.
“There you are, John,” Carson said as he came in. “I figured I’d find you here.”
“What makes you say that?” John asked, turning and leaning on his club, a little surprised that Carson had come after him.
“This is the only place where you won’t answer any calls for fifteen minutes straight.”
John raised his eyebrows. “Really? That long?”
“That long, John,” Carson confirmed.
“Sorry,” John replied, a little embarrassed. “I was concentrating.”
“I can see that. You got all of them in that I saw.” Carson rubbed his forehead with his thumbnail. “Aside from making sure you’re all right, I came by to see if you wouldn’t mind coming ’round the infirmary later today and helping me out with some paperwork Elizabeth wants done for the next databurst.”
“Sure,” John replied easily as he went over and leaned against the wall next to Carson. “I can only give you this afternoon and this evening, though. I’m sure the science department will want me for the next couple of days.”
Carson chuckled. “I don’t envy you that job. Sometimes I wonder how you put up with all of them, then I remember you had to deal with Rodney on a daily basis.”
John’s mouth tightened into a line, but he forced himself to say, “Yeah, some days I can see where his bellowing would be warranted.”
Carson clucked his tongue softly, but didn’t comment further for a while. “Feel like coming along now, or do you want to stay out here for a while longer?” he finally asked.
“I think I’ll come in,” John replied as he pushed himself off the wall and retrieved his bucket and tee. “I think I’ve hit enough balls for one day.”
“I’ve always wondered,” Carson said, “how do you retrieve the balls?”
“We swim out,” John replied. “We’re still working on a way to retrieve the ones that don’t go in the baskets.”
When they reached the infirmary, John stowed his things in a corner of Carson’s office before grabbing the offered data tablet and a stack of Carson’s notes on his genetics research. John sighed as he sat down in a chair at the end of Carson’s desk and began putting in the notes.
“Now, you know I can’t be giving you the patient files to work on,” Carson said with a mild hint of reproof. “As interesting as that may be.”
“I know, I know,” John muttered. “This just reminds me that there was a reason why I was a math major.”
“Well, I’m sorry my notes aren’t as interesting as the Science Department’s,” Carson replied dryly as he began preparing his patient notes to send back to Earth.
“Oh, their stuff can be boring too,” John replied as he slouched in the chair and began working. “The only reason I keep doing it is so I can be around to watch when they have their meltdowns and start yelling at each other. I think most of them have worse mouths than my men.”
“And what about me?” Carson asked, looking at him out of the corner of his eyes.
“I definitely do it for the company.” John knew for a fact that if he hadn’t had Carson around, he really would have gone off the deep end after losing Rodney.
“Well, thank you, John.” Carson smiled as he started to work in earnest.
The two men took a break when their stomachs growled in unison and they headed down to the mess hall. They joined the rest of John’s team as they ate and John felt a sharp pang at the feeling that it was so similar to the old times before Rodney had gone MIA.
“We are going to be watching Back to the Future tonight, John,” Teyla reminded him as they finished. Extending the invitation, she added, “And you are most welcome as well, Carson.”
“I remember,” John replied, not really wanting to watch it. They had never watched it as a team before because Rodney had always preemptively complained too much about the “science” involved. This time around, Darby had actually been the one to suggest it. “But I promised I’d help Carson with a few things.”
“I think we can play hooky for a few hours’ time, John,” Carson reproved lightly. “We have most of the load finished and I think I can handle the rest of it tomorrow on my own.”
“If you’re sure…” John trailed off, concern evident in his expression and tone.
“Yes, John,” Carson replied shaking his head and rolling his eyes at the others, who smiled in understanding.
The next day, John reported bright and early to the science labs, bringing with him a large bottle of aspirin, a large travel mug of coffee, and his iPod. Miko absently pointed to his normal table, which had an open laptop and several extra batteries. John replied with a wave before he set everything up and went to work on the files the scientists had placed on his directory in the network. The monthly databursts were hell. They may have been better for power consumption, but they wreaked havoc on the scientists who never seemed able to remember when their items would be due.
He sighed when he saw the list of documents that were already there, knowing that it was only going to get longer. He scanned the list and started with one of the scientists who he knew would be pestering him if his things weren’t done right away. He deliberately didn’t turn on the instant messaging program one of the programmers had made, knowing that if he did, he’d be bombarded with questions about when he would be finished with their files and with explanations to make sure he filled in the notes properly. It would take twice as long and he would have to continually remind them that he could follow both their shorthand and what was actually being done. He had turned the program on once before and it had been like ants to honey. Unless he actually needed help or one of the scientists actually needed to talk to him, it was far better to keep his head down and work as quickly and efficiently as possible and drop the finished files in the “Done” directory as he went along.
Around mid-morning, Zelenka was the first one to approach John’s table, grumbling darkly in Czech. He took a few of the offered aspirin before going back to his workspace. The others came by at irregular intervals to also avail themselves of John’s aspirin. None of them otherwise bothered him, though some lingered and John gave them each an understanding smile, knowing they wanted to get away from their work for a few moments.
At lunch time, Zelenka tapped on John’s shoulder and, when John looked up, raised an eyebrow. John nodded as he saved his work and paused his iPod.
“Thank you for your assistance, John,” Zelenka said as they walked down to the mess hall. “You have been a big help in getting ready for the monthly databursts. The weekly ones may have been bad for our power consumption, but at least we were organized.”
John chuckled. “I’m glad I can help, Doc.”
With a sly grin, Zelenka said, “And, to think that Elizabeth once yelled at you for not having your reports in on time.”
“Yeah, well,” John rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “She’s had other things to yell at me about lately.”
“Still no luck with Rodney?” Zelenka asked softly. Zelenka had always been a silent supporter of finding Rodney, if only so he could give him his job back. But lately he had begun voicing his concern that they were past the point of return for Rodney. Without waiting for a reply, he continued, “As much as I would love to have Rodney back with us – for all the suffering he put us through, he was a very good man and definitely a genius – you have to let go, John. This is unhealthy.”
“Yeah, that’s what Elizabeth’s been saying. And I’ve tried, but it’s been hard.” John sighed and changed the topic to something more benign as they entered the mess hall. He *knew* his fixation on finding Rodney – especially after all this time and with severly limited resources – was unhealthy, but, in the grand scheme of things, the fact that he was still fully-functional and productive went a long way in proving that he was still sane. He knew enough about psychology to know that would go a long way to keep him in the active duty rotation. Well, as sane as taking a one-way trip to another galaxy with space vampires could get.
John enjoyed his meal with Zelenka and his dry wit. He knew that without it, Zelenka would have been eaten alive by Rodney and this had been his saving grace on many occasions – for both Zelenka and other scientists.
“You’re thinking about him again, John,” Radek gently chided.
“Sorry,” John replied, sheepishly.
“We’re sparring tonight,” Ronon gruffly announced as he sat down next to Zelenka.
