SGA fic: Gaijin, part 22/40
Dec. 18th, 2008 11:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sam_gamgeeGaijin, Part 22/40
The complete header can be found in part 1.
Previous parts can be found here.
“So what’s my part in all of this again?” Chuck asked as he plopped down on Rodney’s desk chair and Lorne sat down gingerly at the foot of the bed.
“You’re here to be our witness,” Rodney told him for the third time. “Now, it’s traditional for the people who are bonding to exchange ear cuffs,” he pointed to the one on his ear, “to show that they’re bound to someone. But I doubt new accessories would be a welcome addition to your uniform, Lorne, so I think we can forego that little detail.”
“Yeah, I can’t see that going over very well,” Lorne commented. “But if you’re already bound to someone, wouldn’t binding to me be sacrilegious or whatever?” Lorne asked, brow furrowing.
Rodney chuckled as he sat down next to Lorne and drew his feet up so he was sitting cross-legged. “I don’t think so. Since I’m going to be here for the foreseeable future, I don’t think they’d have a problem with it and I know Kelly – he’s my bound friend on Lapras – would totally get behind this if he ever finds out about it. So don’t worry about it. Now, as for the ceremony itself – normally before the ceremony, the two people entering into it would meditate and make sure that they are going into this with a clear conscience and not for their own gain, but to be there for each other and to let the other person be there for them. And then, before the ceremony, both participants would take a bath a symbol of their pure intent.”
Lorne laughed. “I’m sorry, Rodney, but it sounds like you got taken in and brainwashed by a bunch of hippies or something. Those are words I’d never thought I’d hear come out of your mouth without a sneer behind them or dripping in sarcasm.”
“I know – and that’s how I felt at first,” Rodney replied. “But the longer I was there, the more I got the reasoning behind it and I got why they did it. They don’t have the time, means, or ability to deal with the negative aspects of human nature, so they do what they can to foster the good side. Not for Ascension’s sake – but out of a sheer need to survive as a people. Huh,” he said, more to himself, before looking up at Lorne and Chuck, who were looking at him curiously. “Their theology is quite different from that of everyone else’s – I don’t remember any of them ever talking about Ascending or the Ancients or anything like that. In fact, their spiritual model was actually a model for how they wanted to live.”
Rodney shook himself out of it and looked at them sheepishly. “Sorry. I don’t know what brought that on, since that would be more relevant to Tamoura than to either of you. So, anyway, I kind of improvised on the whole process. I figured that Lorne would actually seriously consider my offer and wouldn’t agree if he had any misgivings about it. And I set this time, since I know that Lorne would’ve just finished getting a shower – right now out of habit, since the cast is still prohibiting him from running.”
Lorne shook his head. “I’m going to have to remember to be careful what I say around you. I mentioned that to you weeks ago.”
“Okay, let’s get this show on the road,” Rodney said and handed Chuck a piece of paper. “I figured you could also stand in as our officiator, since it felt weird that I would do that and be a participant.”
Chuck scanned the paper. “Rodney, it’s in Lapran.”
Confused, Rodney took the paper back and quickly looked it over. “Oh. Sorry,” he replied sheepishly as he got up and grabbed a pen from his desk to scribble the translation on the bottom half of the page. He handed it back before sitting back down.
“That’s better,” Chuck replied as he read it over. “Are we all set?”
“Yep,” Rodney replied.
“I guess so,” Lorne replied.
Reading off the paper, Chuck said, “We are here today to bind together Major Evan Lorne of Atlantis and Rodney McKay of Atlantis in friendship. This ceremony is to recognize their committed friendship and their desire to support each other in ways that a wife or lover cannot. Lorne, do you promise to support Rodney to the best of your abilities in all areas of his life, to help him through the tough times and celebrate his joys?”
Glancing between Rodney and Chuck, as if he wasn’t sure where to look, Lorne replied, “I do.”
Chuck continued, “Rodney, do you promise to support Lorne to the best of your abilities in all areas of his life, to help him through the tough times and celebrate his joys?”
“I do,” Rodney replied, catching Lorne’s gaze and a smile forming on his lips.
Chuck read aloud, “By your intentions and your words, you are now bonded friends. May it be so for the rest of your lives and may you thrive in each other’s company.”
“So that’s it?” Lorne asked, looking a little confused.
“That’s it,” Rodney affirmed, remembering his own confusion when he and Kelly had bonded. “It really is that simple.” Changing the subject, he said, “I’ve decided that since tomorrow will be a month that I’ve been back, I’m going to ‘storm the castle’ and tell Elizabeth that what she’s doing is insane. I should be allowed back in the labs and Lorne should be allowed to go back to his normal duties.”
“Good luck with that,” Chuck replied, setting the paper on the desk.
“Do you want either of us to come with you?” Lorne asked.
“Well, Chuck technically can’t, since he has to be at his station,” Rodney replied. “But he’ll be right outside, so that’ll be a bit of a comfort. And I would tell you that I can handle Elizabeth on my own and not to bother, but you better come in with me since you’re supposed to be watching me or whatever.”
“Any idea what you’re going to say?” Chuck asked.
“Not a clue,” Rodney replied with a smile. “But I tend to work best that way anyway. You might want to wake up early,” he told Lorne.
True to his word, Rodney stormed into Elizabeth’s office the next morning with Lorne trailing behind him. “This is insane, Elizabeth,” he told her emphatically. “I want to be allowed back in the labs and I want Lorne to be allowed to do his job – which, I might add, does not include watching me.”
Elizabeth leaned back in her chair and held her stylus in both hands. “Good morning to you too, Rodney,” she replied calmly. “I expect a better argument from you than that, you know.”
Rodney crossed his arms and began ticking off, “Let’s see. I’m bored. I’ve been back for a month. I haven’t done anything out of the ordinary that could compromise us *while in the Control room*. Lorne’s bored too, I’m sure. I know you’ve been keeping me out of the labs because you think I’ve been brainwashed and that I’ll do something if I have the equipment at my disposal, but a) aside from the ‘Gate dialers, the Laprans have the technology level of about the twelfth century, b) they *really* don’t care about taking us over, and c) we wouldn’t know unless I’m actually there anyway and, personally, I’d like to know that sort of thing. And if I have been compromised. Lorne’s not going to be of any help with a leg in a cast and needing crutches to get around. Also, I’d like to find that out before it becomes imperative for me to go down there.”
He took a breath and continued on, not wanting to give her a way to derail him, “And I don’t want the head position back. Zelenka can happily keep the job. I just want to be allowed to work. Oh, and have I mentioned the fact that I’m *bored*?”
“I’ll admit,” Elizabeth replied slowly, “that having you be a productive member of the expedition again would be a good thing. But it worries me that you don’t even dress in your Atlantean uniform.”
Rodney looked down at his Lapran clothing, then back up at Elizabeth. “It’s not exactly like I’ve been given a reason to – considering that I’ve been treated by practically everyone as an outsider. If I’m allowed back into the labs, I will gladly wear my Atlantean clothes while I’m in the labs.”
“I would prefer that you finish your work with Dr. Tamoura on Lapras first,” she countered.
“We’re almost done,” Rodney replied. “Two days, tops, I think.”
“How about we schedule a meeting with Radek when you’re finished with Dr. Tamoura and we’ll decide then,” she responded.
“That’s perfect,” Rodney replied. “I think he should be included in this decision – since he is the head of the science department.”
“Okay,” Elizabeth replied with a nod. “Let me know when you’re finished with Dr. Tamoura and we’ll figure out how we want to proceed.”
“All right,” Rodney replied shortly and quickly turned and left, Lorne right on his heels.
“Have you ever thought about being a diplomat?” Lorne asked as they exited the office. “That was insane.”
“That was how I got people to take me seriously when I was a twelve-year-old genius,” Rodney replied as they approached Chuck and Lorne gratefully sat down and propped his leg up. “We’ve got a date to discuss things further,” he told Chuck.
“Congratulations,” Chuck replied with a nod and a smile.
Rodney started pacing and Lorne watched him. “Will you sit down?” he asked.
“Sorry,” Rodney replied, stopping, but not sitting down. “I forgot about the rush I get from doing that. I need to do something.”
“What about your staff?” Lorne asked. “I know you’ve mentioned it a few times. I think the gym’s empty right now.”
“That’s a good idea,” Rodney replied. “Feel like coming with me?”
“I think I’m going to stay right here,” Lorne replied patting his chair and smiling up at Rodney. “But go knock yourself out.”
Rodney headed out and, after quickly grabbing his staff, headed down to the gym. Teyla was occupying the room when he entered, practicing with her bantos sticks.
“Sorry,” Rodney replied when she looked at him. “I’ll come back when you’re done.”
“There’s no need, Rodney,” Teyla replied with a warm smile as she straightened up. “I was just finishing up.” She went off to the side and wiped her forehead with a towel. “I did not know you were proficient with a staff,” she commented as she came over to him and bowed her head.
Rodney touched his forehead to hers and then touched her cheeks with his hands, which made her smile. “It’s something I picked up on Lapras,” he replied by way of explanation.
“And the –?” She touched her cheeks.
Rodney shrugged. “It’s the same as your people’s forehead touching, but there are degrees – a bow for strangers and acquaintances, one hand for friends, two for family and very close friends.”
Teyla smiled widely. “Thank you for sharing. Do you feel like sparring, or would you rather be left alone?”
“Sparring sounds good, actually,” he replied, not sure how he’d fare against her bantos sticks and without having truly practiced for a month, but he was willing to give it a shot.
He followed her into the middle of the room and she turned to face him, a stick in each hand. Rodney easily grasped the staff in both hands, feeling his mind settling. She came at him and Rodney was surprised at how easy it was for him to keep up. He comfortably deflected most of her blows and was able to get in a few hits of his own.
“Very good, Rodney,” she said when they stopped. “Your teacher has done well.”
“Thank you,” he replied, unsure of how to respond. “Uh. So has yours?”
She grinned and Rodney sighed inwardly in relief as the door slid open and John, Ronon, and Darby entered. “Good morning, gentlemen,” Teyla greeted them.
“Morning, Teyla,” John replied. “Rodney.”
“John, Ronon,” Rodney greeted them. “Darby?” he asked, questioningly.
“Good morning, Dr. McKay,” Darby replied with a smile.
“Please, call me Rodney,” he replied. “If you’ve lasted this long on the team, you have to be good.” He heard Ronon chuckle behind him.
“Whenever you’re ready to get back on the team, I’ll gladly cede my place,” Darby told him.
“Thank you,” Rodney replied graciously. “But as of right now, I haven’t decided what I want to do.”
“What?” John asked, shock evident in his voice. “Why not?”
Rodney shrugged. “I don’t know. Besides, I don’t want to disrupt the team again – it’s probably bad for team cohesion or whatever. We can talk about it later – when you guys aren’t getting ready to do whatever you came here for. I’ll see you all later.”
“Would you like to train with us, Rodney?” Teyla asked him. “I think it would be good for all of us.”
Rodney shrugged. “Okay. I doubt I’ll be of much use.”
“Oh, I think you will,” she replied smugly and Rodney was pretty sure she was staging some sort of coup.
Rodney relaxed against a wall as he watched the other men warm up. They had never practiced like this – the four of them – so he figured it must be something new for Darby’s benefit. John and Ronon ran Darby through some hand-to-hand exercises and Rodney felt a pang of regret that he had never done anything like that with them. Not that they had asked or offered, though. Then Teyla took John through a practice with the bantos sticks and Rodney laughed inwardly. He’d been away for three years and John was only marginally better. He supposed that some skills just weren’t translatable.
Darby came over as Teyla and Ronon began sparring – her with the bantos sticks and Ronon with his short staff. “I hope there’s no hard feelings,” he said as they watched.
“For what?” Rodney asked. “Life going on? The team moving forward? I would have expected them to find someone to replace me. So, no – no hard feelings. And I was sincere about not being sure about the team. If you want to keep the position, that’s more than fine with me.”
Darby shrugged. “I haven’t really thought about it either way.”
“I’m assuming you know how to use that thing,” Ronon stated, butting into their conversation and looking at the staff that was leaning against Rodney’s shoulder, held close to his body.
“I think it would be safe to assume that,” Rodney agreed. “Would you like to test that assumption?”
“Love to,” Ronon replied with a wolfish grin.
“Good luck,” Darby replied sympathetically as Rodney followed Ronon out onto the floor.
Rodney took a deep breath and cleared his mind, not wanting to let his past “practices” with Ronon clouding his mind. Ronon came at him with his staff held over his head and clutched in both hands. Rodney easily thwacked him across his torso and Ronon looked slightly surprised that he wasn’t backing away uneasily.
“You shouldn’t leave yourself so open,” Rodney commented, knowing he was baiting Ronon.
Ronon let out a small growl as he came at Rodney again. Rodney enjoyed the ensuing fight. With Kelly, in the back of his mind had always been the careful ‘thrust, stroke, parry’ cadence that had been drilled into Kelly, and everyone else on Lapras. With Ronon, it was more primal, more instinctive, dirtier. And Rodney loved it.
When they finished, Ronon nodded and gave him a grunt of approval. “Good job,” he said and Rodney could hear the approval in his voice as Ronon clapped him on the shoulder.
Rodney looked over at John, who was looking at him, surprised. “What?” he asked.
“Nothing,” John replied with a disbelieving shake of his head. “The Laprans didn’t come across as a people who would fight like that.”
“Oh, believe me, they don’t,” Rodney replied. “They’re very… clean when it comes to their fighting. I’ve just spent too much time with the three of you.”
Changing the subject slightly, John asked, “How do you feel about going through munitions training again?”
Rodney shrugged a shoulder. “Okay, I guess. I probably still won’t be able to hit the broad side of a barn.”
“You were getting better,” John replied, almost defensively. “Darby and I will be down in the range tomorrow, if you want to come along. I think it’ll help your case if you want to get back on the team.”
“Or in general,” Ronon added.
“I’m really not in any rush to make a decision,” Rodney replied, more to John than anyone else in the room. “I’d better get going. We don’t want Elizabeth to start wondering where I’ve wandered off to without Lorne.”
After a quick round of good-byes and a promise to meet for target practice and more hand-to-hand training, Rodney headed back to his room, quickly stowed his staff and cleaned up before heading down to the Control Room.
“You look more relaxed,” Chuck commented when Rodney sat down.
“I feel more relaxed,” Rodney replied with a smile. “Teyla was there when I first got down to the gym and we sparred, then the rest of the team showed up. Ronon and I sparred and it felt really good. And in neither case was I used as a punching bag.”
“Good for you,” Chuck replied with a small laugh.
Rodney felt his smile get a little wider at the sound. He liked hearing Chuck’s laugh. Looking around confused, he asked, “Where’s Lorne?”
“He went to get some breakfast,” Chuck replied. “Something about having just rolled out of bed to help you stage your coup. He should be back any minute.”
As if on cue, Lorne hobbled in on his crutches. “Remind me next time to eat breakfast first,” he said to Rodney.
“You should’ve gone right after we finished,” Rodney replied. “I can tell you from experience low blood sugar is never pleasant – hypoglycemia or not. Do you think Elizabeth noticed us leaving at different times?”
“I don’t think so,” Lorne replied. “I ran into Dr. Tamoura down in the mess hall. She said she has some free time this afternoon for us to go down and finish up.”
“Good,” Rodney nodded. “The sooner I can get back in the labs, the better. Nothing against your stellar company, Chuck, but –”
“I know, I know,” Chuck replied, butting in. “You’re bored. Maybe if you get back to the labs, I can get some work done as well,” he added mischievously.
“I haven’t been interfering in your work,” Rodney replied indignantly.
“No, you haven’t,” Chuck agreed, his tone a little more serious, yet… there was affectionate lilt to it as well.
Chuck glanced at him and smiled and Rodney distinctly got the impression that Chuck was flirting with him. Which Rodney wasn’t ready for. He didn’t *want* to be ready for it. He liked being single. He was planning on staying single. If he was single, then no heartbreak would be involved.
He slowly inhaled a deep breath and let it out just as slowly, hoping neither Chuck nor Lorne had noticed anything out of the ordinary. Glancing between them, he was glad to see that they hadn’t seemed to notice the little private freak out he was having. He took a few more breaths and calmed down.
“I’m going to take a walk,” Rodney said, suddenly making the decision and standing. “Feel like coming with me?” he asked Lorne.
“Sure,” Lorne replied, standing. “Provided we can swing by my quarters so I can get something to read for this afternoon.”
“That’s a feasible option,” Rodney replied. “Can we pick up anything for you, Chuck?”
“Only if you can find a way to get me Tim Horton’s coffee,” Chuck replied.
“Good luck with that,” Lorne replied.
“Maybe we can try to requisition some on the next Daedalus run,” Rodney replied. “In the interim…”
“I’m good,” Chuck replied with a smile.
“What’s with the Tim Horton’s?” Lorne asked as they headed out. “It seems like every Canadian – and a couple Americans – on the expedition is in love with it.”
Rodney laughed. “It’s one of those things that you just have to experience to understand.”
They were quiet on the way to Lorne’s quarters and Rodney was surprised at how comfortable the silence was. He remembered how he used to hate silences and would try to fill them with words to stave off his nervousness, guilt, bad memories – anything unpleasant really. But now he felt calm, peaceful. And it made it easier for him to think.