“Okay,” John replied at the incongruous interruption. “Is this a ploy to get Darby and me to get along better?”
“No,” Ronon replied as he began shoveling down his food. “We all need the practice. And I was told to tell you you’re not allowed to get out of it.”
Zelenka laughed as John groaned. “They certainly know how to get you, don’t they?” he asked.
“You have no idea,” John replied.
Darby and Teyla also joined them and exchanged greetings with everyone.
“Thanks for checking over my math, Colonel,” Darby said with a grateful smile before digging into his salad. “I really appreciate it, even if it’s not the most exciting project we’ve got going on.”
“You’re welcome,” John replied. “And Wraith darts are a much cooler project than Sorensen’s work on power conduits throughout the city.” Both he and Zelenka rolled their eyes at the same time and Darby laughed.
“You do have a point there,” Darby replied at the same time Zelenka commented with,“If I have to hear one more time about how fascinating they are…” Zelenka trailed off before shaking his head. “Your work is definitely appreciated by everyone, Colonel. But, I was wondering – how does Major Lorne feel about having to do all of the military reports?”
“Oh, the majority of them are already done,” John replied, between bites of his sandwich. “I did them a while ago. I don’t know how his reports are coming, though.”
Zelenka and Darby blinked at John in surprise.
“What?” he asked, in turn surprised by their surprise. “I need to have something to do now that I’m not spending all my time with Rodney. And I got bored after I finished War and Peace.”
“Thought you traded that,” Ronon replied, as he chewed thoughtfully.
“I did, but this was before I traded it. Needed something to do.”
“We would have gladly spent time with you if you were looking for companionship, John,” Teyla replied with a mixture of sadness and reproof.
“I really wasn’t,” John replied with a certain finality as Carson sat down next to him. “Hey, Carson,” he greeted him.
“Hello, John. Everyone,” Carson replied as he arranged the items on his tray. “How is everyone today?”
After a murmur of pleasantries, John said to him, “I finished that book you wanted last night, so I’ll bring it by later on.”
“Oh, wonderful,” Carson replied with a smile. “I hope I’ll have something to interest you in return.”
John shrugged casually. “Don’t worry about it if you don’t – it’s not like I’m keeping score on who’s loaning what.”
Zelenka stood. “I need to get back,” he said. “Who knows what state the labs are in, given how short everyone’s tempers are running right now. Colonel, I’ll see you when you get back. Everyone else, it was good to see you and I hope you all have a good rest of your day.”
“I should go too,” John replied after Zelenka had left. “If Zelenka returns without me, there might be a riot. Who knew I’d be so popular with the scientists?”
“Remember we’re sparring tonight,” Teyla told him firmly.
“I remember,” he replied. “Right after dinner?”
“As always.”
“I’ll be over after that to give you the book, Carson,” John told him.
Carson nodded. “I should be in my quarters by then.”
The clacking of Ronon’s staff against Teyla’s bantos sticks was a comforting and welcoming sound as John entered the practice room, carrying his bantos sticks and a bottle of water. The group sparring sessions had started soon after Darby had been added to the team as way to both help bring him up to speed in some of the finer points of hand-to-hand combat as well as to foster team bonding. John smiled to himself as he saw Darby off to the side, watching them go at it with rapt attention. John turned his attention to his sparring teammates as he wandered over to Darby and he had to admit that they did look very good together. John’s amazement at Ronon’s shooting accuracy and hand-to-hand ability with the Marines and Air Force pilots had worn off quite a while ago, but seeing Ronon’s skill with his Satedan staff was still a wonder for John. From his own sessions with Teyla, he knew that a lot more skill and control were needed and seeing Ronon’s force being so controlled was still surprising.
John nodded in acknowledgement to Darby as he leaned back against the wall next to him.
“You wouldn’t think to look at him that Ronon would be so skilled,” Darby commented quietly to him, not taking his eyes off their teammates.
“Ronon’s a man of hidden depths,” John replied easily.
“I’ve been finding that out,” Darby replied. “Though, it takes a while, considering how laconic he is.”
“I think it comes from being a Runner for so long – necessity takes precedence.”
“It’s rather refreshing – after listening to the scientists all day.”
John snorted. “Can’t disagree with you there. Though, I figured you’d be used to it by now.”
“Only enough that I can get my work done – still gives me a headache, though.”
“Now you know why I take my iPod with me and keep my head down during reports time.”
Darby chuckled. “You’re definitely a smarter man than you let on, Colonel.”
“It’s a good tactic,” John commented as his heart twisted. An unexpected memory flashed in his mind of a similar comment made by Rodney a long time ago and he pushed himself off the wall, needing to move – to get away. He was eternally grateful that Ronon and Teyla had finished, not wanting to give Darby the impression that he was fleeing. Their relationship was still little more tenuous at best – he didn’t need to damage it now.
“Ready, John?” Teyla asked as she easily swung one of her bantos sticks around her hand.
“Ready as I’ll ever be,” he replied, setting his water bottle down and taking one of his bantos sticks in each hand before stepping into the practice area.
He swung the sticks around a few times, getting used to the feel of them, before settling into a starting stance and nodding at Teyla. As they fought, John felt himself naturally center and his mind go quiet. This was one of the few times that he was able to block everything else out and concentrate on the present moment. He and Teyla finally came up in a draw and she nodded to him with a smile.
“Very good, John,” she said, approvingly, as they moved out of the way. “You are finally starting to really make progress.”
As John went over and took a swig of his water, he said, “Yeah, well, you beating my sorry ass every time we practice is bound to pay off sooner or later.”
Ronon snorted as he came out into the practice area. “Nice going,” he commented, clapping John on the shoulder as he passed by. “Maybe in a few more years you’ll actually beat her. Ready, Darby?”
Darby half-shrugged as he entered the practice area. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”
As he and Ronon fought, John and Teyla settled on the window seat. “Darby has come quite far in his progress,” Teyla commented.
“Yeah, Ronon’s doing a good job with him,” John affirmed.
“Darby’s actually interested in sparring with him,” Teyla continued, “so I think that’s good for Ronon, which then reflects back to Darby.”
“The grunts don’t mind sparring with him,” John said, slightly indignant. “They just didn’t like that he could beat them all without breaking a sweat back in the beginning. Once they actually started listening to him, it got better.”
Heading to Carson’s later that evening, John ran his fingertips lightly along the walls whenever he was alone. He felt a weird sort of kinship with the city, comfortable with it in a way that he wasn’t with anyone else these days. He knew it was his own fault for allowing things to get to the point they had with his friends. But he had been so focused for so long that now he wasn’t sure how to let go of Rodney and move on. If the memorial service they’d held – at Elizabeth’s insistence – hadn’t helped, John wasn’t sure what would, short of actually seeing the body.