And, naturally, his thoughts turned to Chuck. *Had* Chuck been flirting with him just now? Had he been flirting with him all along and Rodney just hadn’t noticed? Rodney thought back over the past month. And he came up with nothing aside from a normal everyday developing friendship. Of course there were moments that *could* be described as flirtatious, but they were stand-alone moments and strewn along sporadically. This definitely wasn’t a planned attack, if it was one at all.
He inwardly rolled his eyes at himself. He knew there was nothing wrong with flirting and that nine times out of ten nothing would ever come of it anyway. Besides, the only other person Chuck even quasi-flirted with was Lorne – and it was possible that he did it even more with Lorne than with Rodney.
Rodney sighed audibly. He needed to meditate and clear his head so he could sort this out and figure out what boundaries he wanted to set so that he wouldn’t be tripped up every time someone did something as innocuous as smile at him.
“Are you okay?” Lorne asked.
“Yeah, why?” Rodney replied.
“That was some sigh. Plus, I’m still getting used to the ‘new you’. If I can’t figure out what to make of you, they’re going to have a hell of a time with you down in the labs.”
Rodney laughed. “I hadn’t thought of that. But I was just thinking about nothing in particular. Are you okay?”
Lorne sort of shrugged. “For the most part. I’m trying to figure out if I want to take the next step in this sorta-kinda-maybe relationship I’m in.”
“Good for you,” Rodney replied with a grin. “Can I get some details?”
“Not yet,” Lorne replied with a small, happy smile – seemingly pleased at Rodney’s approval. “Things are still too new and not anywhere definite yet.”
“Well, whenever you’re ready, I’m here for you.”
“I know,” Lorne replied as they entered his quarters. “And I appreciate it. Everything’s just a little too new right now – this relationship, the thing with you. I’m still trying to process all of it.”
Rodney looked around Lorne’s quarters, as he did every time he went in there, while he waited for him to get what he wanted. There were a few homey touches to the place – a few pictures – mostly of or with other expedition members, a quilt on the bed, a laptop and a stack of DVDs on the desk, and books and comic books on most of the other available surfaces.
“I knew you read a lot, but I think your books are starting to breed like rabbits,” he commented.
Lorne laughed. “I think you’re right. Most of these I’ve promised to other people, though, so that should help clear out a little bit of space… at least until the next book delivery that’s coming on the next Daedalus runs. We get one about every six months.” He finally picked a couple of books and, after hobbling over to the door, handed them to Rodney, who gladly took them. “How’s lunch sound?”
“I could do lunch,” Rodney replied with a nod.
After hitting the mess hall, they headed down to the anthropology labs and Dr. Tamoura warmly greeted them. Seating them at one of the workstations, she said, “Depending on how today goes, we might actually be able to finish today. Although, Rodney, we may want to ask further questions of you at some point in the future, if that’s all right.”
“Fine with me,” Rodney replied with a nonchalant shrug.
Once she set up a recording device, Tamoura continued asking him questions about Lapras, its people, and their customs. Rodney would slip into Lapran from time to time when the English would fail to convey what he wanted to say and Lorne would automatically say ‘English,’ without looking up from his book, to Tamoura’s amusement and Rodney’s frustration.
When they finished, she said, “Okay, I think we’re done for now. Thank you so much for what you’ve done for us, Dr. McKay.”
“I think you can call me Rodney by now,” he replied, standing. “Considering you haven’t done it the past five times I’ve told you so. And I’ve enjoyed doing it.”
As they headed out, Lorne commented, “You know, considering that we’re bound friends now or whatever, are you going to start calling me Evan?”
“I might,” Rodney replied. “Do you want me to?” he asked almost shyly.
“It would be nice,” Lorne replied. “Especially considering I get Lorne from everyone else.”
“I’ll do my best,” Rodney replied.
When Chuck sat down across from them at dinner, he asked, “So? How much longer does the Anthropology Department have you?”
“We just finished, actually,” Rodney replied. “So I’ll need you tomorrow again, Evan.”
“I figured,” Evan replied with a smile as he salted his potatoes. Looking over at Chuck, he said, “You know, I think you’re the only person I’ve met who likes mustard with his potatoes. Is that normal behavior, Rodney?”
Rodney shrugged. “I don’t know about completely normal, but I’ve seen worse things – especially with Ronon. Besides, you put ketchup on rice, so I doubt you’re one to talk.”
That evening, the three of them went back to Evan’s room and watched one of the new comedies Chuck had just gotten his hands on. Rodney enjoyed the movie, but he enjoyed the company even more. He was glad he had been able to find someone to be his bound friend and someone else to –. Rodney quickly shut down that train of thought, not wanting to finish it to its natural, seemingly inevitable conclusion.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. He didn’t want to fall in love again. He couldn’t *afford* to fall in love again. Two heartbreaks due to circumstances beyond anyone’s control was a clear enough sign that he wasn’t meant to be with anyone and he was more than happy to comply. And screw ‘the third time’s the charm’ crap. At the rate things were going, it would be him next and he’d end up taking other people with him. There was no way he was going to allow that.
He tried to console himself with the thought that his relationships with John and Jaelyn would have inevitably deteriorated. But, deep down, it felt like a very hollow argument.
The next morning, Rodney, Radek, and Elizabeth met in her office to discuss the terms of his return to the science labs. Evan was also present, with a large cup of coffee and a couple of books.
“First off,” Rodney started, “I don’t want the Head of Sciences position back. One disruption of leadership is more than enough, I’m sure. Secondly, I’m not looking for *any* leadership position. I just want to be able to do research and work on the projects I had originally started – if that’s possible.”
“Are you sure?” Radek asked, suspiciously. “Because I will be happy to hand it back over.”
“Yes, I am serious. And I know I never told you this before, Radek, but you’re an amazing scientist. And you deserve the position as much as I do.”
Radek looked shocked. “Well… thank you.”
Elizabeth butted in and said, “I’m still a bit concerned that you may have been brainwashed without your knowledge and it won’t activate until you’re in the labs.”
“Then have Lorne keep guarding me,” Rodney replied indignantly. “But, believe me – the Laprans are as stragithforward as the Athosians – if not moreso. They didn’t do anything to make me a threat. This is highly out of character for you, Elizabeth.”
“I’m sorry if I seem paranoid, Rodney,” Elizabeth conceded. “But as I’m sure you’re aware, I’m simply trying to look out for the safety of everyone in this expedition.”
“I have no problems with Rodney being allowed back in the lab at whatever capacity he desires,” Radek replied. “If nothing else, an extra set of hands and someone who understands the science would be a blessing.”
“How about a trial period of some kind?” Rodney asked.
“Okay,” Elizabeth replied. “I’m willing to let you back in the lab if you promise to work at a station in full view of the room, Lorne will stay with you, you must routinely update Radek on the progress of your work, and work reasonable hours – no more all-nighters or 36 hour shifts unless we’re under attack, understood?”
“That’s fair,” Rodney replied. “And I’m willing to agree to that.”
“I will agree as well,” Radek replied.
“Good. If, after a month, if Radek feels that there are no problems, you’ll be a free man. You can start on Monday. If there’s nothing else, I’m willing to adjourn.”
Both Radek and Rodney shook their heads and stood and Evan slowly stood up.
“Rodney,” Elizabeth said, stopping him before he reached Evan. “John told me of his intentions to start you on munitions training again. I have agreed, but for the time being, you will not be authorized to carry a firearm.”
As Rodney opened his mouth to voice his displeasure, Evan touched his arm. “Okay, fine,” he replied in a huff. “Is that all?”
At her nod, he turned and left, Evan keeping pace with him this time. When they got outside her office, Rodney let out another frustrated huff. “In the long run, I don’t really care,” he said, “because I’ve got my staff. I’m more upset that she feels that I’d be a threat there as well.”
“At least she’s letting you do it,” Evan replied.
“True,” Rodney replied. “And I have a feeling I’m about to start my first lesson,” he commented when he saw John coming over to them.
Sure enough, a few minutes later, Rodney found himself down in the shooting range with a gun in his hands and a few paper targets set up a few yards away. He listened carefully as John went through the instructions, feeling that John was starting him over at the beginning level again.
When John let him loose on the targets, Rodney surprised even himself by not only hitting each of the targets, but giving them serious wounds. John had him go through everything a few times with both a nine-millimeter and a P-90 to make sure it wasn’t a fluke, and each time Rodney had the same results.
“And you’re sure the Laprans don’t have *any* firepower?” John asked dubiously.
“Yes, I’m sure,” Rodney replied, rolling his eyes. “Believe me, I’m as surprised as you are.”
Taking the P90 from Rodney, John joked, “Keep this up and we could turn you into a sharpshooter.”
“What would you need – oh, very funny, ha ha, Colonel,” Rodney responded sarcastically. “Will I have to learn how to build and break down a gun in five seconds?”
“Maybe,” John replied as he finished cleaning up. “Are you doing okay?” he asked during their walk back to Rodney’s quarters. “Settling in okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s an adjustment, but I’m dealing.”
“So when will you be starting back in the labs?”
“On Monday, so I’ve got a couple days to wait still.” Changing the subject, he said, “So how’ve you been? Are you seeing anyone?”
John hitched a shoulder. “I’ve been okay. And I’m not seeing anyone. After you…” He paused. “I haven’t found anyone else.” Looking up and down the deserted hall, he asked, “Are you sure there’s no way we could…?”
“I doubt it,” Rodney replied sympathetically. “I had to move on to keep my sanity and I think you need to as well.”
“What if there’s –?”
Breaking him off, Rodney said, “Space bimbos aside, I know for a fact that there’s someone out there for you. It just isn’t me.”
John looked at him dubiously as they entered a transporter, but didn’t comment any further. And when they exited, John followed him back to his quarters and inside.
“What are you doing?” Rodney asked him as the door closed, his eyes narrowing.
“I need to know what the hell’s going on, McKay,” John told him, his voice heated. “You’re acting like nothing happened – like you went for a walk, instead of disappearing for three years. Why aren’t you more upset by it?”
“Maybe because I didn’t have the luxury to be?” Rodney replied, bitingly. “As far as I knew, I was stuck there – *forever*. I know what the policies are for people who are captured or stranded. I know what resources the Expedition has at its disposal. And even though I know that you have a weird suicidal streak to make sure no man gets left behind, I knew that in time even you would have to stop looking for me – either because Elizabeth made you or even you had to realize the futility of what you were doing. Does Colonel Sumner ring any bells?” Rodney knew his voice was rising in pitch and anger, but there was no way he could stop it.
“Did you find someone while you were on Lapras?” John asked.
“What?” Rodney asked, confused at the change in subject.
“Did. You. Find. Someone?” John enunciated.
“Yes, I did,” Rodney replied. “But it was after I had been there for three cycles – two and a half years. By then I could only assume that there was no way I’d be coming back to Atlantis. And it wasn’t like I woke up one day and decided, ‘Oh, I think I’m going to get a girlfriend today.’”
“I was still looking for you, even then,” John admitted, sounding a little sad and deflated. “I had hoped –,” he cut himself off. “Why didn’t you believe that I’d be able to find you?”
“*Because you hadn’t come yet*,” Rodney told him emphatically, advancing on John. “Believe me, this has nothing to do with your abilities, or your masculinity, or your apparently undying love for me. I’m a pragmatist, John – you know that. I *had* to make do with what I had and the truths that I was confronted with at that point. As far as I knew, I was going to be stuck on Lapras for the rest of my life.” He poked John in the chest on the last few words to make his point. “And at first I hated it – I wanted to come back *so badly*. I was angry and hurt that you hadn’t come to rescue me. I had hoped for that – that you and Teyla and Ronon would come barging in to rescue me. But when I realized that I wasn’t going to come back, I *made* myself move forward.”
John took hold of Rodney’s shirt as if holding on for his life. “What am I supposed to do now?” he asked quietly, his voice grief-stricken. “I waited for you for *three* *years*. Every waking moment was devoted to finding you and bringing you home. How am I supposed to just let that go as if I decided to play golf instead of read?”
“I don’t know,” Rodney told him gently as he brought his hands up to cover John’s and gently extricated himself from John’s grip. Touching wasn’t supposed to be an option. “I don’t know how to help you, but you do need help. You have to let your love for me go, John.”
His hands clenching and unclenching at his sides, John replied, “I don’t think I can do that, Rodney,” and left Rodney’s quarters.
Rodney sank down onto his bed, unsure of what had just happened and where that left them.
As Rodney headed into the mess hall, he spotted Chuck and Evan without them seeing him. He smiled when he saw they were hunched over a chessboard, his fight with John forgotten. They were evenly matched, so he knew they would be at it for a while. He grabbed a bottle of water and an apple before heading over to them. He saw Chuck, intent on the game, smile and laugh at something Evan said before making a move and Rodney felt his heart skip a beat.
Rodney shook his head to clear it. He hated this. He didn’t want to be in love, didn’t want a crush, an infatuation, to be in a schoolgirl-ish daze. He wanted to be over love and romance and to just get on with his life.
Chuck looked up, past Evan and spotted Rodney and his smile widened into a grin as he waved Rodney over. Rodney went, a thin smile on his face, thinking that the Fates must have it in for him.
“Care to join me for some sparring once we finish breakfast?” Teyla asked Rodney the next morning at breakfast. “It’ll be just us.”
“Sure,” Rodney replied. “Though, I didn’t mind the others being there too.”
Teyla smiled. “I think the other day was good for all of us.”
“But…?” Rodney could hear it in her voice.
“But nothing,” she replied, putting down her tea. “I simply wish to spend time with you, Rodney.”
“All right.”
After hitting his quarters so Rodney could retrieve his staff, they hit the gym. They went through their own warm-up exercises, which Rodney noticed were surprisingly similar and comforting. This time, when they sparred, Teyla seemed to be truly testing him after seeing what he could do with her before, and also what he had done with Ronon. But the pushing felt good – like something he’d always wanted to do with Kelly, but something that Kelly had never understood.
“You’re doing quite well,” she said when they took a break. “From the bits you have mentioned, the Laprans seem to be a very peaceful people.”
“They are,” Rodney replied, taking a drink of water. “I think that a lot of their staff training is more symbolic and a way to honor the past. The rest I’m inferring from what I’ve seen you and Ronon do – as well as from the movies John’s had us watch.”
“Good for you. You always were highly adaptable to your surroundings.” She paused for a moment, as if weighing her words. “It’s surprised me that you haven’t completely changed back since returning home.”
Rodney shrugged as he sat down. “I can’t explain it, Teyla. While I was there…” he trailed off and shook his head. “It was the first time in a long time – maybe ever – that I felt like I was actually home. And I can’t – I ca-.” He shook his head again, before looking away and blinking rapidly.
He sensed more than saw Teyla sit down next to him and put a hand on his back. Rodney wrapped his arms around himself and cried for the first time since he’d returned – and probably for the first time since Jaelyn’s death.
When he finished, he wiped his eyes and sniffed. “Thanks,” he said. “I think I needed that.”
“Any time,” Teyla replied. “And I think you do an honor to your Lapran family with how you remember them.”
“Thank you,” he told her, sincerely.
“You’re welcome,” she replied. “There is nothing wrong with being sad when you’re separated from someone you love. But don’t keep yourself from forming attachments here.”
“How did you – I haven’t –” Rodney sputtered before stopping and looking at her confused.
She looked at him fondly. “I doubt you’ve changed *that* much, Rodney. I know you have a tendency to wall yourself off until you’re forced to open up. It’s not good for you.”
Rodney laughed. “That sounds like something Kirby would say.”
Standing, Teyla said, “Think about it, Rodney. I do not want you to be lonely or alone. I think that’ll be all for today.”
“Do you think we could do this regularly?” Rodney asked as he also stood.
“Of course. We practice as a team every other Friday and you are certainly welcome to join us. If you’re not comfortable with that, both Ronon and I would be happy to spar with you. And I’m sure John would as well.”
Rodney nodded, not wanting to mention that he didn’t know where he and John stood at the moment. “Thanks again, Teyla.” He touched her cheeks with his hands, then touched his forehead to hers before leaving.
The truth was, he didn’t want to be cut off from people anymore. He had found that he enjoyed being around other people. He knew that it would be hard, however because while the Laprans were more physically reserved, they were a very warm people. The Earthers, on the other hand, tended to be just the opposite until you got to know them. He just wished he knew how to get past that, along with the perceptions people had of him, either from knowing him personally or his reputation.
Rodney came to a split-second decision. If he had any hope of moving on, he was going to have to tell Chuck of his feelings for him which would, in turn, get him shot down. He was reasonably certain they would still be friends, even if their relationship would take a step or two back for a while. It was brilliant. And it should be fail-proof.
As he walked, he began quietly going over what he was going to say to Chuck, but nothing sounded quite right. He sensed someone coming along side him, but didn’t pay any attention, his eyes fixed straight ahead so he could concentrate. But the other person kept pace.
After a moment, Chuck interrupted by saying, “So you like me, then?” sounding both surprised and amused.
Rodney’s head snapped to the side, to see the amused look on Chuck’s face. This wasn’t good.