Through it all, the city had been a silent companion, allowing him to take out his frustration and sorrow without censure. And in return, John had mapped every inch of it in his spare time. He had gotten a harsh dressing down by Elizabeth several times in response due to potential hazards, but he hadn’t cared. It was the one thing he was able to do when the pain of losing Rodney was still too new and too raw that allowed him to feel even remotely normal and productive.
Long afternoons – and even a few full days – of just himself with a backpack containing a datapad, several extra batteries, his iPod, a couple sandwiches and a few water bottles, charting and fleshing out the city in the fledgling grid the scientists had devised when they had first arrived in the city and making notes of what things were, along with any problems he encountered were an unexpected balm on his open wounds. It was as if he were fulfilling a last wish – or something like it – for Rodney, who had always wanted to know what the city looked like in its entirety.
John hit the door chime when he arrived at Carson’s quarters, half expecting him to still be down in the infirmary trying to finish up some aspect of one of his projects before the databurst was scheduled to go through in a few days. But the door slid open a few seconds later and he heard Carson call for him to enter.
“Sorry,” Carson said as he finished pulling on a shirt. “I’ve just gotten out of the shower.”
“No problem,” John replied easily as he watched Carson put his dirty clothing away. “Here’s the book.”
“Oh, thanks,” Carson replied with a smile as he took it and put it on his desk. “Did you want to look through my collection and see if there was anything you wanted? It’s only fair.”
“No, thanks,” John replied. “I’ve got a few things from Liebmann that I need to read and give back to him. That one’s from Cadman.”
“I’ll be sure to return it to her,” Carson replied. “It’ll be a nice excuse to see the lass.”
“I thought you two were together,” John replied, curious.
Carson shook his head, a slightly sad look in his eyes. “We tried a few times, but we’ve found we work better as good friends than as lovers.” He chuckled softly. “It’s definitely not for lack of interest or trying on either of our parts, though.” Changing subjects, he said, “Can I get you something to drink, John? I don’t have much to offer, but that doesn’t mean I have to be a bad host.”
John chuckled. “I’m good. Just came from dinner.”
“Well, could you spare a minute or two to chat, then? You can’t tell me that you have to run at this time of evening. I know you’re all set on your work and I know Radek well enough to know he would’ve kicked you out of the labs for the rest of the day to preserve your sanity.”
John outright laughed at that. “You’re not wrong there. Zelenka does have certain ideas of what ‘respectable working hours’ are – even if they never apply to him. How are your projects coming?” he asked as Carson offered him a seat on the couch before sitting down on the edge of his bed.
“Not as quickly as I’d like,” Carson replied with a slight smile. “Though most of that’s due to simulations I’m running and me being antsy to get on with the research than anything else. Things are finally starting to pick up and some of the enthusiasm from when I started has returned. While the databursts do add a bit of craziness to our normal level of pandemonium, I will admit that they do help keep me and my staff fairly up-to-date on things.”
John laughed. “I think you’re the only one who thinks that. You should hear the scientists grumbling.”
“But I bet you’re their darling. You get the math and you’ve got enough brains to understand what they’re doing.”
“Most of the time,” John replied, making a face. “Some of them are a bit out there. But I do enjoy the math part of it and most of it is interesting – once I’ve gotten the scientists’ shorthand translated into something like full-formed thoughts.”
“Do you miss going off-world as much?” Carson asked as he shifted and leaned back on his hands.
“Sometimes,” John admitted. “Though I still miss flying more. But it’s good having enough teams that we’re not stretched so thin. I take the Jumpers out when I can, but…”
“It’s never enough,” Carson supplied. “I know what you mean. We live on an ocean and my chances to go fishing seem rarer than a blue moon.”
There was a comfortable lull in the conversation and John took the chance to look over his friend. He did genuinely care and worry about him, even though Carson had acclimated to his disabilities fairly well. Carson looked good, relaxed even, for being in one of their blitz periods with paperwork and John was glad that he’d found a balance with his work.
Carson finally broke the silence with, “Elizabeth thinks you should see Kate.”
“Elizabeth thinks a lot of things about me,” John replied, trying to not sound bitter.
“I agree with her,” Carson said gently. “You may be functioning, John, but you’re not really living.”
“What is Heightmeyer honestly going to do?” John asked, anger coloring his voice. “She can’t bring him back.”
“No, she can’t. But she can help you get through this loop you’ve gotten yourself stuck in.”
John sighed. “I’d rather not, Carson.”
Carson pinched the bridge of his nose. “You can be as evasive as you’d like, John, but I have a feeling this will bite you in the ass sooner rather than later.”
The bite in the ass came a few weeks later after a mostly successful first-contact mission. Things had gone great and there had even been an agreement to begin talks of entering a trading partnership. Things had gone south when John had, at the last minute, flashed his picture of Rodney and asked if they had seen him. The Zaris, who had a strong aversion to any sort of visual reproduction of people, had hustled them through the ‘Gate so quickly that John’s head was spinning when they reached the other side. Teyla, who had been the last one through, had reported that there was a very slim possibility that they could patch things up with the Zaris, but it would be tough.
Once the debriefing was done, John tried to bolt, but Elizabeth called him back. “You are going to see Dr. Heightmeyer immediately and start resolving this issue,” she commanded in a tone that brooked no argument.
“I’ve told you I don’t need to see Heightmeyer,” John insisted.
“You’ve probably cost us a trade relationship with the Zaris!” Elizabeth replied angrily. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but there’s a definite lack of fresh meat here and an agreement with the Zaris would go a long way to fix that. Now, I will grant that you have the right to destroy yourself however you see fit, but I will *not* allow you to take the rest of the expedition with you.”
“Elizabeth…” John pleaded.
“I’m serious, John. You are going to see Kate if I need to have you escorted there.”
“I don’t need an escort and I don’t need to see Heightmeyer,” John replied shortly.
“I’m not budging on this, John,” Elizabeth replied firmly. “Either you can go see Kate under your own power, or I’ll call an escort to make sure you go and that you actually stay.”
“I don’t need an escort and I don’t need to see Heightmeyer,” John replied just as firmly.
Elizabeth held his gaze as she tapped her radio and John suddenly realized that she was very serious. “Major Lorne? Could you please send two Marines up to my office?” There was a slight pause on the private channel while Lorne responded. “No, everything’s all right.” She paused and her gaze flicked up to John’s face. He could tell she was debating on what to say. “Lt. Col. Sheppard needs some assistance in getting to Dr. Heightmeyer’s office.” And then there was another pause for another reply. “Thank you.”
She clicked to another channel. “Dr. Heightmeyer?” After a pause for a reply, she said, “Do you have any patients this afternoon?” There was a slight pause. “Okay. Lt. Col. Sheppard will be down shortly.” There was a slight pause before she said, “Yes, thank you.”
Elizabeth clicked the talk mode off before folding her hands in front of her on her desk. “I really am doing this for your own good, John, and you can hate me for it, but since you won’t help yourself, I feel like I have to do it before you actually harm someone else.”
John clenched the armrests of his chair with his hands and didn’t say anything as the confused Marines entered. He stood silently and, casting a mulish look Elizabeth’s way, he exited with the two Marines following behind.
Once they were outside Heightmeyer’s office, John dismissed the Marines, knowing Lorne wouldn’t command them to guard the door if Elizabeth didn’t order it, and knowing that Elizabeth would know if he didn’t stay and would continually send him back until he complied. It would be far better to make nice, get it over with and have Heightmeyer on his side.
John took a deep breath and slowly exhaled before entering Kate Heightmeyer’s office, idly wondering if this trepidation and anger were how prisoners felt going to their death.
Kate greeted him with a warm smile as he entered, coming from around her desk to greet him formally. “Good afternoon, Col. Sheppard,” she said, shaking his hand. “Please have a seat,” she gestured to the couch before going back to her desk to retrieve a pen and pad of paper.
“Now,” she said, as she settled in the chair across from the couch. “Maybe you can shed some light on why you think Elizabeth had you come here.”
John stared at her stubbornly for several minutes and slouched further down on the couch before replying, “She wants you to help me sort out my feelings for Rodney so that I don’t do something stupid and hurt someone else. And, for the record, no one got hurt on Zari and the trade talks weren’t permanently damaged. Besides, how was I to know they don’t approve of physical representations of people?”
Kate made a note before asking, “Do you think your continued determination to find Dr. McKay is good or bad?”
John gave her a ‘what the hell…?’ look before replying, “Good.”
“Why?” she asked, not caving under his gaze.
“Because no one else seems to think it’s a good idea.”
“It has been two and a half years, John. Most people by this point would concede that the chances of finding him are quite slim. What do your teammates think?”
“Ronon doesn’t say anything and Teyla’s been keeping her thoughts to herself. Though, she did at one point ask if I thought it was a wise decision to continue.”
“When was this?” Kate asked, making another note.
“About six months after.”
Changing tacks, Kate asked, “How have you been sleeping?”
“Fine,” John replied.
“And your eating habits?”
“Haven’t changed.”
“Have there been any physical changes or changes in habit since Rodney went MIA?” she asked.
“No.” There really hadn’t been any changes. The only difference was his driving focus had become finding Rodney.
“I’m simply trying to rule out any physical causes, John.”
“Physical causes for what?” John asked, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.
“Your actions. Sometimes certain behaviors that look like psychological problems are really caused by physical problems or environmental changes and it’s been found to be more effective to rule those things out first before psychological treatment is started.” She let John digest that for a moment before continuing, “Any changes in environment – cleaners, food, anything?”
John let out a bark of a laugh before rolling his eyes and leveling a disbelieving look at her. “Really, *Kate*? Those things have hardly changed since we’ve gotten here. And I think that by now it would be more than just me acting differently if that was the case.”
Kate shrugged noncommittally. “You do have the strongest ATA gene, John. Given how little we know about how it works and its effects on the person who carries it, and the fact that we’re in Atlantis, I’d say anything is possible.”
“So my insane drive to find Rodney after all this time could be chalked up to something making my ATA gene make me act weird? I think you’re reaching, Doctor.”
“Maybe so,” she conceded with a laugh. “And until Carson finds anything to support or discredit that, we’ll have to ignore it as we have for decades. Now, I’m sure you want to prove to Elizabeth that you’re not crazy and I would like nothing more than to be able to say that your strong preoccupation with finding Rodney has no bearing on your ability to do your duties, other cultures who don’t understand not withstanding. So why don’t we get started?”
When John left Kate’s office a few hours later, he felt completely brain dead. He was fairly certain she could give his old drill sergeant a run for his money. She didn’t let John get away with anything and would wait silently until he answered her questions – in some cases for several minutes. John was also definitely certain that she now knew things about him that no one else had ever known – not even Nancy. But in the end, they had gotten what they wanted. Kate had pronounced him as mentally healthy as someone who would willingly stay in Atlantis could be and that his desire to find Rodney had no bearing on his ability to function as the military commander of the expedition or as the head of a ‘Gate team. But before he left, she had given him a gentle admonishment to be careful in searching for Rodney and another appointment to come see her.
John wearily trudged to the mess hall, hoping there would be something left to eat. The room was mostly empty, which he was grateful for, and he was thankful that there was still an array of food left as he filled a tray.
“You look about how I feel, John,” Carson said as he sat down across from John. “What’s your excuse?”
“Elizabeth made me see Heightmeyer,” John replied between bites of a sandwich.
“And?” Carson asked, expectantly.
“I’m as sane and functional as someone who would willingly come to Atlantis and stay can be.”
Carson laughed and relaxed. “That’s good to know. I’d hate for there to be something seriously wrong with you.”
“You and me both,” John agreed. “But things are okay, I think. Have you started the book yet?”
“I can’t put it down,” Carson replied. “I see why it’s so popular with everyone.”
As they continued their discussion, John slowly relaxed and for one fleeting second thought that just maybe he was okay with what things had become.
Continue to Part 14
The complete header can be found in part 1.
Previous parts can be found here.
“It’s been two and a half years, John,” Elizabeth said with an exasperated sigh as she rubbed her temples.
“I know, Elizabeth,” John replied with a matching sigh of his own. “I just don’t know what you expect me to do about it.”
“A little more enthusiasm might be nice.”
John snorted. “Enthusiasm for what?”
Elizabeth shrugged as she sagged back into her chair. “Anything aside from finding Rodney.” At John’s narrowing of his eyes, she said, “Yes, I know you’ve been showing his picture around against my orders. No, I won’t tell you how I know.” Continuing, she gently chided, “And you haven’t exactly been welcoming to Dr. Darby, even though he’s expressed his acceptance of the situation the way it is.”
“I’ve been perfectly welcoming to Darby,” John ground out. “What do you want me to do? Roll out a red carpet and throw a party? It might seem a little weird doing it now, since he’s been on the team for almost a year.”
“And you haven’t sought him out once without necessary cause in that time.”
“Just because Darby and I don’t have the same relationship that Rodney and I had doesn’t mean something’s wrong with our relationship, Elizabeth.”
“I understand that, John, but I’m concerned about your behavior.”
Cutting her off before she could say anything else, John said, “Look, either give me an order or let it go. We’re managing just fine – unlike SGA-12.” He grimaced at the memory of the team coming back from a mission not speaking to each other and all adamant that they don’t work together as a team in the future. He knew Elizabeth and Heightmeyer were still mediating between the four teammates.
“Okay,” Elizabeth replied slowly and diplomatically and John stood. “But I mean it, John – stop looking for Rodney.”
“I’m not going to promise that, Elizabeth,” John replied as he stood. “You know that.”
“I know,” she murmured as he left her office, “but I can still try.”