Continue to Part 23
The complete header can be found in part 1.
Previous parts can be found here.
“So what’s my part in all of this again?” Chuck asked as he plopped down on Rodney’s desk chair and Lorne sat down gingerly at the foot of the bed.
“You’re here to be our witness,” Rodney told him for the third time. “Now, it’s traditional for the people who are bonding to exchange ear cuffs,” he pointed to the one on his ear, “to show that they’re bound to someone. But I doubt new accessories would be a welcome addition to your uniform, Lorne, so I think we can forego that little detail.”
“Yeah, I can’t see that going over very well,” Lorne commented. “But if you’re already bound to someone, wouldn’t binding to me be sacrilegious or whatever?” Lorne asked, brow furrowing.
Rodney chuckled as he sat down next to Lorne and drew his feet up so he was sitting cross-legged. “I don’t think so. Since I’m going to be here for the foreseeable future, I don’t think they’d have a problem with it and I know Kelly – he’s my bound friend on Lapras – would totally get behind this if he ever finds out about it. So don’t worry about it. Now, as for the ceremony itself – normally before the ceremony, the two people entering into it would meditate and make sure that they are going into this with a clear conscience and not for their own gain, but to be there for each other and to let the other person be there for them. And then, before the ceremony, both participants would take a bath a symbol of their pure intent.”
Lorne laughed. “I’m sorry, Rodney, but it sounds like you got taken in and brainwashed by a bunch of hippies or something. Those are words I’d never thought I’d hear come out of your mouth without a sneer behind them or dripping in sarcasm.”
“I know – and that’s how I felt at first,” Rodney replied. “But the longer I was there, the more I got the reasoning behind it and I got why they did it. They don’t have the time, means, or ability to deal with the negative aspects of human nature, so they do what they can to foster the good side. Not for Ascension’s sake – but out of a sheer need to survive as a people. Huh,” he said, more to himself, before looking up at Lorne and Chuck, who were looking at him curiously. “Their theology is quite different from that of everyone else’s – I don’t remember any of them ever talking about Ascending or the Ancients or anything like that. In fact, their spiritual model was actually a model for how they wanted to live.”
Rodney shook himself out of it and looked at them sheepishly. “Sorry. I don’t know what brought that on, since that would be more relevant to Tamoura than to either of you. So, anyway, I kind of improvised on the whole process. I figured that Lorne would actually seriously consider my offer and wouldn’t agree if he had any misgivings about it. And I set this time, since I know that Lorne would’ve just finished getting a shower – right now out of habit, since the cast is still prohibiting him from running.”
Lorne shook his head. “I’m going to have to remember to be careful what I say around you. I mentioned that to you weeks ago.”
“Okay, let’s get this show on the road,” Rodney said and handed Chuck a piece of paper. “I figured you could also stand in as our officiator, since it felt weird that I would do that and be a participant.”
Chuck scanned the paper. “Rodney, it’s in Lapran.”
Confused, Rodney took the paper back and quickly looked it over. “Oh. Sorry,” he replied sheepishly as he got up and grabbed a pen from his desk to scribble the translation on the bottom half of the page. He handed it back before sitting back down.
“That’s better,” Chuck replied as he read it over. “Are we all set?”
“Yep,” Rodney replied.
“I guess so,” Lorne replied.
Reading off the paper, Chuck said, “We are here today to bind together Major Evan Lorne of Atlantis and Rodney McKay of Atlantis in friendship. This ceremony is to recognize their committed friendship and their desire to support each other in ways that a wife or lover cannot. Lorne, do you promise to support Rodney to the best of your abilities in all areas of his life, to help him through the tough times and celebrate his joys?”
Glancing between Rodney and Chuck, as if he wasn’t sure where to look, Lorne replied, “I do.”
Chuck continued, “Rodney, do you promise to support Lorne to the best of your abilities in all areas of his life, to help him through the tough times and celebrate his joys?”
“I do,” Rodney replied, catching Lorne’s gaze and a smile forming on his lips.
Chuck read aloud, “By your intentions and your words, you are now bonded friends. May it be so for the rest of your lives and may you thrive in each other’s company.”
“So that’s it?” Lorne asked, looking a little confused.
“That’s it,” Rodney affirmed, remembering his own confusion when he and Kelly had bonded. “It really is that simple.” Changing the subject, he said, “I’ve decided that since tomorrow will be a month that I’ve been back, I’m going to ‘storm the castle’ and tell Elizabeth that what she’s doing is insane. I should be allowed back in the labs and Lorne should be allowed to go back to his normal duties.”
“Good luck with that,” Chuck replied, setting the paper on the desk.
“Do you want either of us to come with you?” Lorne asked.
“Well, Chuck technically can’t, since he has to be at his station,” Rodney replied. “But he’ll be right outside, so that’ll be a bit of a comfort. And I would tell you that I can handle Elizabeth on my own and not to bother, but you better come in with me since you’re supposed to be watching me or whatever.”
“Any idea what you’re going to say?” Chuck asked.
“Not a clue,” Rodney replied with a smile. “But I tend to work best that way anyway. You might want to wake up early,” he told Lorne.
True to his word, Rodney stormed into Elizabeth’s office the next morning with Lorne trailing behind him. “This is insane, Elizabeth,” he told her emphatically. “I want to be allowed back in the labs and I want Lorne to be allowed to do his job – which, I might add, does not include watching me.”
Elizabeth leaned back in her chair and held her stylus in both hands. “Good morning to you too, Rodney,” she replied calmly. “I expect a better argument from you than that, you know.”
Rodney crossed his arms and began ticking off, “Let’s see. I’m bored. I’ve been back for a month. I haven’t done anything out of the ordinary that could compromise us *while in the Control room*. Lorne’s bored too, I’m sure. I know you’ve been keeping me out of the labs because you think I’ve been brainwashed and that I’ll do something if I have the equipment at my disposal, but a) aside from the ‘Gate dialers, the Laprans have the technology level of about the twelfth century, b) they *really* don’t care about taking us over, and c) we wouldn’t know unless I’m actually there anyway and, personally, I’d like to know that sort of thing. And if I have been compromised. Lorne’s not going to be of any help with a leg in a cast and needing crutches to get around. Also, I’d like to find that out before it becomes imperative for me to go down there.”
He took a breath and continued on, not wanting to give her a way to derail him, “And I don’t want the head position back. Zelenka can happily keep the job. I just want to be allowed to work. Oh, and have I mentioned the fact that I’m *bored*?”
“I’ll admit,” Elizabeth replied slowly, “that having you be a productive member of the expedition again would be a good thing. But it worries me that you don’t even dress in your Atlantean uniform.”
Rodney looked down at his Lapran clothing, then back up at Elizabeth. “It’s not exactly like I’ve been given a reason to – considering that I’ve been treated by practically everyone as an outsider. If I’m allowed back into the labs, I will gladly wear my Atlantean clothes while I’m in the labs.”
“I would prefer that you finish your work with Dr. Tamoura on Lapras first,” she countered.
“We’re almost done,” Rodney replied. “Two days, tops, I think.”
“How about we schedule a meeting with Radek when you’re finished with Dr. Tamoura and we’ll decide then,” she responded.
“That’s perfect,” Rodney replied. “I think he should be included in this decision – since he is the head of the science department.”
“Okay,” Elizabeth replied with a nod. “Let me know when you’re finished with Dr. Tamoura and we’ll figure out how we want to proceed.”
“All right,” Rodney replied shortly and quickly turned and left, Lorne right on his heels.
“Have you ever thought about being a diplomat?” Lorne asked as they exited the office. “That was insane.”
“That was how I got people to take me seriously when I was a twelve-year-old genius,” Rodney replied as they approached Chuck and Lorne gratefully sat down and propped his leg up. “We’ve got a date to discuss things further,” he told Chuck.
“Congratulations,” Chuck replied with a nod and a smile.
Rodney started pacing and Lorne watched him. “Will you sit down?” he asked.
“Sorry,” Rodney replied, stopping, but not sitting down. “I forgot about the rush I get from doing that. I need to do something.”
“What about your staff?” Lorne asked. “I know you’ve mentioned it a few times. I think the gym’s empty right now.”
“That’s a good idea,” Rodney replied. “Feel like coming with me?”
“I think I’m going to stay right here,” Lorne replied patting his chair and smiling up at Rodney. “But go knock yourself out.”
Rodney headed out and, after quickly grabbing his staff, headed down to the gym. Teyla was occupying the room when he entered, practicing with her bantos sticks.
“Sorry,” Rodney replied when she looked at him. “I’ll come back when you’re done.”