John left Elizabeth’s office in a foul mood. He *knew* he was acting borderline insane with his persistence in looking for Rodney. He *knew* that he wasn’t giving Darby a fair shot by fully accepting him as part of the team. But, damn it, he didn’t want to go through that again. He didn’t want to become good friends with Darby and then lose him. Or, the alternative, become good friends with him and then find Rodney. Because, honestly? He’d have Rodney back on the team in a heartbeat and where would that leave Darby? John ran a hand through his hair and sighed.
“Hey, Colonel,” Darby said easily as he joined him in the Gate Room and for a moment John was reminded of Rodney. “How are you?”
“I’m good,” John replied. “How are you, Darby? And haven’t I told you to call me John?”
“I’m fine. And, yes, you have told me to call you John – numerous times.” Darby flipped through the papers in his hand.
“Must be a scientist thing, then,” John muttered. “Can I do something for you, Darby?” he asked him.
“No,” Darby replied. “I just happen to be going the same way – at least for a bit. I needed some information from some of the sensors and now I’m heading down to the labs. Will I see you at dinner?” he asked as he stopped and John entered the transporter.
“Possibly, but I’m not guaranteeing anything,” John replied, inwardly thinking that it would be a miracle if any of the scientists actually went to dinner at a normal dinner hour without it being necessitated by low blood sugar.
“Okay, I’ll see you later, John,” Darby replied with a smile as John hit the transporter’s screen for his quarters and the doors slid shut.
As John exited the transporter, he couldn’t help but think that Darby was a good guy and was handling the situation a lot better than most people would. He did give him credit for that. And he did like the guy. He just couldn’t go through getting close to someone and then having them either be taken from him or leaving him.
John headed to his quarters and grabbed his golf clubs and bucket of balls before heading out to the driving range. He was fairly certain that it would be deserted at this time of day and he was definitely certain that none of his teammates would disturb him there.
John took a deep breath and let his mind go blank as he set up his tee and the first ball. He smiled with grim satisfaction when he heard it clink into the basket attached to the first buoy marker. He hit a number of balls in succession, relaxing minutely as he heard each of them clink into the baskets attached to the various distance buoy markers.
“There you are, John,” Carson said as he came in. “I figured I’d find you here.”
“What makes you say that?” John asked, turning and leaning on his club, a little surprised that Carson had come after him.
“This is the only place where you won’t answer any calls for fifteen minutes straight.”
John raised his eyebrows. “Really? That long?”
“That long, John,” Carson confirmed.
“Sorry,” John replied, a little embarrassed. “I was concentrating.”
“I can see that. You got all of them in that I saw.” Carson rubbed his forehead with his thumbnail. “Aside from making sure you’re all right, I came by to see if you wouldn’t mind coming ’round the infirmary later today and helping me out with some paperwork Elizabeth wants done for the next databurst.”
“Sure,” John replied easily as he went over and leaned against the wall next to Carson. “I can only give you this afternoon and this evening, though. I’m sure the science department will want me for the next couple of days.”
Carson chuckled. “I don’t envy you that job. Sometimes I wonder how you put up with all of them, then I remember you had to deal with Rodney on a daily basis.”
John’s mouth tightened into a line, but he forced himself to say, “Yeah, some days I can see where his bellowing would be warranted.”
Carson clucked his tongue softly, but didn’t comment further for a while. “Feel like coming along now, or do you want to stay out here for a while longer?” he finally asked.
“I think I’ll come in,” John replied as he pushed himself off the wall and retrieved his bucket and tee. “I think I’ve hit enough balls for one day.”
“I’ve always wondered,” Carson said, “how do you retrieve the balls?”
“We swim out,” John replied. “We’re still working on a way to retrieve the ones that don’t go in the baskets.”
When they reached the infirmary, John stowed his things in a corner of Carson’s office before grabbing the offered data tablet and a stack of Carson’s notes on his genetics research. John sighed as he sat down in a chair at the end of Carson’s desk and began putting in the notes.
“Now, you know I can’t be giving you the patient files to work on,” Carson said with a mild hint of reproof. “As interesting as that may be.”
“I know, I know,” John muttered. “This just reminds me that there was a reason why I was a math major.”
“Well, I’m sorry my notes aren’t as interesting as the Science Department’s,” Carson replied dryly as he began preparing his patient notes to send back to Earth.
“Oh, their stuff can be boring too,” John replied as he slouched in the chair and began working. “The only reason I keep doing it is so I can be around to watch when they have their meltdowns and start yelling at each other. I think most of them have worse mouths than my men.”
“And what about me?” Carson asked, looking at him out of the corner of his eyes.
“I definitely do it for the company.” John knew for a fact that if he hadn’t had Carson around, he really would have gone off the deep end after losing Rodney.
“Well, thank you, John.” Carson smiled as he started to work in earnest.
The two men took a break when their stomachs growled in unison and they headed down to the mess hall. They joined the rest of John’s team as they ate and John felt a sharp pang at the feeling that it was so similar to the old times before Rodney had gone MIA.
“We are going to be watching Back to the Future tonight, John,” Teyla reminded him as they finished. Extending the invitation, she added, “And you are most welcome as well, Carson.”
“I remember,” John replied, not really wanting to watch it. They had never watched it as a team before because Rodney had always preemptively complained too much about the “science” involved. This time around, Darby had actually been the one to suggest it. “But I promised I’d help Carson with a few things.”
“I think we can play hooky for a few hours’ time, John,” Carson reproved lightly. “We have most of the load finished and I think I can handle the rest of it tomorrow on my own.”
“If you’re sure…” John trailed off, concern evident in his expression and tone.
“Yes, John,” Carson replied shaking his head and rolling his eyes at the others, who smiled in understanding.
The next day, John reported bright and early to the science labs, bringing with him a large bottle of aspirin, a large travel mug of coffee, and his iPod. Miko absently pointed to his normal table, which had an open laptop and several extra batteries. John replied with a wave before he set everything up and went to work on the files the scientists had placed on his directory in the network. The monthly databursts were hell. They may have been better for power consumption, but they wreaked havoc on the scientists who never seemed able to remember when their items would be due.
He sighed when he saw the list of documents that were already there, knowing that it was only going to get longer. He scanned the list and started with one of the scientists who he knew would be pestering him if his things weren’t done right away. He deliberately didn’t turn on the instant messaging program one of the programmers had made, knowing that if he did, he’d be bombarded with questions about when he would be finished with their files and with explanations to make sure he filled in the notes properly. It would take twice as long and he would have to continually remind them that he could follow both their shorthand and what was actually being done. He had turned the program on once before and it had been like ants to honey. Unless he actually needed help or one of the scientists actually needed to talk to him, it was far better to keep his head down and work as quickly and efficiently as possible and drop the finished files in the “Done” directory as he went along.
Around mid-morning, Zelenka was the first one to approach John’s table, grumbling darkly in Czech. He took a few of the offered aspirin before going back to his workspace. The others came by at irregular intervals to also avail themselves of John’s aspirin. None of them otherwise bothered him, though some lingered and John gave them each an understanding smile, knowing they wanted to get away from their work for a few moments.