“There’s no need, Rodney,” Teyla replied with a warm smile as she straightened up. “I was just finishing up.” She went off to the side and wiped her forehead with a towel. “I did not know you were proficient with a staff,” she commented as she came over to him and bowed her head.
Rodney touched his forehead to hers and then touched her cheeks with his hands, which made her smile. “It’s something I picked up on Lapras,” he replied by way of explanation.
“And the –?” She touched her cheeks.
Rodney shrugged. “It’s the same as your people’s forehead touching, but there are degrees – a bow for strangers and acquaintances, one hand for friends, two for family and very close friends.”
Teyla smiled widely. “Thank you for sharing. Do you feel like sparring, or would you rather be left alone?”
“Sparring sounds good, actually,” he replied, not sure how he’d fare against her bantos sticks and without having truly practiced for a month, but he was willing to give it a shot.
He followed her into the middle of the room and she turned to face him, a stick in each hand. Rodney easily grasped the staff in both hands, feeling his mind settling. She came at him and Rodney was surprised at how easy it was for him to keep up. He comfortably deflected most of her blows and was able to get in a few hits of his own.
“Very good, Rodney,” she said when they stopped. “Your teacher has done well.”
“Thank you,” he replied, unsure of how to respond. “Uh. So has yours?”
She grinned and Rodney sighed inwardly in relief as the door slid open and John, Ronon, and Darby entered. “Good morning, gentlemen,” Teyla greeted them.
“Morning, Teyla,” John replied. “Rodney.”
“John, Ronon,” Rodney greeted them. “Darby?” he asked, questioningly.
“Good morning, Dr. McKay,” Darby replied with a smile.
“Please, call me Rodney,” he replied. “If you’ve lasted this long on the team, you have to be good.” He heard Ronon chuckle behind him.
“Whenever you’re ready to get back on the team, I’ll gladly cede my place,” Darby told him.
“Thank you,” Rodney replied graciously. “But as of right now, I haven’t decided what I want to do.”
“What?” John asked, shock evident in his voice. “Why not?”
Rodney shrugged. “I don’t know. Besides, I don’t want to disrupt the team again – it’s probably bad for team cohesion or whatever. We can talk about it later – when you guys aren’t getting ready to do whatever you came here for. I’ll see you all later.”
“Would you like to train with us, Rodney?” Teyla asked him. “I think it would be good for all of us.”
Rodney shrugged. “Okay. I doubt I’ll be of much use.”
“Oh, I think you will,” she replied smugly and Rodney was pretty sure she was staging some sort of coup.
Rodney relaxed against a wall as he watched the other men warm up. They had never practiced like this – the four of them – so he figured it must be something new for Darby’s benefit. John and Ronon ran Darby through some hand-to-hand exercises and Rodney felt a pang of regret that he had never done anything like that with them. Not that they had asked or offered, though. Then Teyla took John through a practice with the bantos sticks and Rodney laughed inwardly. He’d been away for three years and John was only marginally better. He supposed that some skills just weren’t translatable.
Darby came over as Teyla and Ronon began sparring – her with the bantos sticks and Ronon with his short staff. “I hope there’s no hard feelings,” he said as they watched.
“For what?” Rodney asked. “Life going on? The team moving forward? I would have expected them to find someone to replace me. So, no – no hard feelings. And I was sincere about not being sure about the team. If you want to keep the position, that’s more than fine with me.”
Darby shrugged. “I haven’t really thought about it either way.”
“I’m assuming you know how to use that thing,” Ronon stated, butting into their conversation and looking at the staff that was leaning against Rodney’s shoulder, held close to his body.
“I think it would be safe to assume that,” Rodney agreed. “Would you like to test that assumption?”
“Love to,” Ronon replied with a wolfish grin.
“Good luck,” Darby replied sympathetically as Rodney followed Ronon out onto the floor.
Rodney took a deep breath and cleared his mind, not wanting to let his past “practices” with Ronon clouding his mind. Ronon came at him with his staff held over his head and clutched in both hands. Rodney easily thwacked him across his torso and Ronon looked slightly surprised that he wasn’t backing away uneasily.
“You shouldn’t leave yourself so open,” Rodney commented, knowing he was baiting Ronon.
Ronon let out a small growl as he came at Rodney again. Rodney enjoyed the ensuing fight. With Kelly, in the back of his mind had always been the careful ‘thrust, stroke, parry’ cadence that had been drilled into Kelly, and everyone else on Lapras. With Ronon, it was more primal, more instinctive, dirtier. And Rodney loved it.
When they finished, Ronon nodded and gave him a grunt of approval. “Good job,” he said and Rodney could hear the approval in his voice as Ronon clapped him on the shoulder.
Rodney looked over at John, who was looking at him, surprised. “What?” he asked.
“Nothing,” John replied with a disbelieving shake of his head. “The Laprans didn’t come across as a people who would fight like that.”
“Oh, believe me, they don’t,” Rodney replied. “They’re very… clean when it comes to their fighting. I’ve just spent too much time with the three of you.”
Changing the subject slightly, John asked, “How do you feel about going through munitions training again?”
Rodney shrugged a shoulder. “Okay, I guess. I probably still won’t be able to hit the broad side of a barn.”
“You were getting better,” John replied, almost defensively. “Darby and I will be down in the range tomorrow, if you want to come along. I think it’ll help your case if you want to get back on the team.”
“Or in general,” Ronon added.
“I’m really not in any rush to make a decision,” Rodney replied, more to John than anyone else in the room. “I’d better get going. We don’t want Elizabeth to start wondering where I’ve wandered off to without Lorne.”
After a quick round of good-byes and a promise to meet for target practice and more hand-to-hand training, Rodney headed back to his room, quickly stowed his staff and cleaned up before heading down to the Control Room.
“You look more relaxed,” Chuck commented when Rodney sat down.
“I feel more relaxed,” Rodney replied with a smile. “Teyla was there when I first got down to the gym and we sparred, then the rest of the team showed up. Ronon and I sparred and it felt really good. And in neither case was I used as a punching bag.”
“Good for you,” Chuck replied with a small laugh.
Rodney felt his smile get a little wider at the sound. He liked hearing Chuck’s laugh. Looking around confused, he asked, “Where’s Lorne?”
“He went to get some breakfast,” Chuck replied. “Something about having just rolled out of bed to help you stage your coup. He should be back any minute.”
As if on cue, Lorne hobbled in on his crutches. “Remind me next time to eat breakfast first,” he said to Rodney.
“You should’ve gone right after we finished,” Rodney replied. “I can tell you from experience low blood sugar is never pleasant – hypoglycemia or not. Do you think Elizabeth noticed us leaving at different times?”
“I don’t think so,” Lorne replied. “I ran into Dr. Tamoura down in the mess hall. She said she has some free time this afternoon for us to go down and finish up.”
“Good,” Rodney nodded. “The sooner I can get back in the labs, the better. Nothing against your stellar company, Chuck, but –”
“I know, I know,” Chuck replied, butting in. “You’re bored. Maybe if you get back to the labs, I can get some work done as well,” he added mischievously.
“I haven’t been interfering in your work,” Rodney replied indignantly.
“No, you haven’t,” Chuck agreed, his tone a little more serious, yet… there was affectionate lilt to it as well.
Chuck glanced at him and smiled and Rodney distinctly got the impression that Chuck was flirting with him. Which Rodney wasn’t ready for. He didn’t *want* to be ready for it. He liked being single. He was planning on staying single. If he was single, then no heartbreak would be involved.
He slowly inhaled a deep breath and let it out just as slowly, hoping neither Chuck nor Lorne had noticed anything out of the ordinary. Glancing between them, he was glad to see that they hadn’t seemed to notice the little private freak out he was having. He took a few more breaths and calmed down.
“I’m going to take a walk,” Rodney said, suddenly making the decision and standing. “Feel like coming with me?” he asked Lorne.
“Sure,” Lorne replied, standing. “Provided we can swing by my quarters so I can get something to read for this afternoon.”
“That’s a feasible option,” Rodney replied. “Can we pick up anything for you, Chuck?”
“Only if you can find a way to get me Tim Horton’s coffee,” Chuck replied.
“Good luck with that,” Lorne replied.
“Maybe we can try to requisition some on the next Daedalus run,” Rodney replied. “In the interim…”
“I’m good,” Chuck replied with a smile.
“What’s with the Tim Horton’s?” Lorne asked as they headed out. “It seems like every Canadian – and a couple Americans – on the expedition is in love with it.”
Rodney laughed. “It’s one of those things that you just have to experience to understand.”
They were quiet on the way to Lorne’s quarters and Rodney was surprised at how comfortable the silence was. He remembered how he used to hate silences and would try to fill them with words to stave off his nervousness, guilt, bad memories – anything unpleasant really. But now he felt calm, peaceful. And it made it easier for him to think.
And, naturally, his thoughts turned to Chuck. *Had* Chuck been flirting with him just now? Had he been flirting with him all along and Rodney just hadn’t noticed? Rodney thought back over the past month. And he came up with nothing aside from a normal everyday developing friendship. Of course there were moments that *could* be described as flirtatious, but they were stand-alone moments and strewn along sporadically. This definitely wasn’t a planned attack, if it was one at all.
He inwardly rolled his eyes at himself. He knew there was nothing wrong with flirting and that nine times out of ten nothing would ever come of it anyway. Besides, the only other person Chuck even quasi-flirted with was Lorne – and it was possible that he did it even more with Lorne than with Rodney.
Rodney sighed audibly. He needed to meditate and clear his head so he could sort this out and figure out what boundaries he wanted to set so that he wouldn’t be tripped up every time someone did something as innocuous as smile at him.
“Are you okay?” Lorne asked.
“Yeah, why?” Rodney replied.
“That was some sigh. Plus, I’m still getting used to the ‘new you’. If I can’t figure out what to make of you, they’re going to have a hell of a time with you down in the labs.”
Rodney laughed. “I hadn’t thought of that. But I was just thinking about nothing in particular. Are you okay?”
Lorne sort of shrugged. “For the most part. I’m trying to figure out if I want to take the next step in this sorta-kinda-maybe relationship I’m in.”
“Good for you,” Rodney replied with a grin. “Can I get some details?”
“Not yet,” Lorne replied with a small, happy smile – seemingly pleased at Rodney’s approval. “Things are still too new and not anywhere definite yet.”
“Well, whenever you’re ready, I’m here for you.”
“I know,” Lorne replied as they entered his quarters. “And I appreciate it. Everything’s just a little too new right now – this relationship, the thing with you. I’m still trying to process all of it.”
Rodney looked around Lorne’s quarters, as he did every time he went in there, while he waited for him to get what he wanted. There were a few homey touches to the place – a few pictures – mostly of or with other expedition members, a quilt on the bed, a laptop and a stack of DVDs on the desk, and books and comic books on most of the other available surfaces.
“I knew you read a lot, but I think your books are starting to breed like rabbits,” he commented.
Lorne laughed. “I think you’re right. Most of these I’ve promised to other people, though, so that should help clear out a little bit of space… at least until the next book delivery that’s coming on the next Daedalus runs. We get one about every six months.” He finally picked a couple of books and, after hobbling over to the door, handed them to Rodney, who gladly took them. “How’s lunch sound?”
“I could do lunch,” Rodney replied with a nod.
After hitting the mess hall, they headed down to the anthropology labs and Dr. Tamoura warmly greeted them. Seating them at one of the workstations, she said, “Depending on how today goes, we might actually be able to finish today. Although, Rodney, we may want to ask further questions of you at some point in the future, if that’s all right.”
“Fine with me,” Rodney replied with a nonchalant shrug.
Once she set up a recording device, Tamoura continued asking him questions about Lapras, its people, and their customs. Rodney would slip into Lapran from time to time when the English would fail to convey what he wanted to say and Lorne would automatically say ‘English,’ without looking up from his book, to Tamoura’s amusement and Rodney’s frustration.
When they finished, she said, “Okay, I think we’re done for now. Thank you so much for what you’ve done for us, Dr. McKay.”
“I think you can call me Rodney by now,” he replied, standing. “Considering you haven’t done it the past five times I’ve told you so. And I’ve enjoyed doing it.”
As they headed out, Lorne commented, “You know, considering that we’re bound friends now or whatever, are you going to start calling me Evan?”
“I might,” Rodney replied. “Do you want me to?” he asked almost shyly.
“It would be nice,” Lorne replied. “Especially considering I get Lorne from everyone else.”
“I’ll do my best,” Rodney replied.
When Chuck sat down across from them at dinner, he asked, “So? How much longer does the Anthropology Department have you?”
“We just finished, actually,” Rodney replied. “So I’ll need you tomorrow again, Evan.”
“I figured,” Evan replied with a smile as he salted his potatoes. Looking over at Chuck, he said, “You know, I think you’re the only person I’ve met who likes mustard with his potatoes. Is that normal behavior, Rodney?”
Rodney shrugged. “I don’t know about completely normal, but I’ve seen worse things – especially with Ronon. Besides, you put ketchup on rice, so I doubt you’re one to talk.”
That evening, the three of them went back to Evan’s room and watched one of the new comedies Chuck had just gotten his hands on. Rodney enjoyed the movie, but he enjoyed the company even more. He was glad he had been able to find someone to be his bound friend and someone else to –. Rodney quickly shut down that train of thought, not wanting to finish it to its natural, seemingly inevitable conclusion.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. He didn’t want to fall in love again. He couldn’t *afford* to fall in love again. Two heartbreaks due to circumstances beyond anyone’s control was a clear enough sign that he wasn’t meant to be with anyone and he was more than happy to comply. And screw ‘the third time’s the charm’ crap. At the rate things were going, it would be him next and he’d end up taking other people with him. There was no way he was going to allow that.
He tried to console himself with the thought that his relationships with John and Jaelyn would have inevitably deteriorated. But, deep down, it felt like a very hollow argument.
The next morning, Rodney, Radek, and Elizabeth met in her office to discuss the terms of his return to the science labs. Evan was also present, with a large cup of coffee and a couple of books.
“First off,” Rodney started, “I don’t want the Head of Sciences position back. One disruption of leadership is more than enough, I’m sure. Secondly, I’m not looking for *any* leadership position. I just want to be able to do research and work on the projects I had originally started – if that’s possible.”
“Are you sure?” Radek asked, suspiciously. “Because I will be happy to hand it back over.”
“Yes, I am serious. And I know I never told you this before, Radek, but you’re an amazing scientist. And you deserve the position as much as I do.”
Radek looked shocked. “Well… thank you.”
Elizabeth butted in and said, “I’m still a bit concerned that you may have been brainwashed without your knowledge and it won’t activate until you’re in the labs.”
“Then have Lorne keep guarding me,” Rodney replied indignantly. “But, believe me – the Laprans are as stragithforward as the Athosians – if not moreso. They didn’t do anything to make me a threat. This is highly out of character for you, Elizabeth.”
“I’m sorry if I seem paranoid, Rodney,” Elizabeth conceded. “But as I’m sure you’re aware, I’m simply trying to look out for the safety of everyone in this expedition.”
“I have no problems with Rodney being allowed back in the lab at whatever capacity he desires,” Radek replied. “If nothing else, an extra set of hands and someone who understands the science would be a blessing.”
“How about a trial period of some kind?” Rodney asked.
“Okay,” Elizabeth replied. “I’m willing to let you back in the lab if you promise to work at a station in full view of the room, Lorne will stay with you, you must routinely update Radek on the progress of your work, and work reasonable hours – no more all-nighters or 36 hour shifts unless we’re under attack, understood?”
“That’s fair,” Rodney replied. “And I’m willing to agree to that.”
“I will agree as well,” Radek replied.
“Good. If, after a month, if Radek feels that there are no problems, you’ll be a free man. You can start on Monday. If there’s nothing else, I’m willing to adjourn.”
Both Radek and Rodney shook their heads and stood and Evan slowly stood up.
“Rodney,” Elizabeth said, stopping him before he reached Evan. “John told me of his intentions to start you on munitions training again. I have agreed, but for the time being, you will not be authorized to carry a firearm.”
As Rodney opened his mouth to voice his displeasure, Evan touched his arm. “Okay, fine,” he replied in a huff. “Is that all?”
At her nod, he turned and left, Evan keeping pace with him this time. When they got outside her office, Rodney let out another frustrated huff. “In the long run, I don’t really care,” he said, “because I’ve got my staff. I’m more upset that she feels that I’d be a threat there as well.”
“At least she’s letting you do it,” Evan replied.
“True,” Rodney replied. “And I have a feeling I’m about to start my first lesson,” he commented when he saw John coming over to them.
Sure enough, a few minutes later, Rodney found himself down in the shooting range with a gun in his hands and a few paper targets set up a few yards away. He listened carefully as John went through the instructions, feeling that John was starting him over at the beginning level again.
When John let him loose on the targets, Rodney surprised even himself by not only hitting each of the targets, but giving them serious wounds. John had him go through everything a few times with both a nine-millimeter and a P-90 to make sure it wasn’t a fluke, and each time Rodney had the same results.
“And you’re sure the Laprans don’t have *any* firepower?” John asked dubiously.
“Yes, I’m sure,” Rodney replied, rolling his eyes. “Believe me, I’m as surprised as you are.”