At lunch time, Zelenka tapped on John’s shoulder and, when John looked up, raised an eyebrow. John nodded as he saved his work and paused his iPod.
“Thank you for your assistance, John,” Zelenka said as they walked down to the mess hall. “You have been a big help in getting ready for the monthly databursts. The weekly ones may have been bad for our power consumption, but at least we were organized.”
John chuckled. “I’m glad I can help, Doc.”
With a sly grin, Zelenka said, “And, to think that Elizabeth once yelled at you for not having your reports in on time.”
“Yeah, well,” John rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “She’s had other things to yell at me about lately.”
“Still no luck with Rodney?” Zelenka asked softly. Zelenka had always been a silent supporter of finding Rodney, if only so he could give him his job back. But lately he had begun voicing his concern that they were past the point of return for Rodney. Without waiting for a reply, he continued, “As much as I would love to have Rodney back with us – for all the suffering he put us through, he was a very good man and definitely a genius – you have to let go, John. This is unhealthy.”
“Yeah, that’s what Elizabeth’s been saying. And I’ve tried, but it’s been hard.” John sighed and changed the topic to something more benign as they entered the mess hall. He *knew* his fixation on finding Rodney – especially after all this time and with severly limited resources – was unhealthy, but, in the grand scheme of things, the fact that he was still fully-functional and productive went a long way in proving that he was still sane. He knew enough about psychology to know that would go a long way to keep him in the active duty rotation. Well, as sane as taking a one-way trip to another galaxy with space vampires could get.
John enjoyed his meal with Zelenka and his dry wit. He knew that without it, Zelenka would have been eaten alive by Rodney and this had been his saving grace on many occasions – for both Zelenka and other scientists.
“You’re thinking about him again, John,” Radek gently chided.
“Sorry,” John replied, sheepishly.
“We’re sparring tonight,” Ronon gruffly announced as he sat down next to Zelenka.
“Okay,” John replied at the incongruous interruption. “Is this a ploy to get Darby and me to get along better?”
“No,” Ronon replied as he began shoveling down his food. “We all need the practice. And I was told to tell you you’re not allowed to get out of it.”
Zelenka laughed as John groaned. “They certainly know how to get you, don’t they?” he asked.
“You have no idea,” John replied.
Darby and Teyla also joined them and exchanged greetings with everyone.
“Thanks for checking over my math, Colonel,” Darby said with a grateful smile before digging into his salad. “I really appreciate it, even if it’s not the most exciting project we’ve got going on.”
“You’re welcome,” John replied. “And Wraith darts are a much cooler project than Sorensen’s work on power conduits throughout the city.” Both he and Zelenka rolled their eyes at the same time and Darby laughed.
“You do have a point there,” Darby replied at the same time Zelenka commented with,“If I have to hear one more time about how fascinating they are…” Zelenka trailed off before shaking his head. “Your work is definitely appreciated by everyone, Colonel. But, I was wondering – how does Major Lorne feel about having to do all of the military reports?”
“Oh, the majority of them are already done,” John replied, between bites of his sandwich. “I did them a while ago. I don’t know how his reports are coming, though.”
Zelenka and Darby blinked at John in surprise.
“What?” he asked, in turn surprised by their surprise. “I need to have something to do now that I’m not spending all my time with Rodney. And I got bored after I finished War and Peace.”
“Thought you traded that,” Ronon replied, as he chewed thoughtfully.
“I did, but this was before I traded it. Needed something to do.”
“We would have gladly spent time with you if you were looking for companionship, John,” Teyla replied with a mixture of sadness and reproof.
“I really wasn’t,” John replied with a certain finality as Carson sat down next to him. “Hey, Carson,” he greeted him.
“Hello, John. Everyone,” Carson replied as he arranged the items on his tray. “How is everyone today?”
After a murmur of pleasantries, John said to him, “I finished that book you wanted last night, so I’ll bring it by later on.”
“Oh, wonderful,” Carson replied with a smile. “I hope I’ll have something to interest you in return.”
John shrugged casually. “Don’t worry about it if you don’t – it’s not like I’m keeping score on who’s loaning what.”
Zelenka stood. “I need to get back,” he said. “Who knows what state the labs are in, given how short everyone’s tempers are running right now. Colonel, I’ll see you when you get back. Everyone else, it was good to see you and I hope you all have a good rest of your day.”
“I should go too,” John replied after Zelenka had left. “If Zelenka returns without me, there might be a riot. Who knew I’d be so popular with the scientists?”
“Remember we’re sparring tonight,” Teyla told him firmly.
“I remember,” he replied. “Right after dinner?”
“As always.”
“I’ll be over after that to give you the book, Carson,” John told him.
Carson nodded. “I should be in my quarters by then.”
The clacking of Ronon’s staff against Teyla’s bantos sticks was a comforting and welcoming sound as John entered the practice room, carrying his bantos sticks and a bottle of water. The group sparring sessions had started soon after Darby had been added to the team as way to both help bring him up to speed in some of the finer points of hand-to-hand combat as well as to foster team bonding. John smiled to himself as he saw Darby off to the side, watching them go at it with rapt attention. John turned his attention to his sparring teammates as he wandered over to Darby and he had to admit that they did look very good together. John’s amazement at Ronon’s shooting accuracy and hand-to-hand ability with the Marines and Air Force pilots had worn off quite a while ago, but seeing Ronon’s skill with his Satedan staff was still a wonder for John. From his own sessions with Teyla, he knew that a lot more skill and control were needed and seeing Ronon’s force being so controlled was still surprising.
John nodded in acknowledgement to Darby as he leaned back against the wall next to him.
“You wouldn’t think to look at him that Ronon would be so skilled,” Darby commented quietly to him, not taking his eyes off their teammates.
“Ronon’s a man of hidden depths,” John replied easily.
“I’ve been finding that out,” Darby replied. “Though, it takes a while, considering how laconic he is.”
“I think it comes from being a Runner for so long – necessity takes precedence.”
“It’s rather refreshing – after listening to the scientists all day.”
John snorted. “Can’t disagree with you there. Though, I figured you’d be used to it by now.”
“Only enough that I can get my work done – still gives me a headache, though.”
“Now you know why I take my iPod with me and keep my head down during reports time.”
Darby chuckled. “You’re definitely a smarter man than you let on, Colonel.”
“It’s a good tactic,” John commented as his heart twisted. An unexpected memory flashed in his mind of a similar comment made by Rodney a long time ago and he pushed himself off the wall, needing to move – to get away. He was eternally grateful that Ronon and Teyla had finished, not wanting to give Darby the impression that he was fleeing. Their relationship was still little more tenuous at best – he didn’t need to damage it now.
“Ready, John?” Teyla asked as she easily swung one of her bantos sticks around her hand.
“Ready as I’ll ever be,” he replied, setting his water bottle down and taking one of his bantos sticks in each hand before stepping into the practice area.