Taking the P90 from Rodney, John joked, “Keep this up and we could turn you into a sharpshooter.”
“What would you need – oh, very funny, ha ha, Colonel,” Rodney responded sarcastically. “Will I have to learn how to build and break down a gun in five seconds?”
“Maybe,” John replied as he finished cleaning up. “Are you doing okay?” he asked during their walk back to Rodney’s quarters. “Settling in okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s an adjustment, but I’m dealing.”
“So when will you be starting back in the labs?”
“On Monday, so I’ve got a couple days to wait still.” Changing the subject, he said, “So how’ve you been? Are you seeing anyone?”
John hitched a shoulder. “I’ve been okay. And I’m not seeing anyone. After you…” He paused. “I haven’t found anyone else.” Looking up and down the deserted hall, he asked, “Are you sure there’s no way we could…?”
“I doubt it,” Rodney replied sympathetically. “I had to move on to keep my sanity and I think you need to as well.”
“What if there’s –?”
Breaking him off, Rodney said, “Space bimbos aside, I know for a fact that there’s someone out there for you. It just isn’t me.”
John looked at him dubiously as they entered a transporter, but didn’t comment any further. And when they exited, John followed him back to his quarters and inside.
“What are you doing?” Rodney asked him as the door closed, his eyes narrowing.
“I need to know what the hell’s going on, McKay,” John told him, his voice heated. “You’re acting like nothing happened – like you went for a walk, instead of disappearing for three years. Why aren’t you more upset by it?”
“Maybe because I didn’t have the luxury to be?” Rodney replied, bitingly. “As far as I knew, I was stuck there – *forever*. I know what the policies are for people who are captured or stranded. I know what resources the Expedition has at its disposal. And even though I know that you have a weird suicidal streak to make sure no man gets left behind, I knew that in time even you would have to stop looking for me – either because Elizabeth made you or even you had to realize the futility of what you were doing. Does Colonel Sumner ring any bells?” Rodney knew his voice was rising in pitch and anger, but there was no way he could stop it.
“Did you find someone while you were on Lapras?” John asked.
“What?” Rodney asked, confused at the change in subject.
“Did. You. Find. Someone?” John enunciated.
“Yes, I did,” Rodney replied. “But it was after I had been there for three cycles – two and a half years. By then I could only assume that there was no way I’d be coming back to Atlantis. And it wasn’t like I woke up one day and decided, ‘Oh, I think I’m going to get a girlfriend today.’”
“I was still looking for you, even then,” John admitted, sounding a little sad and deflated. “I had hoped –,” he cut himself off. “Why didn’t you believe that I’d be able to find you?”
“*Because you hadn’t come yet*,” Rodney told him emphatically, advancing on John. “Believe me, this has nothing to do with your abilities, or your masculinity, or your apparently undying love for me. I’m a pragmatist, John – you know that. I *had* to make do with what I had and the truths that I was confronted with at that point. As far as I knew, I was going to be stuck on Lapras for the rest of my life.” He poked John in the chest on the last few words to make his point. “And at first I hated it – I wanted to come back *so badly*. I was angry and hurt that you hadn’t come to rescue me. I had hoped for that – that you and Teyla and Ronon would come barging in to rescue me. But when I realized that I wasn’t going to come back, I *made* myself move forward.”
John took hold of Rodney’s shirt as if holding on for his life. “What am I supposed to do now?” he asked quietly, his voice grief-stricken. “I waited for you for *three* *years*. Every waking moment was devoted to finding you and bringing you home. How am I supposed to just let that go as if I decided to play golf instead of read?”
“I don’t know,” Rodney told him gently as he brought his hands up to cover John’s and gently extricated himself from John’s grip. Touching wasn’t supposed to be an option. “I don’t know how to help you, but you do need help. You have to let your love for me go, John.”
His hands clenching and unclenching at his sides, John replied, “I don’t think I can do that, Rodney,” and left Rodney’s quarters.
Rodney sank down onto his bed, unsure of what had just happened and where that left them.
As Rodney headed into the mess hall, he spotted Chuck and Evan without them seeing him. He smiled when he saw they were hunched over a chessboard, his fight with John forgotten. They were evenly matched, so he knew they would be at it for a while. He grabbed a bottle of water and an apple before heading over to them. He saw Chuck, intent on the game, smile and laugh at something Evan said before making a move and Rodney felt his heart skip a beat.
Rodney shook his head to clear it. He hated this. He didn’t want to be in love, didn’t want a crush, an infatuation, to be in a schoolgirl-ish daze. He wanted to be over love and romance and to just get on with his life.
Chuck looked up, past Evan and spotted Rodney and his smile widened into a grin as he waved Rodney over. Rodney went, a thin smile on his face, thinking that the Fates must have it in for him.
“Care to join me for some sparring once we finish breakfast?” Teyla asked Rodney the next morning at breakfast. “It’ll be just us.”
“Sure,” Rodney replied. “Though, I didn’t mind the others being there too.”
Teyla smiled. “I think the other day was good for all of us.”
“But…?” Rodney could hear it in her voice.
“But nothing,” she replied, putting down her tea. “I simply wish to spend time with you, Rodney.”
“All right.”
After hitting his quarters so Rodney could retrieve his staff, they hit the gym. They went through their own warm-up exercises, which Rodney noticed were surprisingly similar and comforting. This time, when they sparred, Teyla seemed to be truly testing him after seeing what he could do with her before, and also what he had done with Ronon. But the pushing felt good – like something he’d always wanted to do with Kelly, but something that Kelly had never understood.
“You’re doing quite well,” she said when they took a break. “From the bits you have mentioned, the Laprans seem to be a very peaceful people.”
“They are,” Rodney replied, taking a drink of water. “I think that a lot of their staff training is more symbolic and a way to honor the past. The rest I’m inferring from what I’ve seen you and Ronon do – as well as from the movies John’s had us watch.”
“Good for you. You always were highly adaptable to your surroundings.” She paused for a moment, as if weighing her words. “It’s surprised me that you haven’t completely changed back since returning home.”
Rodney shrugged as he sat down. “I can’t explain it, Teyla. While I was there…” he trailed off and shook his head. “It was the first time in a long time – maybe ever – that I felt like I was actually home. And I can’t – I ca-.” He shook his head again, before looking away and blinking rapidly.
He sensed more than saw Teyla sit down next to him and put a hand on his back. Rodney wrapped his arms around himself and cried for the first time since he’d returned – and probably for the first time since Jaelyn’s death.
When he finished, he wiped his eyes and sniffed. “Thanks,” he said. “I think I needed that.”
“Any time,” Teyla replied. “And I think you do an honor to your Lapran family with how you remember them.”
“Thank you,” he told her, sincerely.
“You’re welcome,” she replied. “There is nothing wrong with being sad when you’re separated from someone you love. But don’t keep yourself from forming attachments here.”
“How did you – I haven’t –” Rodney sputtered before stopping and looking at her confused.
She looked at him fondly. “I doubt you’ve changed *that* much, Rodney. I know you have a tendency to wall yourself off until you’re forced to open up. It’s not good for you.”
Rodney laughed. “That sounds like something Kirby would say.”
Standing, Teyla said, “Think about it, Rodney. I do not want you to be lonely or alone. I think that’ll be all for today.”
“Do you think we could do this regularly?” Rodney asked as he also stood.
“Of course. We practice as a team every other Friday and you are certainly welcome to join us. If you’re not comfortable with that, both Ronon and I would be happy to spar with you. And I’m sure John would as well.”
Rodney nodded, not wanting to mention that he didn’t know where he and John stood at the moment. “Thanks again, Teyla.” He touched her cheeks with his hands, then touched his forehead to hers before leaving.
The truth was, he didn’t want to be cut off from people anymore. He had found that he enjoyed being around other people. He knew that it would be hard, however because while the Laprans were more physically reserved, they were a very warm people. The Earthers, on the other hand, tended to be just the opposite until you got to know them. He just wished he knew how to get past that, along with the perceptions people had of him, either from knowing him personally or his reputation.
Rodney came to a split-second decision. If he had any hope of moving on, he was going to have to tell Chuck of his feelings for him which would, in turn, get him shot down. He was reasonably certain they would still be friends, even if their relationship would take a step or two back for a while. It was brilliant. And it should be fail-proof.
As he walked, he began quietly going over what he was going to say to Chuck, but nothing sounded quite right. He sensed someone coming along side him, but didn’t pay any attention, his eyes fixed straight ahead so he could concentrate. But the other person kept pace.
After a moment, Chuck interrupted by saying, “So you like me, then?” sounding both surprised and amused.
Rodney’s head snapped to the side, to see the amused look on Chuck’s face. This wasn’t good.
Continue to Part 23