He swung the sticks around a few times, getting used to the feel of them, before settling into a starting stance and nodding at Teyla. As they fought, John felt himself naturally center and his mind go quiet. This was one of the few times that he was able to block everything else out and concentrate on the present moment. He and Teyla finally came up in a draw and she nodded to him with a smile.
“Very good, John,” she said, approvingly, as they moved out of the way. “You are finally starting to really make progress.”
As John went over and took a swig of his water, he said, “Yeah, well, you beating my sorry ass every time we practice is bound to pay off sooner or later.”
Ronon snorted as he came out into the practice area. “Nice going,” he commented, clapping John on the shoulder as he passed by. “Maybe in a few more years you’ll actually beat her. Ready, Darby?”
Darby half-shrugged as he entered the practice area. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”
As he and Ronon fought, John and Teyla settled on the window seat. “Darby has come quite far in his progress,” Teyla commented.
“Yeah, Ronon’s doing a good job with him,” John affirmed.
“Darby’s actually interested in sparring with him,” Teyla continued, “so I think that’s good for Ronon, which then reflects back to Darby.”
“The grunts don’t mind sparring with him,” John said, slightly indignant. “They just didn’t like that he could beat them all without breaking a sweat back in the beginning. Once they actually started listening to him, it got better.”
Heading to Carson’s later that evening, John ran his fingertips lightly along the walls whenever he was alone. He felt a weird sort of kinship with the city, comfortable with it in a way that he wasn’t with anyone else these days. He knew it was his own fault for allowing things to get to the point they had with his friends. But he had been so focused for so long that now he wasn’t sure how to let go of Rodney and move on. If the memorial service they’d held – at Elizabeth’s insistence – hadn’t helped, John wasn’t sure what would, short of actually seeing the body.
Through it all, the city had been a silent companion, allowing him to take out his frustration and sorrow without censure. And in return, John had mapped every inch of it in his spare time. He had gotten a harsh dressing down by Elizabeth several times in response due to potential hazards, but he hadn’t cared. It was the one thing he was able to do when the pain of losing Rodney was still too new and too raw that allowed him to feel even remotely normal and productive.
Long afternoons – and even a few full days – of just himself with a backpack containing a datapad, several extra batteries, his iPod, a couple sandwiches and a few water bottles, charting and fleshing out the city in the fledgling grid the scientists had devised when they had first arrived in the city and making notes of what things were, along with any problems he encountered were an unexpected balm on his open wounds. It was as if he were fulfilling a last wish – or something like it – for Rodney, who had always wanted to know what the city looked like in its entirety.
John hit the door chime when he arrived at Carson’s quarters, half expecting him to still be down in the infirmary trying to finish up some aspect of one of his projects before the databurst was scheduled to go through in a few days. But the door slid open a few seconds later and he heard Carson call for him to enter.
“Sorry,” Carson said as he finished pulling on a shirt. “I’ve just gotten out of the shower.”
“No problem,” John replied easily as he watched Carson put his dirty clothing away. “Here’s the book.”
“Oh, thanks,” Carson replied with a smile as he took it and put it on his desk. “Did you want to look through my collection and see if there was anything you wanted? It’s only fair.”
“No, thanks,” John replied. “I’ve got a few things from Liebmann that I need to read and give back to him. That one’s from Cadman.”
“I’ll be sure to return it to her,” Carson replied. “It’ll be a nice excuse to see the lass.”
“I thought you two were together,” John replied, curious.
Carson shook his head, a slightly sad look in his eyes. “We tried a few times, but we’ve found we work better as good friends than as lovers.” He chuckled softly. “It’s definitely not for lack of interest or trying on either of our parts, though.” Changing subjects, he said, “Can I get you something to drink, John? I don’t have much to offer, but that doesn’t mean I have to be a bad host.”
John chuckled. “I’m good. Just came from dinner.”
“Well, could you spare a minute or two to chat, then? You can’t tell me that you have to run at this time of evening. I know you’re all set on your work and I know Radek well enough to know he would’ve kicked you out of the labs for the rest of the day to preserve your sanity.”
John outright laughed at that. “You’re not wrong there. Zelenka does have certain ideas of what ‘respectable working hours’ are – even if they never apply to him. How are your projects coming?” he asked as Carson offered him a seat on the couch before sitting down on the edge of his bed.
“Not as quickly as I’d like,” Carson replied with a slight smile. “Though most of that’s due to simulations I’m running and me being antsy to get on with the research than anything else. Things are finally starting to pick up and some of the enthusiasm from when I started has returned. While the databursts do add a bit of craziness to our normal level of pandemonium, I will admit that they do help keep me and my staff fairly up-to-date on things.”
John laughed. “I think you’re the only one who thinks that. You should hear the scientists grumbling.”
“But I bet you’re their darling. You get the math and you’ve got enough brains to understand what they’re doing.”
“Most of the time,” John replied, making a face. “Some of them are a bit out there. But I do enjoy the math part of it and most of it is interesting – once I’ve gotten the scientists’ shorthand translated into something like full-formed thoughts.”
“Do you miss going off-world as much?” Carson asked as he shifted and leaned back on his hands.
“Sometimes,” John admitted. “Though I still miss flying more. But it’s good having enough teams that we’re not stretched so thin. I take the Jumpers out when I can, but…”
“It’s never enough,” Carson supplied. “I know what you mean. We live on an ocean and my chances to go fishing seem rarer than a blue moon.”
There was a comfortable lull in the conversation and John took the chance to look over his friend. He did genuinely care and worry about him, even though Carson had acclimated to his disabilities fairly well. Carson looked good, relaxed even, for being in one of their blitz periods with paperwork and John was glad that he’d found a balance with his work.
Carson finally broke the silence with, “Elizabeth thinks you should see Kate.”
“Elizabeth thinks a lot of things about me,” John replied, trying to not sound bitter.
“I agree with her,” Carson said gently. “You may be functioning, John, but you’re not really living.”
“What is Heightmeyer honestly going to do?” John asked, anger coloring his voice. “She can’t bring him back.”
“No, she can’t. But she can help you get through this loop you’ve gotten yourself stuck in.”
John sighed. “I’d rather not, Carson.”
Carson pinched the bridge of his nose. “You can be as evasive as you’d like, John, but I have a feeling this will bite you in the ass sooner rather than later.”
The bite in the ass came a few weeks later after a mostly successful first-contact mission. Things had gone great and there had even been an agreement to begin talks of entering a trading partnership. Things had gone south when John had, at the last minute, flashed his picture of Rodney and asked if they had seen him. The Zaris, who had a strong aversion to any sort of visual reproduction of people, had hustled them through the ‘Gate so quickly that John’s head was spinning when they reached the other side. Teyla, who had been the last one through, had reported that there was a very slim possibility that they could patch things up with the Zaris, but it would be tough.
Once the debriefing was done, John tried to bolt, but Elizabeth called him back. “You are going to see Dr. Heightmeyer immediately and start resolving this issue,” she commanded in a tone that brooked no argument.
“I’ve told you I don’t need to see Heightmeyer,” John insisted.
“You’ve probably cost us a trade relationship with the Zaris!” Elizabeth replied angrily. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but there’s a definite lack of fresh meat here and an agreement with the Zaris would go a long way to fix that. Now, I will grant that you have the right to destroy yourself however you see fit, but I will *not* allow you to take the rest of the expedition with you.”
“Elizabeth…” John pleaded.
“I’m serious, John. You are going to see Kate if I need to have you escorted there.”
“I don’t need an escort and I don’t need to see Heightmeyer,” John replied shortly.
“I’m not budging on this, John,” Elizabeth replied firmly. “Either you can go see Kate under your own power, or I’ll call an escort to make sure you go and that you actually stay.”
“I don’t need an escort and I don’t need to see Heightmeyer,” John replied just as firmly.
Elizabeth held his gaze as she tapped her radio and John suddenly realized that she was very serious. “Major Lorne? Could you please send two Marines up to my office?” There was a slight pause on the private channel while Lorne responded. “No, everything’s all right.” She paused and her gaze flicked up to John’s face. He could tell she was debating on what to say. “Lt. Col. Sheppard needs some assistance in getting to Dr. Heightmeyer’s office.” And then there was another pause for another reply. “Thank you.”
She clicked to another channel. “Dr. Heightmeyer?” After a pause for a reply, she said, “Do you have any patients this afternoon?” There was a slight pause. “Okay. Lt. Col. Sheppard will be down shortly.” There was a slight pause before she said, “Yes, thank you.”
Elizabeth clicked the talk mode off before folding her hands in front of her on her desk. “I really am doing this for your own good, John, and you can hate me for it, but since you won’t help yourself, I feel like I have to do it before you actually harm someone else.”
John clenched the armrests of his chair with his hands and didn’t say anything as the confused Marines entered. He stood silently and, casting a mulish look Elizabeth’s way, he exited with the two Marines following behind.
Once they were outside Heightmeyer’s office, John dismissed the Marines, knowing Lorne wouldn’t command them to guard the door if Elizabeth didn’t order it, and knowing that Elizabeth would know if he didn’t stay and would continually send him back until he complied. It would be far better to make nice, get it over with and have Heightmeyer on his side.
John took a deep breath and slowly exhaled before entering Kate Heightmeyer’s office, idly wondering if this trepidation and anger were how prisoners felt going to their death.
Kate greeted him with a warm smile as he entered, coming from around her desk to greet him formally. “Good afternoon, Col. Sheppard,” she said, shaking his hand. “Please have a seat,” she gestured to the couch before going back to her desk to retrieve a pen and pad of paper.
“Now,” she said, as she settled in the chair across from the couch. “Maybe you can shed some light on why you think Elizabeth had you come here.”
John stared at her stubbornly for several minutes and slouched further down on the couch before replying, “She wants you to help me sort out my feelings for Rodney so that I don’t do something stupid and hurt someone else. And, for the record, no one got hurt on Zari and the trade talks weren’t permanently damaged. Besides, how was I to know they don’t approve of physical representations of people?”
Kate made a note before asking, “Do you think your continued determination to find Dr. McKay is good or bad?”
John gave her a ‘what the hell…?’ look before replying, “Good.”
“Why?” she asked, not caving under his gaze.
“Because no one else seems to think it’s a good idea.”
“It has been two and a half years, John. Most people by this point would concede that the chances of finding him are quite slim. What do your teammates think?”
“Ronon doesn’t say anything and Teyla’s been keeping her thoughts to herself. Though, she did at one point ask if I thought it was a wise decision to continue.”
“When was this?” Kate asked, making another note.
“About six months after.”
Changing tacks, Kate asked, “How have you been sleeping?”
“Fine,” John replied.
“And your eating habits?”
“Haven’t changed.”
“Have there been any physical changes or changes in habit since Rodney went MIA?” she asked.
“No.” There really hadn’t been any changes. The only difference was his driving focus had become finding Rodney.
“I’m simply trying to rule out any physical causes, John.”
“Physical causes for what?” John asked, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.
“Your actions. Sometimes certain behaviors that look like psychological problems are really caused by physical problems or environmental changes and it’s been found to be more effective to rule those things out first before psychological treatment is started.” She let John digest that for a moment before continuing, “Any changes in environment – cleaners, food, anything?”
John let out a bark of a laugh before rolling his eyes and leveling a disbelieving look at her. “Really, *Kate*? Those things have hardly changed since we’ve gotten here. And I think that by now it would be more than just me acting differently if that was the case.”
Kate shrugged noncommittally. “You do have the strongest ATA gene, John. Given how little we know about how it works and its effects on the person who carries it, and the fact that we’re in Atlantis, I’d say anything is possible.”
“So my insane drive to find Rodney after all this time could be chalked up to something making my ATA gene make me act weird? I think you’re reaching, Doctor.”
“Maybe so,” she conceded with a laugh. “And until Carson finds anything to support or discredit that, we’ll have to ignore it as we have for decades. Now, I’m sure you want to prove to Elizabeth that you’re not crazy and I would like nothing more than to be able to say that your strong preoccupation with finding Rodney has no bearing on your ability to do your duties, other cultures who don’t understand not withstanding. So why don’t we get started?”
When John left Kate’s office a few hours later, he felt completely brain dead. He was fairly certain she could give his old drill sergeant a run for his money. She didn’t let John get away with anything and would wait silently until he answered her questions – in some cases for several minutes. John was also definitely certain that she now knew things about him that no one else had ever known – not even Nancy. But in the end, they had gotten what they wanted. Kate had pronounced him as mentally healthy as someone who would willingly stay in Atlantis could be and that his desire to find Rodney had no bearing on his ability to function as the military commander of the expedition or as the head of a ‘Gate team. But before he left, she had given him a gentle admonishment to be careful in searching for Rodney and another appointment to come see her.
John wearily trudged to the mess hall, hoping there would be something left to eat. The room was mostly empty, which he was grateful for, and he was thankful that there was still an array of food left as he filled a tray.
“You look about how I feel, John,” Carson said as he sat down across from John. “What’s your excuse?”
“Elizabeth made me see Heightmeyer,” John replied between bites of a sandwich.
“And?” Carson asked, expectantly.
“I’m as sane and functional as someone who would willingly come to Atlantis and stay can be.”
Carson laughed and relaxed. “That’s good to know. I’d hate for there to be something seriously wrong with you.”
“You and me both,” John agreed. “But things are okay, I think. Have you started the book yet?”
“I can’t put it down,” Carson replied. “I see why it’s so popular with everyone.”
As they continued their discussion, John slowly relaxed and for one fleeting second thought that just maybe he was okay with what things had become.
Continue to Part 14
